2009 summed up

It's amazing the details you remember. I remember how it felt to turn and walk away from a friend trying to save me from my own misery. How I felt, making up my mind that night, to save myself. To make my life what I wanted it to be. I decided that on January 1rst 2009. I remember the feel of being almost sober after a party, going home mid-morning, how it was cold. How laying next to someone who held me tight, thawed me and warmed my heart a little bit. I remember walking to my grandparents from a market, feeling the sun bite the skin on my face and arms, laughing while talking sarcastically about how we'd make the perfect couple. How stupid I felt a couple of weeks later, when I realised we both probably had put more thought behind that then we wanted to admit. I remember how it stopped being important in a single fight.

I remember how my world was twisted upside down, in a single hug by an almost-stranger, the very next day. How the summerheat didn't reach the temperatures that not-so-much-of-a-stranger-anymore stirred in me. I remember how much I talked, simply because I was suddenly nervous. How that nervousness stayed in me all summer, cause the feeling was so new and strange to me. How off it felt, and at the same time wonderful, that someone had ungrounded me. I remember the blankness in my head, every time he smiled a certain smile or looked at me in a certain way. I remember feeling foolish for my sudden lack of witty comebacks, and for having to remind myself to breathe, at times. I remember understanding how much I had really lacked and needed what he offered.

I remember way too hot nights, how I'd kick the blanket off my legs, or shimmy it down to my waist, and lay naked under the open window, enjoying the slightest gust of air. I remember how little the heat suddenly mattered when it came from him, and I remember silently swearing to myself I'd never let go of that memory. I remember the fall blowing cooler weather into my life, and I remember missing having my hand held. I remember sadness, then resolution, and how it smacked me hard in the face when I looked at myself racing back towards everything I had decided to leave behind. I remember it shocking me into a solid decision, and remember how proud I felt when I saw myself in a new light. A very confident one. I remember being very grateful for the amount of time I got to have with him.

I remember how indifferent I acted, and how much it hurt to do so, when my best friend walked away. How it absolutely tore my heart out, not to plead with him to stay. How I wanted to cry, knowing it was better for him to live his life without me in it. I remember gut-wrenching pain when I was sad, and he wasn't there to make bad jokes and make me laugh, and it hit me he never would again.

I remember kissing someone, just to prove to myself I could. I remember how absolutely horrible I felt after. I remember how wrong it felt during. How the lips I was kissing were too thin, too cold, too hard. How the teasing and the demand and the intensity comepletely lacked. How, in that moment, I dreamed of having to crane my neck more, missing the smell of familiar warm skin, the taste of coffee, cinnamon, caramel and something undefinable. How the hands on my waist were too small, didn't grip firmly enough, and were touching me in a way that signaled foreignness. I remember wanting to run right out of there, and straight to the one who knew how to do it right. I remember glee at learning to love simple things more.

I remember annoyance at the resurfacing of someone now a nuissance. I remember realizing how childlike I found the drama. I remember anger for not being understood when I spoke, and the relief in my mind when I stopped trying. The peace filling me, a bubbly, glorifying, golden tint to my vision. I remember snow start to fall. I remember a year of learning. A year of warmth, intimacy and care. A year of drama and simplicity. A year of new perspective, new likes and loves, new adventures, new experiences, new fairytales. A year where the lines between friendship and more, got too blurry. A year where snoring became a comforting sound, and soreness all over meant I'd had a blast. A year where going out became fun again, and friends started mattering more.

A year I learned to hope again. A year I got inspired. A year I'll never forget.