I feel like I'm totally neglecting my blog these days. Happy new years!
I guess I'm kinda busy doing things. I've been spending a lot of time running TCD lately, and been doing a lot of planning and paper work and structural designs.
I've also made a new friend, who I met through there, and been doing some flirting with an acquaintance from a different roleplay thing.
Honestly, this blog is generally going to be about guys, friends, moral dilemmas, discomfort, and how I perceive friendship and attraction. And it might be really long. It's definitely going to be very honest, yet as usually, discreet.
So let's start with the moral dilemmas and discomfort. At TCD we are four admins. We run a democracy, though as founders, mine and M's opinions are final. However, the whole reason we wanted to be more than just us, came into play. "What if we someday disagree on an issue?"
A player decided to leave, because of the presence of another person, who was let in to observe. The two have a history, apparently. No one was aware. The player is then deceitful, manipulative and very dramatic about the observers presence, and has been making suggestions the admin group should do something, though not wanting to disclose what the problem is or who it was about (I guessed this part, but it wasn't confirmed till the leaving-incidence).
The player has made some very grave accusations towards the observer. Not by openly contacting the admins about it, but by going to one admin and disclosing it in a "one player to another" type communication, then, depending on what they were saying, either wished brought up or held from, in this case, me specifically. I expect this is because I am friends with the observer on FB.
Now, M thinks the player is important to us, while I have come to have doubts recently (unrelated to the issue). My concerns are based on character creation, playing style, dependability and inclusion, and the player's lack of ability to satisfactorily fulfill what I think to be a minimum of standards on those areas. They have been active and consistent and enthusiastic, yes, but I'd rather have good players than many players.
Of course, the observer has a different take on the conflict than the player. And as such, I don't really care who is truthful. As a human, I care that both of them have been hurt somehow, and I'm sure both stories are true to some extent, from their point of view. But as an admin of a roleplaying group, that is none of my business.
The player has made it clear that unless the observer is made to leave, then the player will leave. Based upon the accusations the player has made, and the fact that the observer's presence makes the player feel unsafe.
I really, really do not think this is something the admins should get into. I don't want to be the judge of any conflict that is entirely outside of my forum. This is a past personal thing that happened between two people, unrelated to the group I co-created and am now running. It has no place in TCD. And by siding with any of them, to let them stay and making the other go, I feel like I am siding with their part of the conflict.
The admins discussed. M, the amazing, wonderful person that he is, deems it better to take the supposed victims side, chancing that it's better to back them up and make them feel worthwhile and appreciated, and maybe only denting the observer's feelings, than keeping the observer, who has btw kept from participating partly in respect of the player, and letting the player go, which was her initial choice.
I do not want to take sides. I suggested that the only truly fair way of doing things would be by treating them the same. Let both stay and have them figure out what they want, respectively, or ask both to go and just not be part of the drama.
One admin decided they didn't want to be part of voting at all. They were too uncomfortable with it to participate, and we all respected that. And the one left sided with M. So I'm bowing to our democracy, with a sour taste in my mouth.
I'd like to point out that this does not influence my friendship with any of the admins. This was a professional vote. And I'm mentally separating it from my personal life with anyone involved.
But I went offline, after telling them I need someone else to take my spot as lead admin of discussing of the aforementioned issues in playing, with this player. This is a player who have specifically asked to have things held from me, in a conflict. Who have continued to pursue having someone else kicked out, after initially being told that we don't do that for personal reasons. Who have contacted only part of the administration to plead their case. Who haven't been open or honest about their issue, but who have been underhanded and manipulative about it.
I am forced to back up the decision, but I will not be the one to tell the observer that they have to leave. I told M he's taking that one himself. It probably won't be a huge deal, but I can't do it convincingly and pretend I'm okay with it. I had to leave fir the night, because what I felt was being forced into a position of being a vigilante.
It is not my job to enforce social repercussions to a person who is accused but not proved guilty. I am not saying whether they did or didn't do it, because that is not my place. I will not be a judge. I will not be a vigilante.
I thought of the movie Jagten. I will not be the supermarket who denies a man buying groceries. I will not throw things at anyone lying down. If a crime was committed, let the police decide who is guilty. If a heart was broken, let time mend it. If a mind was breached, build it up and let it heal. But don't throw tinned tomatoes at anyone in my supermarket. It's not our job.
So that was long, but I needed to get it out. I'll talk to M about it, too. The decision has been made, but I need him to know how I feel. And I know he'll appreciate me saying this, and not holding it in. It's how we work. I know that he wanted the only thing he could morally defend. Siding with the potential victim. And I admire and respect him so greatly for holding onto that, despite me not agreeing with him. Because I believe potentially criminalizing someone is creating a victim as well, and who are we to decide? M is my best human. Not just friend, just the best, most humane person I have ever known. I trust him explicitly. And like he said about this, we're close enough that disagreeing morally won't hurt us. I am kinda hurting, though. And I'll be okay with that, as long as he will listen to me and try to understand. And I know he will.
With that, I will change the subject. But we'll stay on M for a bit more. I was recently asked about this whole friendship thing with him. He visited me right before Christmas, and a friend of mine asked if his girlfriend would be with him, to which I answered no, cause she had other plans.
And I met the face of "Oh, scandal! Indiscretion!". And, once again, I delved into the tale of being platonic with someone, and how it's not an urban myth. And the conversation that followed was just.. Weird. It went something like.
"So you're not at all attracted to him?"
"He's good looking, that doesn't mean I'm attracted."
"What if he was single? Would that make a difference."
"Why are we even having this conversation?"
"I just don't understand what's going on."
"... I have a friend, that's what's going on. Jesus."
"Seriously, what if he was single. Would it change things?"
"No. I'd have to refile him into a different folder, and that would be a huge mess, and he means too much, and I don't even want to consider it, so I'll never know, you'll never know, now stop asking stupid questions and kindly accept that I can have male friends without wanting to fuck them, okay?"
"..... What do you mean, 'refile him into another folder'?"
It never occurred to me, before. (M is not important to the rest of this, it was just my exasperation at someone yet again suggesting this, that made me snap and thereby have a mini-epiphany about my way of navigating attraction.)
That is exactly what I do. I have a filing system, in my head. I'm not too sure about all the categories yet, but I identified "friends", "close platonic", "acquaintance", "physically but not otherwise attractive", "mentally but not physically attractive", "ew", "datable", "family", "danger", "I choose you" and "strip now!".
I rarely ever refile anyone, once they're in a file. You could say I have a very complex friendzoning system. Though it's more of a relationship (not necessarily the dating kind) matrix. For an example, if I'm not attracted within the first 10-15 minutes of meeting someone, they'll probably always be in one of the not-datable categories. A breakup is one of the things that'll cause a refiling. Or a break of trust. I guess a bat to the face could probably take someone out of the physically attractive category, if it went bad enough. But someone like M is in the close platonic folder. And it would take conscious effort for me to pull his file out and put it elsewhere. And I have absolutely no reason to do that.
So this made me think about the whole.. Me controlling whether I allow myself to have feelings for someone thing. That is tied into only allowing certain feelings in certain folders. I have to actively put someone in the folder of "datable" or, if that works, "I choose you". Then I can feel shit.
How fucked up is that? No wonder I rarely fall in love. I don't allow myself to.
I have a lot of reflecting to do on that. And it's almost 8 am Peepers. Good morning to you, good night to me.
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