Bah.

In 7 hours, I'll have my hair cut. In 6 hours, I'll watch my mom have hers cut. In 5 hours, I should be up and getting dressed. I've been in my bed for two hours, trying to sleep. No such luck. My brain won't turn off.

All the social stuff resulted in an explosion last night. That is, 28-ish hours ago, not just 5-6 hours ago. M talked to B and I about the older friend. After talking for about an hour, we finally agreed that it just wasn't working with her in the group. There are just too many issues. Playing style, sensitivity, difficulty taking critique and a lack of ability to tell fantasy and reality apart.

B was in tears, feeling like the attacks would never stop, no matter what we do. There's still no concrete answer to what it is we're doing wrong, what it is we need to change. There's a lot of explanations of how she is feeling, but nothing that B and I can actually do anything about, without either stopping our friendship or being somebody else. Those are not viable solutions to anything.

And M agreed. He was of course sad that we had to hurt her by telling her to kindly leave the group, but he felt sure it was the lesser of many evils, and would probably spare her in the long run.

I love him for wanting to help fix things. But I hate that he was drawn into a conflict that wasn't his. It hurts me to see him uncomfortable. And it was completely unnecessary to bring it up to him like that. It pisses me off, frankly. Also, the whole poking an open sore, thing.. What is up with that?! Leave the damn issue alone till we're not fucking choking on it. It's like being hit over the head with an invisible stick once a week. You can't identify it, but it still fucking hurts. Leave it alone till you know what the issue is, already. That's when it becomes a "me" problem and not a "you" one. When you don't know what exactly it is that's wrong. Because so very often, it's cause you're turning your own feelings into other peoples flaws. I was in a very long relationship where my significant other did this all the freaking time. I know what it looks like, and I won't be on the other end of it anymore.

Of course, I have a theory about the nature of the issue. My old friend and B just don't click. And I believe that O (for old friend, just to make it easier) can't come to terms with that. And so when B and I click like puzzle pieces, O gets insecure. She casts us as a unit, and because we usually agree, it comes off as a united front. Now combine this with both of us being admins, both of us being some of the people who let O know when she does something wrong or there's something off about her playing (she's not the only one we correct, but she is certainly the most reluctant to just do what we're asking, which gets tiring), and you have a person who has put herself in the role of 'victim'.

I do agree that I have had some personal annoyance about her, cause I'm getting worn out by talking about nothing, all day, every day. I'm not that girl. I'm not a cuddly sympathetic pat-you-on-the-head person. I can be, if you are otherwise a stimulating enough human being that you're generally energizing me. Having interesting conversations, meaningful ones, silly and funny ones. I'll do the same for you, then. AND be sympathetic when you need it. I'll write you a freaking song when you're sad.

Smother me, and I'm out. Bore me, and I'll dial down talking to you. I have a set limit of energy, and I need to use it where it'll also energize me to invest it. M and B are my main sources for that right now. They talk to me cause they have something to say, not just to say something, and there's a huge difference.

Friendships are, to me, not static. They fluctuate. And that's okay. Pointing out a friendship is at a low point in fluctuation, doesn't help anyone with anything. And beating someone over the head with it all the time, is even worse. It kills it.

I don't know where this will leave O and I. Right now, I just want silence. Cause hearing about how being me makes me a horrible person isn't working for me.