I love Aladdin

Life is one curious thing, you know? This past week or so has been odd. The squirrel contacted me quite out of the blue. I'll leave it at he needed someone to talk to, who knew him well enough to understand. I don't know if I did help, and I think the consequences ended up doing more harm then good. I'll probably always think he can do better.

It was weird, really. Sitting there, being filled with nostalgia, and yet feeling only the emptyness of the friendship lost. And at the same time knowing it was a matter of hours, maybe a day, maybe a week, till he'd leave again. I think that's why it didn't have a bigger impact; I didn't let myself get reattached, I knew he'd be gone in a heartbeat. And sometimes I feel the fool. I was always second, and I always would have been, had our paths not seperated. And I would have lived with it, if he needed me to. I didn't let him know a lot about how I am or what's going on here, and I didn't want to. I knew he'd change his mind on contacting me.

And I stand by my words to him. I'm in a good place now. It might not be what most consider ideal, but it's good for me, and I don't want it changed. I don't want it back. I'm not what he really needs or wants, I'm just the fantasy of what used to be perfect. I deserve and want to be more then that, to a person.

All the empty promises were no good then, and I can't use them today either. Only difference is, back then I actually wanted all that. And yes, if we were still the same, if we were both the same as we were back then, we could probably have a perfect life together. But we're not silly teenagers anymore. I'm done dreaming of if's and maybe's. And there's no emotions left on that level. It's only the friendship I miss.

So it was really quite easy for me, being there as a support. I'll never turn down his hand if it reaches for me. I couldn't. But I'll be realistic about it. I haven't forgotten what I've been through, on his account. I don't blame him for it either, it just made me that much wiser.

He was my best friend for 6 years. I don't care if he took advantage of me. I don't care if he could be cruel "just because". I don't care that he ended up detesting what I did and who I surrounded myself with. I don't care that I was always second in line. He was there when I needed him to be. He was there when I raged and cried, and he reached out for my consolation when he was the one who needed it. He let me in, and snuck his way behind my barriers as well. He was the voice in the back of my mind who told me when I was being an idiot about something, and let me be so if I wanted. He had my back, and he kept my secrets. He protected me as well as I allowed him. He was my friend. End of story.

And then my cat got picked up and taking to his new home. He's doing good already, so I'm less worried about him then I thought I would be. He'll be fine with Mac :) Eating plants already, that's a good sign. I was afraid he'd hide under the bed for all eternity, so brave behaviour is a surprise to me. I hope he doesn't hate me. His mommy put him in the scary-box, handed him over to a stranger, and sent him off. Yes, I feel like shit for doing it. But it was better all-round, and so I try to be the eternal optimist about it, and not let it show that I'm sad that he's gone. Listening to Disney songs helps. I think I've watched Aladdin 4 times since I got it weeks ago, and now Youtube is suffering my abuse as well.

I think it's a wonder, it's only been 8 days since it snowed. And yesterday I walked around outside wearing a thin dress, leggings and a jacket as thin as the dress. Barely anything. Today it was even better. I love the late spring and early summer. It brings out the beauty in a smile.

Now, I'm gonna get all prettyfied. Do the hair and makeup and put on a nice dress. And hopefully has as wonderful and evening as I had a day. If I can make this mop of hair behave.

Crazy shit. Yes, I said shit.

*Originally written and posted on April 21rst. Removed it for awhile to protect an old friend from a huge fight. Now that the fight found place anyway, I feel the blog won't have an impact, and therefore posting it.*


Okay, so at the beginning time of this blog, it's 12.40 pm. Just past noon. And so far, this day has been BEYOND wacked. I woke up from the most awesome dream in ages, despite the fact that it took hours of uneasy fussing to fall asleep. I'm playing with the thought, that if I bundle a blanket up next to me so the bed doesn't feel so wide, it might go a little easier. I had a crazy craving for pancakes, which will be fulfilled a little later ^.^

So after about another hour in bed, I decide to get up. Put on some music to wake up my brain as well. Seriously, I am NOT a morning person. So I get my computer going, turn on the music, and think "Hey, lets go check the email!" as I pretty much do as the first thing every time I turn on this thing. And yay, crappy junkmail! More yay for even more crappy junkmail! And a facebook notification that someone wrote me! Awesome! ... Wait, what? Who? No, that has to be a mistake, the squirrel hasn't initiated any contact for.. how long has it been? 9 months? Almost 10? That has to be a facebook-screw-up. *Click*

Oh. So it wasn't a facebook-screw-up. Huh. Well. This is weird. Wasn't I supposed to suffer in silence for another decade or something? Till some day I forgot. Needing my help, should I care? Should I give him the chance to destroy me completely with hurt? Which it has the potential to do, at the prospect of letting him go again, after venting. He claimed it the ruin of us, that I sacrificed too much for him to bear, as if I was unable to deny him anything. Unable, no. Never unable to, simply unwilling to. A pattern that seems burned into me, huh?

Not a pattern I will ever regret or look ill upon. I need my breaks from time to time, yes. But I will give till I have no more to give, if that is what it takes for another person. I will not be changed from that.

I gave him 6 years of my life. Starting at scared, troubled, untrusting, he showed me the way to standing tall, proved you could trust some, and that loving someone didn't have to hurt all the time, or be specified to something locked in a box. And others have taught me different things since then, but had I not had him, they would never have gotten the chance to show me anything at all. I owe him everything for that.

So to the comment of "I won't blame you if you ignore me" it was a given for me to ask if he ever doubted I would answer. Even if I'll only be a temporary place to put some thoughts, I'll be there. In all honesty, I'm counting on him leaving again, afterwards. He couldn't accept my choice of lifestyle then, so I certainly don't think he would approve now. Given the details, he would most likely want to kill the Puppy. If he still cares, that is. I'm not even sure if it matters, he'll be gone again soon, better not to think too much about it.

We're in april, and it snowed earlier. I called the Bat to tell how fucked up my day had already been, the cat was even on the microwave earlier! He has never jumped up there before, to my knowledge. And days before he's leaving my ownership, I find him doing weird things. Seconds after we hung up, after agreeing that she'd come have pancakes with me and mom and the café, my Puppy calls, to mock me with the snow. Cause he knows how tired I became of it this winter, it was overkill on the weathergods' part. Though, I have grown a little more fond of it then I used to be. We had some really good moments with it this winter :)

Tonight, a bunch of us is going to Lal's place, welcoming Julie home from France. I haven't been very social lately, so I suppose I should look forward to it. I'll have the worrying in the back of my mind all day, though, if I don't hear anything from the squirrel before I leave. Funny, how a day in april can be so freaking odd. Next thing I know, I'll hear from the Lilac-person too.

When it's 7.30 am and your day has still not ended..

I rarely share things I write (as in poetry, shortstories or novels) with people, mainly cause they tend to be personal and written to get something off my chest, not to rouse praise or critisism. But also because I'm very shy about it. Yeah, praise makes me blush and feel oddly uncomfortable, and critisism makes me want to hit "delete" a lot. Let's not pretend I'm all brave when it comes to these things, just see how long it took to make me sing in front of a person who does not keep critisism back, even when my singing is actually something I feel relatively proud of.

Anyhow. Here's to being brave.


Memory Lane

Care to walk down this road with me?
I promise I will make you see
What horrors hide in shadows here
Come, hold my hand, best you stay near

I know, my love, it’s hard to watch
How innocence it fades with touch
Its purity all drained and gone
The further we keep walking on

Don’t fret, my dear, it’s how it goes
How life unfolds its highs and lows
Nothing ever stays the same
And all you have is you to blame

Come, darling, we are nearly there
I’ll show you what I truly fear
Right there, the corner, don’t you see?
That huddled up figure is childhood-me

Sorry, honey, I know it’s hard
A kid that age, always on her guard
But you should see it, just to understand
Why one doesn’t always have the will to stand

Just around this bend, my sweet
We’ll turn and walk a darker street
Do not run away, keep holding on tight
Too soon to just give up the fight

Now here comes the part that I wanted to show
Watch your step now, take it nice and slow
Better keep your distance, from that abyss ahead
Fall down there, and insanity will take over instead

Hold on tight, my pet, to your reality
Too close to the edge will cost vitality
This is what will wait for you, if you don’t watch your feet
Cold, black nothingness, and no way you can cheat

My guess is this, that in the deep
A mirror will await and show what you keep
Of secrets and lies, of slander and sin
It’s going to show exactly who you’ve been

Do not look down, if what you’ve seen
Makes you think the world is mean
It’s up to you to stay on your track
Walk away from the abyss, and don’t look back.

It's lonely on the top, huh?

People are really making me sick these days. It's funny how it always starts with my family, and I never notice it till it spreads to my friends.

I visit my grandparents once a week. As a kid I used to go there every weekend, with my cousin. When we got older, she showed up only every other weekend, and finally only came around every now and then. I got older, and friends got more interesting than grandparents, and so I followed her path. Nowadays, I get that they don't get out much or see that many people, and so their family is what's important. Thus, I visit.

These past few years, my grandparents and mom have had a hobby. Genealogy. Finding out who was parents to who, and where and when, hundreds of years back. And the discussions they have about it is both boring, and to me useless. Most of these people died hundreds of years ago, what use is the information today? But fine, it gives them something to do. I just wish they'd keep the god damn noise down.

And then there's the complete exclusion from the conversation, that sort of bothers me. One thing is I don't know the least about what they're talking about, that's my own choice. Another is the fact that even if they're not yelling at eachother, even if they're being silent, they don't hear me when I speak. I can repeat a question 4-5 times, with no response or recognition of my exsistence whatsoever.

The other day, I visited a friend. They asked me to come over and help with something, and I brought soda and beer cause they were frustrated about it. I was there 3-4 hours. And when I left, I couldn't help thinking I might as well have just gone home in stead of going there. I think out of everything I said while there, 2 or 3 things were heard and responded to. The rest of the time, I was cut off, the subject was changed, or I simply got no response. I think I spent half an hour in silence, staring at the ceiling, at one point.

And I was actually happy a few days ago. And suddenly it hit me how I have no one to share that with. The funny thing about happiness, to me at least, is that I don't find it very nice to have, if I'm the only one to enjoy it. And now I'm just angry and sad and most of all, disappointed, that the people I usually talk to about things, good as well as bad, are simply ignoring me. It's a very lonely feeling.

And hearing the sentence "I'm happy for you" is just not what I need. I need the look of annoyance and envy gone from their eyes when I tell something funny that happened. I need a genuine smile. I need to be looked in the eyes while I talk, so I know I'm being listened to. And I don't know how many times I've done this for others, which just makes it that much worse that they can't seem to return it.

At least I know there's one person who actually wants to be there, the only one who actually has a good reason why they can't be. And I don't want my negativity taken out on that person, since they deserve it least, and is not the cause of it.

So now I'm taking a break from people. To calm myself down and to protect the innocents from my outbursts. It helps, having that in the back of my mind. That there's a person who really does not need to deal with your anger. Keeps me a little more aware, keeps me at bay.