Shunned

I can't even describe how insanely sad I feel right now. Half the Baltha team is workshopping tonight. A few pics have made it to FB by now.

I'm not there singing. I'm not there making relations. I'm not there being happy. I'm not there, excited. I'm not a part of it. I'm on the sideline, jealous of the close knittedness. I hate this.

The burden of solitude.

This is the second night in a row I go to bed with a sour taste in my mouth. I don't know, it's probably stupid. It's not like I want to confront him about it, I'm just so disappointed he lied to me. Again. I didn't want to do the birthday in the first place, and he was the one to talk me into it, and then when I can't get out of it and were not together anymore, he leaves early and lies about the reason. He can do whatever he wants, I'm really fucking doing everything in my power to back off and leave him to find himself, but does he have to lie?!

I shouldn't be surprised, should I?

On top of that, it's like.. He keeps saying how much he wants us to be friends, how much it means to him. Yet, it's not like we really talk. At all. The few times we have, has been "Hi, you have my... Can I drop by to pick up... Hope you're doing okay.".
I feel a bit abandoned.

Hearing him tell he was happy I'd found someone new.. Jesus. I wanted to scream at him that I haven't. That it was pure stupidity and lack of judgement. That it wasn't.. Good. That it wasn't him. That I felt absolutely nothing. That I'm only trying to fool myself into feeling enough to be distracted. That I wish he would make all the unwanted attention go away.

Cause oh my god. This one guy, a friend, has written or called daily since Friday, to hang out. We're watching a movie tomorrow, and I'm planning to friendzone him so solidly he might think he hit a brick wall. I'm not getting into anything with someone who's currently divorcing one of my friends, and who has a kid. No. Just hell no. I like him as a friend, he's cool and we click and we can talk about the difficult stuff, but no. No romancing. No flinging, even.

The other one is.. Trying to be something he's not and never will be. And I'm keeping him at arms length. I don't want all the crap. Coming over just to sleep? No. Just no. That's boyfriend behaviour, and I said no. Cause yes, he can make me smile and laugh, but he's also too caring, too involved, trying to be too close. Suffocating. I know it's cause he does care, cause he's been just waiting to be my world, but I don't want a new world. I want my world to be about me for a while. Cause it was about.. One of the people I have loved most, ever, for a long time. And I need to reroute a lot of shit in my brain and heart. I expect that to take years. So I'm not interested in playing house, and I've made that brutally clear.

I'm just.. I'm not ready for all that. I tested the waters, and they were frozen solid. So no. Nun-break.

I don't know, I feel like he's avoiding me. He left Junction early, too. Shortly after I got there. And, I know it's so stupid but... I was looking forward to playing with him at CoW. And now I dread it. His character is so fucking mean to mine, I don't know if I'll be able to not break down if he acts like that ingame.. It feels horrible. We won't have a relation. And it's not like I lack relations or anything to do there, it's just.. We were supposed to do this together. I hate this.

And there came the waterworks. I miss him. I'm so paranoid about his behaviour I even thought maybe he was the one who got me ininvited to a CoW thing tonight. It's probably just this girl I have a relation to's way of kicking off our actual relation, but..I don't know. It made me sad in real life, cause I didn't get why I wasn't welcome, so we could workshop.

I know nothing. I'm really just sad and confused and hurt. But I have to put my brave face on and power through. Cause he can't be strong for me, this time, I have to be the strong one.

I wish he could just be my friend long enough to hug me and tell me we would be fine. That we'll figure this friendship thing out. But I'm not gonna ask anything of him. He needs me not to.

Shit.

Life continues..

Sometimes, things just happen really fast. The dinner last week went... Well. It went. It was hard as hell. I didn't get through it without tears, but I kept most of them at bay. I was trying so hard to behave like a proper ex, and not hurt him. I just have no idea how to do that, so it's all gut feeling. I hope I can manage it. He's not doing very well, and I so want him to find his feet. I feel guilty over doing well myself. I'm glad he told me, though. He can't go missing from the world, he means too much. And I'll drop whatever to take him to get help, if he needs it. Even if.. I know he thinks it's a bad idea that it should be me. And I expect he feels it adds to how we were always.. Uneven, in lack of a better word, after I helped him out of his depression. I know he feels bad for not being able to stick out the hard times for me, like I did for him. And I'm not gonna lie and say a part of me is not disappointed. But I get it. It was hard on me back then, too, and I considered giving up on several occasions. He doesn't have the resources, and I don't blame him. Not truly.
So I get it if he doesn't want to add to that feeling, but.. It's about him being alive. And that kinda outweighs the other stuff.

It was pretty hard, when we walked to the subway.. This.. Gigantic mural appeared right in front of us. A+C with a heart. We had just split to go our separate ways, and he stood right in front of it, and while my stomach dropped, he turned around to point it out. My heart just.. Broke. We had both thought the same thing. A week before, we would have been excited, and taken silly couples pictures, making faces, kissing.. And now it was just fate kicking us in the fucking face. I cried all the way to the harbour, and it was like.. Like I was mourning everything we had and lost.
But I decided that I would be okay. So that's what I'm going to be.

On a whole other note, I left Baltha. And I almost started spilling all my frustration tonight, but he didn't need that. So I kept quiet. And the last of the drama probably hasn't commenced yet. We'll see.

Ugh. I'm too tired to detail everything. And I'd much rather save my energy for tomorrow night. Dinner and good company will be awesome, especially this company. Our conversations always just.. Run amok. Time tends to fly, and suddenly it's really late. I'm excited to see where it goes. For now, we're just enjoying flirting. And that feels nice. He makes me smile.

Butterflies.

I feel giddy. It's odd, really, half of it is from breaking into new territory in RP, and getting into the mindset of the character. I haven't played love much, so I was pretty lacking in resources to pull from, but my nervousness was put to ease by the other player who totally had it down. And wine. Cause I felt like it.

The other half is from staying up all night to endulge myself in some attention and flirting. I was surprised at how receptive I was to it. I expected to be a guy repeller deluxe for a while, but apparently not. The tricky part is to take my time to check my emotions, so I don't just.. Jump into something I'm not comfortable with. I'm in no rush. But I am intrigued, and it's very annoying that it's making me curious.

Well. I wasn't stupid enough not to line out some boundaries. And make it clear I'm not looking for anything serious. Further than not looking, really, I don't want it.

But finding out I'm on exactly the same page as someone I've kept at arms length while being spoken for, and knowing there's interest and chemistry.. I am intrigued. I haven't made up my mind if I'm going to explore it, though.

Time will tell. But for now, I'll enjoy the giddy.

Too busy to even really feel it.

Long day. Went to pick up a steamer trunk today, and it's amazing. Went to the grandparent's after, and got some stuff sorted out. Which is nice.

I'm really worried about tomorrow. It can go really bad, really fast, with us. Limits. Odd shit. But I do have some. And I guess I need to communicate them. Somehow. Without crying or yelling in public.

Ugh. I don't wanna. I just want to be over it, over him. It would be much easier for everyone.