Busy Bee

And I screw it up again. Finally, last night, I came in contact with something that could pass for decent sleeping hours. I dozed and waited for the installation to be done, from midnight till 1.30, and went to bed to proceed in the land of Z's, and ended up sleeping another 10 hours. Catching up with my pillow. And then I decided not to help closing tonight, I'd leave at 2 after cleaning, and avoid being trapped alone with mom and the jerk.

Then I figured I'd go to bed, and get up at a decent hour tomorrow. We're now passing 4.30, and I'm not the least bit tired. I'm restless as all hell.

But then again, the weirdness of sleep between monday and tuesday, is sure to have fucked up my rythm for the week. Entertaining as it was, looking back at it the next day. Finally getting to bed early, being woken up after a couple of hours by the tossing and turning of another slave to insomnia. Spending at least an hour on falling back asleep, only to be woken up an hour later, by being pressed flat against the mattress by something you're too sleepy to really understand at first. Realizing you have person laying flat on top of you, trapping you under the covers and talking about breakfeast. Trying to make your brain wake up and respond to the very sweet gesture of someone asking what you want from the bakery.

Eating breakfeast at 6 am, wrapped up in the covers you brought with you from the bed to the couch, cause it's cold and you're still not nearly rested enough. Deciding to read a bit, and then falling asleep again on the couch. Waking up to a, to you, stranger standing in the middle of the room, talking to the inhabitant about pregnant not-pregnant snakes and singstar.

I have to say, that last bit was just odd to wake up to XD I still support the suggestion of Mambo No. 5.

Anyhow. Project "Borrow Flemming and install WoW to have entertainment for the next two weeks' time" totally flopped. It has taken me about 15 hours, all in all, to install and then run updates, only to find out the amount of RAM in the damn thing DID have a solid effect. There's only memory enough to last about 10 minutes, and that includes a LOT of cough-ups from the poor old bastard. I COULD run ten minutes, reboot, run ten minutes, reboot.. And so on. However, that tends to become a nuisance. So maybe I'll just use this thing for FB and MSN and blogging, and keep the WoWing to the "noise-hall full of guys not used to seeing such a mysterious creature as a girl". Also known as the netcafé.

I'm proud of something that happened tonight! It's very random and idiotic, but there's this regular at the bar who's been teaching me some basics in dancing, and so far I've sucked big time. I keep overthinking the steps and trying to take the lead (what a surprise, eh?), and when he tells me to stop thinking, I step on his feet in stead. HOWEVER! Tonight, he just grabbed me out of nowhere, and I followed his lead, not thinking about where I put my feet, just sensing where he put his, and I managed!! Yay! (I still do turns in the wrong direction, but I'll get there!)

Saturday evening will be the big christmas lunch afterparty. The Bat and I won't arrive till after the dining, and come to think of it, we might arrive seperately, for once. But either way, I'm suspecting there will be drunken people by the time we get there. Very drunken people. The last time I attended one of these things, I was met in the door by the host, who informed me he had just mooned the guests, and then sauntered off to his bedroom, where he slept soundly to the next morning. I'm thinking that, if people are too drunk to be around, I'll convince the Bat to go to The Rock with me. I miss going out, that being to places that doesn't resemble the place I work.

Besides, an evening dressed in leather from top to toe, ought to be more fun outside the confines of a crowded 2-room apartment.

Hmm, what to do tomorrow. Maybe drag the snake-tamer to the movies, for the CORRECT movie, this time XD Sappy lovestory with Merryl Streep, no thank you. Vampiremovie, yes please.

Night, little ones.

Fieldtrip

So, since I won't have my computer back till in at least 2 weeks, I thought it'd be a good idea to come up with a back up plan for my addiction to the keyboard. Thus, I find myself amongst a lot of strangers, at a netcafé. Second time, ever I've been to one. Not really a fan, it's very loud, and the countdown that's currently telling me I have 15 minutes left of my 2 hours is making me stress.

My first night without a computer, was badly timed. My mood was off, so I couldn't sleep. And usually, that's result in gaming or writing or at least listening to some music. This all happens from the laptop, however, so I ended up doing something as brilliant as writing a song. Yeah, started out as a poem, and then I started humming something senseless, and before I knew it, the singing craved my attention. Doesn't have a title yet, and I honestly have no idea what to call it. I wouldn't even show the lyrics or sing it, to more then a selected few, as it's a very honest, private topic.

Can't help thinking, though. It's not like I created a masterpiece or anything, but I wrote a song in one night. I wonder how much creative energy goes to waste in WoW or stalking people on facebook. Maybe I should actually do what people has told me since the beginning of all time. Devote time to it and stop screwing around. 9 minutes left.

I think I'm gonna go home, put on Repo, and grab a pen. Suddenly a word will pop up, and who the hell knows.. By the time I get my laptop back, I could've written a whole freaking album.

If my head won't keep me too contemplative to even write. The confusion of a lifetime is trying to cram up in there, and apparently I'm doing everything I'm trying to avoid. Yet I can see the point, that my attempt at being considerate, could be taken as being very inconsiderate, the opposite of where I was going.

Idiotic part? That's usually MY reaction. I'm used to being in the other end of that sort of thing, and I'm flabbergasted I could forget. But then again.. I barely have enough concentration to think in coherent sentences, these days.. Silence is good.

2 Minutes.

Oh, crikey!

Okay, so the day took a turn for the worse. I am currently using my mother's boyfriend's laptop. My own? Is on it's merry way to Sweden. Yeah, a simple little repair that's going to take about 2-4 weeks.

.... Can you say shockmode?

I almost started crying right there in the store. It felt horrible to leave the damn thing behind, almost like the way it felt to leave my cat at the vet's, when he got neutered.

Damn cooler -.-

So. I'm starting to get frustrated about the job thing, I haven't heard from them yet, and that annoys the crap out of me. I need the damn money. I'm already looking for apartments, even if it'll be a couple of months till I can actually afford one. Checking out the market, so to speak.

I don't remember ever being as stressed out as I am these days. And considering I sleep 14 hours a day, I don't have a lot of time to get stressed. I'm seriously considering having some bloodwork done, it feels very unnatural to be tired as much as I am, unless you can get this tired purely from having too much to think about? Just seems like everyone around me is down. The bat, my brother, my mom, my grandparents are really stressed out as well, even my little piece of heaven on earth, and the angel who inhabits it, is under a lot of pressure.

I've always been one to try and ease the burden of the people I care about, but this is a lot. I can't be everywhere at once, and with my own worries for the future, right now, my mental capacity is stretched a little thin. But I try. Bowling with sodabottles and citrusfruits to create a fun, distracting activity. Being the voice of reason in a bout of mental insanity. Comforting stray tears of frustration and defeat. Silently holding a hand to say you're there when they need you, whenever and however that may be.

I'm hoping these people know I want to be there. Hoping to see better days for them. Hoping that things will get easier. For all of us. Things look very dark and hopeless right now, but I've turned into an eternal optimist. It can only go up from here. Right?

Insert whimper.

Finally, I managed to get up while it's still daytime! Light! Yay! ... Yeah, my sleeping habits really are aweful. The only times I've seen daylight this past week, has been when I still haven't gone to bed by the time the sun rose. And I do have to work tonight, so I know I won't get to bed till 3, but even so, I think I can manage getting up at 10-11 ish tomorrow. And with my laptop probably at repair by then, I might even get some stuff done.

I really hate that sound it's been making. I think it's the cooler, either it needs some serious cleaning, or it needs to simply be replaced, cause this thing has never made so much noise before. So granddad is on his way this minute, so we can take it to the store, have them take a look at it. Thank whatever is holy in this world for the 2 year garuantee.

Anyhow. I'm hoping the bat will be able to afford going to The Rock with me this saturday. Not that I ever listen to The 69 Eyes anymore, it's more of a nostalgic thing. We saw them like.. 5 years ago, and had one hell of an evening. So now that they're playing at our favorite club, we should go see them. We need to go out more, anyway. And odd things always happens at The Rock XD

So.. Anything else new? (Don't you hate when you know you had something you wanted to write about, and the second you start typing, you completely forget?) My dear brother turns 23 today. Happy Birthday to him!

This has been the most uninteresting blog I've ever written :D I might update it later, when I remember what the heck it was I wanted to write about, if I get to take my laptop back home with me, that is.

2009 summed up

It's amazing the details you remember. I remember how it felt to turn and walk away from a friend trying to save me from my own misery. How I felt, making up my mind that night, to save myself. To make my life what I wanted it to be. I decided that on January 1rst 2009. I remember the feel of being almost sober after a party, going home mid-morning, how it was cold. How laying next to someone who held me tight, thawed me and warmed my heart a little bit. I remember walking to my grandparents from a market, feeling the sun bite the skin on my face and arms, laughing while talking sarcastically about how we'd make the perfect couple. How stupid I felt a couple of weeks later, when I realised we both probably had put more thought behind that then we wanted to admit. I remember how it stopped being important in a single fight.

I remember how my world was twisted upside down, in a single hug by an almost-stranger, the very next day. How the summerheat didn't reach the temperatures that not-so-much-of-a-stranger-anymore stirred in me. I remember how much I talked, simply because I was suddenly nervous. How that nervousness stayed in me all summer, cause the feeling was so new and strange to me. How off it felt, and at the same time wonderful, that someone had ungrounded me. I remember the blankness in my head, every time he smiled a certain smile or looked at me in a certain way. I remember feeling foolish for my sudden lack of witty comebacks, and for having to remind myself to breathe, at times. I remember understanding how much I had really lacked and needed what he offered.

I remember way too hot nights, how I'd kick the blanket off my legs, or shimmy it down to my waist, and lay naked under the open window, enjoying the slightest gust of air. I remember how little the heat suddenly mattered when it came from him, and I remember silently swearing to myself I'd never let go of that memory. I remember the fall blowing cooler weather into my life, and I remember missing having my hand held. I remember sadness, then resolution, and how it smacked me hard in the face when I looked at myself racing back towards everything I had decided to leave behind. I remember it shocking me into a solid decision, and remember how proud I felt when I saw myself in a new light. A very confident one. I remember being very grateful for the amount of time I got to have with him.

I remember how indifferent I acted, and how much it hurt to do so, when my best friend walked away. How it absolutely tore my heart out, not to plead with him to stay. How I wanted to cry, knowing it was better for him to live his life without me in it. I remember gut-wrenching pain when I was sad, and he wasn't there to make bad jokes and make me laugh, and it hit me he never would again.

I remember kissing someone, just to prove to myself I could. I remember how absolutely horrible I felt after. I remember how wrong it felt during. How the lips I was kissing were too thin, too cold, too hard. How the teasing and the demand and the intensity comepletely lacked. How, in that moment, I dreamed of having to crane my neck more, missing the smell of familiar warm skin, the taste of coffee, cinnamon, caramel and something undefinable. How the hands on my waist were too small, didn't grip firmly enough, and were touching me in a way that signaled foreignness. I remember wanting to run right out of there, and straight to the one who knew how to do it right. I remember glee at learning to love simple things more.

I remember annoyance at the resurfacing of someone now a nuissance. I remember realizing how childlike I found the drama. I remember anger for not being understood when I spoke, and the relief in my mind when I stopped trying. The peace filling me, a bubbly, glorifying, golden tint to my vision. I remember snow start to fall. I remember a year of learning. A year of warmth, intimacy and care. A year of drama and simplicity. A year of new perspective, new likes and loves, new adventures, new experiences, new fairytales. A year where the lines between friendship and more, got too blurry. A year where snoring became a comforting sound, and soreness all over meant I'd had a blast. A year where going out became fun again, and friends started mattering more.

A year I learned to hope again. A year I got inspired. A year I'll never forget.

The year of years.... So far.

And a new year begins. Wow, I can't believe how fast this year has passed by. I'm still confused the sun doesn't wake me up at 6 am, 3 hours after it has set. The year has been really good, honestly. I've met a lot of great people, said goodbye to a couple friends, and been on a journey of selfdiscovery. I'm quite proud to say I like what I've found in myself. I think it's been healthy for me, to concentrate on who I really am and who I want to be. I've spent a lot of time setting limits this year. I've never really been aware how much I've crippled myself, by being unable or unwilling to really put my foot down and say stop. And starting to do so has helped me define myself as a person.

Now, I'm down to refining the details. The rough outline is complete, and it really has improved my lifequality. I probably couldn't have done it without my friends and my family, and I know a lot of them has noticed the positive impact this has made in my life. My beloved bat is my eternal support, the one who cheers me up in the worst of days. My lion, though no longer a part of my life, has made a permanent inflict. He's the voice in my head who tells me when I'm being an idiot. My mental sparring partner. And he will be forever. My mom, reminding me daily I'm responsible for my own happiness. My grandparents, always there, always willing to show their love and support. My sister, my confidential. No more needs to be said there, she knows her importance to me. My brother, the light and brightness on dark paths, the one I love more then anything else, the reminder of all things good, my protector and friend. And the newcomer who inspired my future and opened so many new doors, for which I'm forever grateful. The one who swept in on a hot summer day, and reminded me to live again.

Every single one, and more, have helped me get to where I am now. It has been a truly awesome year. I'm looking forward to make 2010 even better!