Jolly times my ass.

If I make it through the next 24 hours without ending up in a psych ward, I'm gonna consider Christmas a success. I left mom's place tonight, almost running out of there, on the brink of tears.

Tom, the sensitive fuck that he is, found it appropriate to yell at me for suggesting that arriving at 5pm at my grandparents, might be a bit impractical, considering I'm on konfekt duty. I don't have a proper kitchen, I can't do it from home, and I haven't had time to do it at their place. So I have to make it at the grandparent's. And I get that he's cooking the ducks from home, and it takes a few hours, so we can't go at the crack of dawn, but honestly, leaving at 4?! We eat at 6. We even made a freaking itinerary this year, cause we're a lot of people.

And I was saying it very calmly and politely! That's very late if I'm to have any time to do the remaining part of my job this year. And he YELLS at me like I'm a bloody idiot, repeating everything three times, because he already told my mom this and that and whatever. And she hasn't said a thing to me, so how the fuck would I know? I asked him 3 times to stop yelling, and just talk like a normal human being. And she just sat there. Not caring or whatever. So I said that they could go whenever they wanted, I'll get there on my own. Cause there's no fucking way I'm taking his shitstorm when I haven't done anything wrong. I said this to mom /days/ ago, if she could please talk to him about not arriving last minute, so I had time to do this, and she said she would. But she never fucking does, does she?

And when I ran out of there, on the verge of panic, tears running all over the place, I thought that would be it. I arranged for granddad to pick me up on the way to pick up my uncle. No problem. I'll even be at their place in time to watch the Disney's Christmas show.
But no. Mom needed to shove my face in it. Cause it is easier to be passively aggressive over texting with me, than to discuss behaviour with Tom. Or just fucking letting it rest. So now, my mom declared she isn't going at all, and that all presents, foods and whatever that they were supposed to bring, we can just pick up at noon. And she can't even be bothered to call my grandparents and tell them she's being a jerk.

I swear. Next year. I am not going. No one can make me. I'd rather hang myself then do this again.

I hate Christmas.

Crazy!

It is so weird. I'm practically being chased. Within the past 36 hours, 5 men have made their interest known to me. One was very drunk and really only repeated his already expressed lust for me (and that is what it is, lust), one I only just met, though I've known his name for quite a while, from others, and the three last are friends. One of them I have this friendly flirt with, which has been going on for years, and it won't change, cause that's where we're both comfortable, but the other one has turned to more of a.. "I'm interested, we both aren't looking for serious, wanna give it a go and just have fun?" and I'm not really sure yet, cause I never looked at him that way, but we do have an amazing chemistry. I don't know if it's only friendly though. We'll see. In any case, neither of us are looking for more than a friend to hang out with, whom it would be safe and uncommitted to fall in with. The last one is a constant, and not an option, anyway. Not now, at least.

But! The point! It's like there's this.. Horde of guys who have just been waiting for me to be single XD I know it's not the case, obviously, I'm not that full of myself, but with the amount of attention I'm getting, it really feels that way. It's overwhelming. Right now, I'm just riding the wave of positive attention, trying to manage it the best I can. How did I become the girl who's being chased, though? I'm kinda flabbergasted. I'm really not dating material right now.

It's not even because I'm sad anymore. The whole marriage thing somehow managed to liberate me of any lingering feelings. I'm not happy about the way he handled the whole friendship deal, that stings, but whatever was left in me to still think of him as mine, and me as his, it's gone. And it feels good. I am, however, really tired of dealing with his all-over-the-place feelings, and I just knew it was the final straw. I need to move on with my life, and I won't get anywhere if I have to drag him behind me, holding onto some sense of regard for his feelings for me, when he doesn't do me the same courtesy. It's just an added stress factor, in a sensitive topic, to a difficult history, and I am ready to leave all that crap behind.

It's not like I'm going to avoid him or not say hi if I run into him, but he's just.. Not friend material anymore. He's somebody that I used to know.

I'd much rather spend my energy on all this exciting stuff going on! With CoW and all the visits to Bastard Café, I'm meeting a lot of new people, and I'm loving it! The drivers license is going perfectly, the kitchen is slowly, slowly coming along.

My CoW planning is skyrocketing. Skye found a girlfriend! She doesn't know that it's actually Rendor who convinced Francesca to date her, so she wouldn't fall in love with anyone else. Winterbourne,  for example. Cause Rendor wants her back! And he isn't the kind of guy who apologizes and romances her into it. Noooo. He's the kind of guy who gets a girl to date his intended, a girl who's only in it to spy on their house, a girl who's having at least one affair, a girl who will be found out, and when the girls break up, he will be the supportive friend, waiting to make it all better. He'll also be the infuriating ex, who keeps using Skye's lingering feelings to make her admit she still loves him, attempting to seduce her (while still dating Cesca? Who knows!), and he'll definitely be the sweet, regretful ex, who has all the answers to how they could make it work, if they just tried again. It will be so fucked up.

In the meantime! Klimmek, her dear mentor, is trying to talk her into summoning a demonic manifestation of her own anger, in order to master it, rather than let it control her. After the break up with Ren, where she scarred him, in her fit of rage, she's been having trouble reigning it in. It's pretty dangerous, and he's overly confident in his skills, so talking her into it is not impossible. Especially cause she thinks it might be a way for her to also control her feelings for Rendor, which constantly flows from love to hate and back again. He also wants her to steal potions ingredients... Though, I think Skye might just ask Evelyn to help her.

In the meantime... I am totally planning to have an inappropriate relationship with professor Winterbourne. Not that Skye will tell anyone, she keeps claiming it's a professional relationship. But she so wants him. He's likeminded, sweet and a great inspiration for her. But she doesn't want to be the girl who's dating a professor, that's scandalous. So it will be all letters and smiles in class, and hopefully I get to call him Sinclair :D

I cannot wait.

Missing my castle

Ugh, been staring at the ceiling for two hours. Cannot sleep. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow, then the gym with the Bat, and then Rikke is arriving for a sleepover, after we go to the big event.

I'm all Czocha, still. I'm so excited, I dream it, I think it, I still play it, I talk about it, and I already have a thousand plans for next time. I'm looking forward to competing to make prefect. To roam the castle and grounds. To send borderline inappropriate letters to Winterbourne. To fight with pureblood bigots in muggle studies. To set Lynn up on a blind date. To fight with Ren, and to see how he plans on winning my affection back. To scream at Kara. To have an intimate moment with Miclariotic in the mirror room, possibly with him lovingly scolding me for my pilfering. To mixing EEE in the common room and play Divination. To sing. To get my lovely junior out of all kinds of trouble. To dance. To be passed up in secret passages by my deceitful ex, trying to win me back, by physical and emotional manipulation. Which I'm counting on him to use XD Oh, the Skye/Ren conflict will be so much fun. Her, unable to get over her feelings, crossing into hatred to mask them, pushing him away and fighting him, and him, manipulative and conspiratorial, getting his way in any way he can. I foresee lone fights in empty corridors, crossing into struggling and restrainment, and moving on to suppressed passion colliding. It will be /so/ fucked up, intense and insane and I cannot wait. I'm dying to go right now.

Oh take me back, take me back to the castle of my dreams. Take me home.

And the longing is what's fucking me up. I dream it. I dreamt about writing a 4 page report for muggle studies. I dreamt about swimming in the lake with Hugin and Kienan, splashing around in the spring sun. I dreamt about a secret friendship with Winterbourne, calling him by his given name when no one heard. I dreamt about Klimmek smiling proudly when I made prefect, Kienan ready to stand by my side and face a whole new year together. I dreamt about starlit nights in the tower with Rendor, him making a grand romantic gesture to apologize for his behaviour. I dreamt about sneaking down to do potions with Lynn in the middle of the night.

In the meantime, I do Divinition. I get a kick out of being first to answer the lectures, Skye really wants to show off to Rendor, even if he doesn't know it's her behind the sobriquet. She wants his praise, she wants to be acknowledged. And she wants to be the best in class. She's a competitive little fucker.

I wrote letters today, after transforming a chopstick into a pen. It's by no means perfect, but it looks better than a ballpoint. I prepared the date letters and a letter to Professor Winterbourne. I also made some Not-Skye-seals, so she can do anonymous letters. They're very basic, but that's only good. And I found a lot of stuff for the next artifact I'm making. If it works out the way I want it to, it will look awesome.

I also dug out some leather, so I can do a proper wand sheath. I knew I had some scraps from the chair I stripped in the spring. It won't be perfect, I don't have the tools to do it right, so I'll sew it, but it'll be sturdier than the ribbon one. And fit better.

I should try to sleep again. Been talking about Skye and Ren a lot today, so that's probably where my dreams are headed. I can't complain, it's one entertaining drama. And it only gives me more ideas.

I love the fact that he let her scar him. Obviously I don't know Michaels thoughts about it 100%, but I have a feeling, like the bracelet representing their love, and him never even telling her, that it might be an expression that he truly cares about Skye. Poor girl. Attracting the most difficult people. She really should get better people in her life, and maybe not date anyone like Laszlo. He's bad for her. But oh so convincing.

It's fun to play love. It demands improvisation from me, I only ever played love with Louise, and that was such a hippie kind of thing, it doesn't compare. This is conflicted, difficult, angsty and all... Teenage.

So. Much. Fun!