All these fucking social things..

Hi Peepers.

I know, I know. "You rarely write anymore!" I know! I'm just busy. I'm juggling school, a very active social life (I see people like 4 times a week!), continuous insomnia, roleplay (loads of it!), housework (doing some projects around the house and being better at keeping things tidy), and being overburdened with.. Well. I don't know what to even call it. Social issues.

There's been two events that have been major for me. They all have had so many aspects, that it seems like more than two, but essentially it can be boiled down to that.

One is a streak of miscommunication with M. We're working on it, though. I guess it dawned on us that we can't rely on the other one always reading our mind, and we actually do need to communicate clearly sometimes, cause we ran head first into two events, one that hurt him and one that hurt me, from pure lack of acknowledging that we needed to talk about them. One was an assumption. I found a boundary I wasn't aware I had, by him crossing it, and it gave me an anxiety attack when my alarm signals didn't make him back off. I hadn't been able to communicate them clearly, and he hadn't read them as I intended them, and I've completely forgiven him. I know he would never in a million years knowingly cross my boundaries or hurt me. And he was almost in tears, shaking and heart pounding, fearing I'd never talk to him again. So I calmed him down, and calmed me down, and the next day, we talked it out, apologized, made a plan for the future, and solidly fixed it. Which was very comforting and nice. It makes both of us trust ourselves and our ability to maintain our friendship, more.

The other, which hurt him, was a misconception, and my defensiveness, which I hadn't realized had spread to him. I play this character, Sach, at our pirate thing. And Sach is not the most liked guy, cause he has a temper, and tends to make a decision and just run with it. I can't really boil it down to a short version, so here's the longer one.

Sach was the guy who was happy and uncomplicated, who was a regular sailor on board, who had sex with any willing woman, and a few men, and never let himself feel. His background is tragic. Lost the girl he wanted to marry to a richer suitor, against her will, but had one night with her before the wedding. New husband takes her far way when he realizes (she was pregnant, but that's not official knowledge, and Sach doesn't know, now, 18 years later), and Annabel dies in childbirth less than a year later.

Sach is of course drowning his sorrows in rum and women, never ever wanting to get attached again. He rejects any talk about feelings or futures together, even with the people close to him, his friends. He just can't.

Then Natalia, a Spanish woman, is found drifting at sea. And in a matter of days, the two fall irrevocably in love. And everyone are against the union, because Sach, confused as he is, handles it horribly. He's suddenly jealous for the first time in his life, and he has no idea how to handle that emotion, so he turns possessive around her. She doesn't mind. That's the only level of dedication she's willing to accept from a man, if he really wants her. In all ways, shapes and forms, the two are actually perfect for each other. But their good sides are the ones they keep private. The love, the compassion, the way they grow together, happens all behind closed doors, and the rest of the crew only sees all the ugly.

Now.. That whole thing has inspired a few key players to think Sach a horrible guy. Which, combined with me having to employ him as an admin tool for hard decisions, makes no one see when he does good, anymore. So I have to now play this.. Charm offensive. Which is so softcore that I want to puke, but I have to show his best side for a while. And it's not like he doesn't have the motivation, cause he was just given it, big time. He also just married Nat.

Anyway. Because I've been so tired of only defending Sach for like.. Two months now, I don't talk about him, unmotivated. I don't take initiative. And because I haven't, M has felt very excluded. Cause we usually discuss character development in detail. For hours. And help each other and make suggestions. And it makes us better, we're such a good team. But because I've felt so defensive, I've efficiently cut him off from my process, without even noticing. So today, we spent 3 hours just talking about it, and he finally understood the character. Which was key to the conversation. M had gotten to a point of not getting it, that made him not really want to play with Sach, and that statement made me so freaking sad I can't even.

The amazing thing about M, is that we can discuss any problem, and we find a solution. That the mere act of taking it up and listening to each other, is healing. Because we don't play the blame game. We explain, and we listen, and we make an effort to reach eachother. I feel like this is how it should feel to discuss things in any healthy relationship. It's how I want to do it, always.

Now.. The second event is about my new friend, B. She is amazing, and we click so well it's kinda scary. We're more alike than anyone else I know, and we have this joke that we're really clones. Which isn't true, we have our differences, but we have a startling amount of things in common, and we communicate much in a similar way. Very direct. She openly idolizes me a little, and I adore her, and laugh it off.

Anyway. I have a friend I've known a longer time, who met B at the same time as me. B and I clicked even before we met, and from the second she entered my apartment, we just grew attached. My older friend seems to feel a little left out, but the way she's expressing it is really difficult to deal with. And I don't know what to even say, anymore. I feel like the older friend wants her connection with us both to equal mine and B's, and somehow make the three of us a unit. Like I can't have a separate friendship with B, that doesn't include her. And that's really hard for me to tolerate. I want to be friends with whomever I want, however I want. And I don't want to apologize for it. I don't make deep connections with people very often, and B and I got deep with a snap of the fingers.

It's like the older friend is being really passive aggressive, and taking feelings that she should be the one working on, out on us. For being who we are, and being it in the same room, or in the same forum. And it makes me so fucking angry. Especially cause she then takes a victim role. The fact that we agree, B and I, doesn't make her a victim. I get why it feels that way, because she's unsure of herself, but there's only that much we can do.

And yes, we both get annoyed with her. The more she feels left out, the harder she pushes to redirect focus to her, and it feels fake and attention seeking. Something I, at least, find irritating, when one can just ask to change the subject so they can join in.

I dunno, maybe I'm just tired of arguing. Mostly cause there's never just an "Okay" with her. It's always "Okay, but..." and even the acknowledgment of other people's issues with her, has to be followed up by excuses (not explanations) in stead of acceptance. And when she says she understands, she ventures into an excuse that shows she doesn't, by the pure fact that she starts one. It's aggravating, and it's making me not want to listen.

And of course, that loops it all up nice and neat. Cause me drawing away makes her push harder, talk more, listen less. Or to just do a hands off approach, which makes me not want to do anything at all about it, cause it pisses me off.

And the whole thing is just draining, so now I'm ignoring it till it goes away. I've tried to listen, I've tried to explain, but the one with a problem asks for a solution but have nothing to offer other than "Don't be who you are, together". And that's not really an option.