Last blog of May. KMM over for the year. I freaking love the fair. The small of the fires, the feeling of grass between your toes, the happy kids running around, the haggling, the mead, the pancakes! And I even made it through without making my knee worse. I did catch a fever, though, so I had to skip the last day. The wind sunday was freaking icy, so it didn't truly surprise me, despite the amount of layers and layers I was wearing.
I had gone to bed last night when M wrote. We had been RP'ing a scene for the forum we've joined, but he was at a grilling in the forest thing, and had horrible internet. However, the internet seemed to have been hiding in his sleeping bag the entire time. (It's when he mentions small things, like how he'd been all over the campfire-hut, trying to find a decent connection, just to write me, that I know I've made a friend for life. I think we're equally addicted to eachothers company.) Anyway. I ended up staying awake till 2, while he told funny stories from his deployment time in Afghanistan. Bedtime stories! We only went to sleep when he was running out of battery on his phone.
I get why people think it's more than friendship. I talk about him a lot. I just can't help it. He is genuinely the funniest, most brilliant person I have ever met. He is sweet, gallant, protective, smart, supportive and understanding, and he just gets me. I have never had anyone soar into best friend territory the way he has, and I love it. He's loyal and trustworthy, and has great morals. I adore and admire him. I mean it when I say everyone should have one of him. The world would be a better place.
He is, however, just a friend. Possibly the best friend I've made in the past decade. The other day, we had a mock fight XD It sprung from this joke we have, about bitchyness stemming from hunger. And suddenly, we went into full on "Is it too much to ask that you pay me a compliment amd actually put your glasses in the dishwasher when you come home, when I've spent ALL day cleaning and vacuuming and making myself look hot for YOU?!" and the obvious, stereotypical "I don't think you should really complain, when I'M the one making all the money!" answer. He was the girl, though :D It made no sense and came out of nowhere, and he even smashed a fictional glass. I cleared up the shards, and ended up apologizing, offering to make him a drink, and said he did look nice. Yeah. We're either very crazy or very bored. We fight amazingly well, though :D
Our vampires are an entertaining duo. Of course, we've made a bloodbond. I mean, how could he and I play anything without it going in that direction? Rosa and Gabriell. The sheriff and the harpy. And his fluffy little dog. Silly little animal.. He faceclaimed Jared Leto, and I chose Molly Quinn, and his choice has me drooling. I forgot how hot Jared Leto is O.o And he had no idea I was a fan, when he made the choice, but he's totally using it against me XD I can't wait to see what trouble he'll get us into. He already had the bishop of Århus stake his hand. I tried to make him behave, but he's just such a.. Toreador.
In a perfect life, he and I would be neighbours. I'm pretty sure the world would implode, though. Or every muscle I use for laughing would... But I'd be eternally happy.
When you find people like this, people able to erase all the bad and chase any worry away.. Hold on. They can heal you like no other person or thing in the world. I don't even care if it's weird how much he's come to mean to me, I make sure to tell him. People like him deserve to know they make a difference.
He has made the biggest impact on my life, in a long time. Helene or Kevin sized huge. How can I ever, ever repay everything he has done for me?
One single person can mean everything, when they show up at the right time.
Saturday, May 30, 2015
Thursday, May 28, 2015
The thing about attraction..
I'm in a weird mood. I can't really explain it. I'm not unhappy, I'm not mad or sad, I'm just.. A little off. I've had a friend around me a lot of the weekend. A friend who has, on several occasions made it clear he is into me. And I have made it clear to him the interest is not mutual. I was okay with offering comfort when he slept over and asked if he was out if line if he felt like holding me, cause I knew he would respect it when I pointed out that was all I wanted to happen. And I was right.
To me, the comfort of physical contact is just that. Comfort. It doesn't mean any more than that. So it made me uncomfortable when he spent half the weekend being extra attentive towards me. Not in a way that is outrageous, he is respectful and decent in every way. Just in a way that, to me, suggested a greater level of intimacy than I think we're at. Or want to get to. It's not that he's not great, he is. He's just not for me.
I think I'm getting a little bored, on that account. I want to feel attracted. I'm still not in a relationshippy place, I'm just ready to fling. But I want to feel that.. That indescribable something. The little tug behind your bellybutton. The jolt of attraction. That little spark of desire that makes you wonder how his lips feel.
And it's just not there.
I actually had a two second moment of it at the steam punk thing. It was, however, brief, and only a result of circumstance. M and I were in one of the conference rooms, making it look like our character's were getting it on up against the table. In reality it was a shadow dance of subtle, innocent touches and well coordinated moves to make it look like things that weren't happening, were happening. Anyway. In the beginning of it, I was sitting on the edge of the table, and he stepped between my legs. He leaned in and skimmed his nose down my neck, making it look like he was kissing it, and he put his hands on my thighs. Everything was fully dressed and innocent. But he was wearing some scent that was just mouthwatering XD Which I instantly told him with a giggle, and I think he got my point, cause he made sure to keep a bit more distance. The combination of the smell and the featherlight touch at my neck, and his hands on my thighs, however. Jolt. I knew it was just cause it's been a while, I knew right away. And I'm a sucker for men who smell nice. Also, I'm insanely comfortable with M and trust him completely, and I've never felt as safe playing intimate with anyone as with him, so it didn't shock me in any way that I'd have a momentary reaction to him. Cause that's okay. I know in my head that I wouldn't act on it. He's too important and I'm not risking our friendship.
The point, however, is that it reminded me how good attraction feels. How good it feels to be close to someone, physically. And apparently my body is now so deprived it's rebelling against me and telling me I'm attracted to one of my best friends XD So I should really throw it a bone, soon, so I don't end up jumping someone I shouldn't jump. (I won't, I'm not that out of control. It's just annoying to physically react to someone you're not actually attracted to, just because it's been too long.)
... Again my blog is starting to sound like a freaking contact add. I'm not inviting. There is noone I already know, who is both interesting enough AND single enough. For me, attraction doesn't show up over time. It's either instantly there, or its not.
You'll know you've been chosen, if I choose you. I should make a flyer with that, and hand out to every guy who ever sends me the mooney eyes. Seriously. I may flirt. I may let you kiss me once or twice. But if I want you, you won't doubt it. I'll be very obvious about it, and I'll make you work for it anyway. You'll be so confused you won't know what's up and down, and if you give up trying to find out, you'll be sure to lose my interest. I'm a complicated bitch that way XD
You know you have me when I'm the one kissing you first.
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
/MY/ song.
This is one of those moments where I have to remind myself to be a better person. I need M to tell me it's okay that I'm hurt and annoyed, and to make it into something funny that helps me move past it. I need A to ask me the questions about why I'm feeling those things, and how I intend to grow from it. And I need myself to just.. Let it go.
I wrote a song, a while back. I started writing a song when we got home from Baltha, two summers ago. I finished it about a year ago, in time to present it to the king of our country on his birthday. And he sobbed. Everyone told me how beautiful and amazing it was, and I was proud to have contributed with something that moved people to tears. I was, at that time, at home, with family, in a safe place.
And then shit hit the fan, and after a lot of horrible fighting and emotional debate, I left the group. Cause I couldn't hurt from it anymore. It had meant too much, and all these people turning their back on me, despite terms I had stated when I joined, terms I had been assured wasn't a problem and never would be, had me heartbroken. I've lost friends over this. And I finally managed to let go, with a little help from new people in my life.
And these past days, I've heard a lot about the preparations for the sequal. And I've tried to be polite, but upheld my determination that I don't want to be involved and I don't want to listen to a lot of talk about it, cause I don't want to feel regret or feel excluded. It hasn't been respected 100%, but enough that I'm only slightly agitated.
And tonight, I went to bed, and I wanted to listen to one of the Cow songs on SoundCloud. And there I find a new version of my song. A changed version. A new title, even. And it pissed me off I wasn't even mentioned in the info section. It hurt me I hadn't even been asked if I was okay with them changing it. I know few can sing it. I designed it that way. I kept the challenging part of the melody, cause it emphasizes the dark part of the tale and adds drama. It was never meant to be sung around the fireplace, in joy, by 20 people. It was meant to be sung by two or three, for a crowd. With deep emotion and the severity of the story clear.
It was a demonstration of how to make it easier to sing. I asked. And I asked to either have my name written in the info, with a comment on how it's not the original melody, or to have it removed. It was removed immediately.
I still feel ownership. I have ownership. I worked my ass off finishing that song. I had help from a friend, and she's mentioned in my own version, and on the Fb group. But this just feels like crap. I'll never get to sing my song for the balthesians, on Setranum. I got to sing it at the birthday. On a rainy night, outside, where half the people probably couldn't hear the lyrics. The lyrics I she'd tears and heartbreak oover getting perfect.
What I hate the most, is that they changed the name. It was Avia cause it was written, ingame, while we still used the old name. Not Aviath. And it's called The Wisdom of Avia, not.. Exodus to Aviath. They can't just.. Ruin my freaking masterpiece.
Ugh. Fuck it. I I'll go to sleep. Annoyed and angry and hurt. Pissed off, actually.
They didn't even fucking mention it to me.
I wrote a song, a while back. I started writing a song when we got home from Baltha, two summers ago. I finished it about a year ago, in time to present it to the king of our country on his birthday. And he sobbed. Everyone told me how beautiful and amazing it was, and I was proud to have contributed with something that moved people to tears. I was, at that time, at home, with family, in a safe place.
And then shit hit the fan, and after a lot of horrible fighting and emotional debate, I left the group. Cause I couldn't hurt from it anymore. It had meant too much, and all these people turning their back on me, despite terms I had stated when I joined, terms I had been assured wasn't a problem and never would be, had me heartbroken. I've lost friends over this. And I finally managed to let go, with a little help from new people in my life.
And these past days, I've heard a lot about the preparations for the sequal. And I've tried to be polite, but upheld my determination that I don't want to be involved and I don't want to listen to a lot of talk about it, cause I don't want to feel regret or feel excluded. It hasn't been respected 100%, but enough that I'm only slightly agitated.
And tonight, I went to bed, and I wanted to listen to one of the Cow songs on SoundCloud. And there I find a new version of my song. A changed version. A new title, even. And it pissed me off I wasn't even mentioned in the info section. It hurt me I hadn't even been asked if I was okay with them changing it. I know few can sing it. I designed it that way. I kept the challenging part of the melody, cause it emphasizes the dark part of the tale and adds drama. It was never meant to be sung around the fireplace, in joy, by 20 people. It was meant to be sung by two or three, for a crowd. With deep emotion and the severity of the story clear.
It was a demonstration of how to make it easier to sing. I asked. And I asked to either have my name written in the info, with a comment on how it's not the original melody, or to have it removed. It was removed immediately.
I still feel ownership. I have ownership. I worked my ass off finishing that song. I had help from a friend, and she's mentioned in my own version, and on the Fb group. But this just feels like crap. I'll never get to sing my song for the balthesians, on Setranum. I got to sing it at the birthday. On a rainy night, outside, where half the people probably couldn't hear the lyrics. The lyrics I she'd tears and heartbreak oover getting perfect.
What I hate the most, is that they changed the name. It was Avia cause it was written, ingame, while we still used the old name. Not Aviath. And it's called The Wisdom of Avia, not.. Exodus to Aviath. They can't just.. Ruin my freaking masterpiece.
Ugh. Fuck it. I I'll go to sleep. Annoyed and angry and hurt. Pissed off, actually.
They didn't even fucking mention it to me.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Joy and love
I am currently working on a looooong blog post about CoW and EGTZ and my trip to Århus and to Odense, but since it'll be a minor novel and there's a shitload of stuff for me to process, you won't get that right now. What you will get is joy.
A friend posted a link to a Leonard Cohen song I happen to love, and it led to me finding a random Cohen playlist on youtube and letting it play while I did dishes. And Cohen is awesome and always makes me feel comfortable. I just forgot there's one exception. That one song that, for the past couple of years, made me freeze up and hate the world and everything in it, and only think of betrayal. And it came on, today, when I was comepletely caught off guard. I had a flashback to the Cohen concert in Odense, where everyone were rocking slowly and singing along, and I stood rooted to the spot, fighting tears and wanting to leave, trying not to have an anxiety attack that he had his arms around me, hugging me, soothing me, knowing he knew how uncomfortable I was at that moment.
Cause I was in a place where even her name had like.. fireworks of pain and hurt shooting left and right in me. A place where looking at him speaking it made me so furious I wanted to slap him. And I can't even believe how I ever thought the trust could be rebuilt. The thing is, it hurt so much cause I loved him so insanely much, but he broke my trust, and I should have realised sooner it was beyond repair.
Looking back, now, those emotions are so foreign. I just don't care. I'll never be friends with her, or the friend who hurt me, but I don't care that they have lives of their own, I don't care that they're happy, and I don't feel the need to walk away when people talk about them. They're just people.
I reflected on this whole deal not too long ago, cause a friend asked me recently, how I felt being in the same room as him, nowadays. They saw the strained smile and how I leaned away when he touched my shoulder at a meetup, not too long ago. I did point out I'm technically fine with him being around. I just don't feel comfortable being alone with him. At the CoW afterparty we talked briefly, even. But I was sitting right across from M, who makes me feel safe and protected a mile away. And I honestly hadn't at all any guards up at the game or goodbyes, I was a teary mess who just wanted my friends to stay and be magical with me. I sobbed on the swede. I think I would have hugged a dementor, had one been available.
Anyway. The feeling of discomfort stems directly from that one episode right after the break up. And I'm grateful I'm able to separate that from the rest of my feelings about him, cause it makes it so much easier to see where I am, now. Which is moved on. And happy. And over old grudges.
And I've accepted the whole.. hearings things from friends. Not so much about him, but about the other people he has hurt. I was given a quote, the other day, from a blog, which is a complete mirror of my own thoughts. Words about manipulation, guilt tripping, emotional blackmail, lies, words about making you feel like crap so you depend on him to make you feel better. To make you need him, and want to let him have things his way. It just really nailed down how he behaves. And I feel relieved for this girl to have wasted less time than I did. I'm still not sure if he even knows he does these things. But I know no one deserves to be on the other end of the treatment.
And here comes the joyous part. My friends. My dear, amazing, wonderful friends, who have entered my life with craziness and endless tolerance, and lifted me up whenever I've fallen down. People who have proved that they want nothing but to help me find myself and to be better than I was yesterday. My support system is awesome, and I love each and every one in it. Michael, my brother in all but blood, the one who makes me feel safe and loved just the way I am. I love him and his wacky humour, and how he always just freaking gets me. Anders, my spiritual guide and the one to force me to think about my feelings. Every time we have a serious conversation, I feel myself grow as a person. Regitse who's always there to listen to me bitch or celebrate the little wins. A loyal friend like no other. And a ton of other people! People who make me laugh and cry and feel fucking alive. You have healed me. You have made me better. You have made me more than whole. And I can never thank you enough.
Thank you for making all the crap go away, and for being the people you are. I love you.
A friend posted a link to a Leonard Cohen song I happen to love, and it led to me finding a random Cohen playlist on youtube and letting it play while I did dishes. And Cohen is awesome and always makes me feel comfortable. I just forgot there's one exception. That one song that, for the past couple of years, made me freeze up and hate the world and everything in it, and only think of betrayal. And it came on, today, when I was comepletely caught off guard. I had a flashback to the Cohen concert in Odense, where everyone were rocking slowly and singing along, and I stood rooted to the spot, fighting tears and wanting to leave, trying not to have an anxiety attack that he had his arms around me, hugging me, soothing me, knowing he knew how uncomfortable I was at that moment.
Cause I was in a place where even her name had like.. fireworks of pain and hurt shooting left and right in me. A place where looking at him speaking it made me so furious I wanted to slap him. And I can't even believe how I ever thought the trust could be rebuilt. The thing is, it hurt so much cause I loved him so insanely much, but he broke my trust, and I should have realised sooner it was beyond repair.
Looking back, now, those emotions are so foreign. I just don't care. I'll never be friends with her, or the friend who hurt me, but I don't care that they have lives of their own, I don't care that they're happy, and I don't feel the need to walk away when people talk about them. They're just people.
I reflected on this whole deal not too long ago, cause a friend asked me recently, how I felt being in the same room as him, nowadays. They saw the strained smile and how I leaned away when he touched my shoulder at a meetup, not too long ago. I did point out I'm technically fine with him being around. I just don't feel comfortable being alone with him. At the CoW afterparty we talked briefly, even. But I was sitting right across from M, who makes me feel safe and protected a mile away. And I honestly hadn't at all any guards up at the game or goodbyes, I was a teary mess who just wanted my friends to stay and be magical with me. I sobbed on the swede. I think I would have hugged a dementor, had one been available.
Anyway. The feeling of discomfort stems directly from that one episode right after the break up. And I'm grateful I'm able to separate that from the rest of my feelings about him, cause it makes it so much easier to see where I am, now. Which is moved on. And happy. And over old grudges.
And I've accepted the whole.. hearings things from friends. Not so much about him, but about the other people he has hurt. I was given a quote, the other day, from a blog, which is a complete mirror of my own thoughts. Words about manipulation, guilt tripping, emotional blackmail, lies, words about making you feel like crap so you depend on him to make you feel better. To make you need him, and want to let him have things his way. It just really nailed down how he behaves. And I feel relieved for this girl to have wasted less time than I did. I'm still not sure if he even knows he does these things. But I know no one deserves to be on the other end of the treatment.
And here comes the joyous part. My friends. My dear, amazing, wonderful friends, who have entered my life with craziness and endless tolerance, and lifted me up whenever I've fallen down. People who have proved that they want nothing but to help me find myself and to be better than I was yesterday. My support system is awesome, and I love each and every one in it. Michael, my brother in all but blood, the one who makes me feel safe and loved just the way I am. I love him and his wacky humour, and how he always just freaking gets me. Anders, my spiritual guide and the one to force me to think about my feelings. Every time we have a serious conversation, I feel myself grow as a person. Regitse who's always there to listen to me bitch or celebrate the little wins. A loyal friend like no other. And a ton of other people! People who make me laugh and cry and feel fucking alive. You have healed me. You have made me better. You have made me more than whole. And I can never thank you enough.
Thank you for making all the crap go away, and for being the people you are. I love you.
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