More sentimental crap..

This really is a weird time for me. Normally, around this time of year, I would be all about presents and post offices, and worrying about things getting there in time, and this year.. I'm finding it very hard to respect his wish to be left alone. It's just so weird! It's all fucked up and wrong. I should be there.

Really, what difference would it even make. We would both just complain about another event where I can't actually be there in person. Wanting to only gets you so far. He's probably better off without me, think of all the fighting he gets to go without.. Stupid thing is.. I miss him so much I even miss the fighting.

And at the same time I feel guilty, cause he's been right. I've had the best summer of my life. And I've been having a great time, doing all those things he hated me doing. I've loved every second of it, and I've loved not being judged for it. And isn't that like loving him not being there?

But I don't. I really don't love that part. There's still been times where all I've wanted to do, was tell him how happy something made me, or tell him about how much fun something has been, how amazing these people I've met are, and how I finally feel alive.

It's just not the same without him. I miss hearing about his work and listen to his wacky rants. I miss joking around with him. I could probably make a list of things I miss, but I know logically that it's better this way. For both of us. I guess this whole birthday thing is making me (more) sentimental.

I hope he's happy. He deserves to be.

The day it all began..

Today will always be weird for me from now on. As in the date, August 21rst. It would be 6 years today, 6 years of friendship. He's still missed, I think it's impossible not to miss someone you love, but it's getting a little easier. I don't really have to try very hard to stay distracted, cause I have plans all the time. Now I kind of miss KaZaA..

I was planning on staying at home today, expecting to be.. Well, quite unhappy. However, I was given an advice that I wasn't really expecting to work, but figured "What the heck, it can't be any worse then sitting at home all day, moping around." So I spent the night out, went home to entertain my very neglected cat for awhile, then took off to visit my sister at her work, (where I actually managed to shut a guy up who usually never shuts up, in a very funny way. My sister spluttered soda from my comment.) Now I've just finished up dinner, and when I'm done blogging, I'm gonna walk all the way back the same way I came home earlier, to hang out with the guys at The Little Café. Yup. And I haven't been the least bit moody, I'm impressed with myself.

You know who you are: Thank you for encouraging me to change it :)

Turning down the charm!

What an odd evening. Went to help closing up at the bar tonight, and quite honestly got hit on by some very weird people. But I'll get back to that later.

Been feeling crappy all day. I'm a little feverish and have a headache, and feeling nauseus since I woke up. Well, it never really went away after I got car sick last night, but the driving might have just acted as a trigger for whatever this is. But I have all weekend to get some rest, turns out I only have morning cleaning on saturday, maybe fetching lunch for mom, and then I'm all free to do whatever I please. Like watch that gigantic stack of movies I have next to the tv.

I finally got around to finish season 2 of Criminal Minds. It wasn't as good as I thought it would be, way too predictable. And not enough Reid.

So, I got to the bar tonight, feeling all pale and washed out. I was happy to see it was really dead, so there wasn't any rushing around or a lot of noise. I joked around with the regulars, mocked the stepdad, cleared the tables, avoided the drunks, same old, same old.

Then this.. Tiny, overly drunk woman from Greenland walks in. The first thing she does, after staggering over to the end of the bar where I'm standing, is putting her arm around my waist and leaning up against me, saying "Hello there, honey!".

...... *Twitch*

For those of you who know me... You know how I feel about people touching me uninvited. Especially strangers. My first reaction was to stiffen up and ask what on earth she was doing. "Why, cuddling, darling."

........... *Doubletwitch*

"Yeah, well, not with me." I very quickly untangled myself and fleed to the other room. 5 minutes of sitting there, minding my own business and my cellphone, later, this guy walks in. I know who he is, let's call him Bob, he works across the street at the 7/11, he's the manager and has been working there since the place opened. He and a couple of friends was there to have a whisky before going home after work, and we start talking. Mainly about the lack of available jobs these days, and about how he doesn't remember having seen me at the bar, though I'm more known there then he could ever imagine.

Anyway. He starts getting all flirty with me, asking about my age, commenting on how my hairdo looked nice, and I basically just ignore the flirting tone, cause that's what you do when a guy who's a decade older then you, who you have absolutely no interest or attraction to, comes on to you. I excuse myself to go out back and rearrange some stuff (And no, it wasn't just an excuse, I actually had some work to do) and the guy actually asks my stepdad if it's okay he takes a look at the back rooms. Just cause he's curious.

He wasn't so curious about the rooms, that's for damn sure, he went straight to the room I was in, filling sodaslots. (Makes it easier to do inventory later.) And he politely (yeah right) asked if he could help me, stood just a little too close in the already tiny room, took my glasses from me to try on, laughed about how drunk he felt from wearing them, and even fucking insisted on putting them back on me, without, and I quote "poking those pretty eyes with them."

................................ *Twitcherdoodle."

And he just wouldn't get out of my freaking way so I could get back out where the people, the lovely will-come-save-me-with-distractions-or-fists-if-necessary people. I had to actually push past him. And that was AFTER he put his arm around my shoulders to give me a hug.

He didn't get the point till he told me I was a really nice girl, and half stroked, half pinched my cheek, and I told him "Thank you, but please don't pinch my cheek, it's something grandmother's does. Actually, please don't touch me."

Ugh, and I thought the little greenland woman was bad.

Howling at the moon tonight..

Okay, so I'm a little scatterbrained. As per usual, I'm tempted to say. It's good, though, the thoughtfulness can be very useful. Except for when it kicks in when I'm looking at people. Bad habit, that staring it comes off as. A bit annoying, too, I was recently told it was a little creepy. It probably is. I don't know, I don't stare at myself intensely very often.

I'll be working tomorrow, maybe friday as well, depending on whether or not mom's bf's kid is visiting this weekend. Hey, no complaints from me, it means more money. Don't really have any plans saturday and sunday, which is boring as all hell. Oh, yeah, going to the harbour friday at noon-ish, to enjoy some of the (probably) last sun this year. And then seeing my sister and her bf on monday.

I'm restless though. I kind of feel like I'm waiting for something? I'm just not sure what it is, and that annoys me. I want a fucking job. With many hours. I'm bored. Don't get me wrong, I love hanging out with my friends and seeing my family and all that crap I have way too much time to do. But I hate sitting around doing nothing, being way too poor for my own good, and having nothing else to do then make a list of all my dvd's, sorted in genres, actors and titles.

On the other hand, I have time to work on my singing? I have been uninspired for quite a while, now. But I'm getting back into it, as I always do. Once again, I'm drawn in by Kate Voegele, and her amazing control of her own voice. I so want to learn it. So much.

And then I've been considering talking to my mom about some stuff. About the whole.. growing up thing. (I'd totally Peter Pan it if it was possible, 19 has been a good age!) Mostly about some differences I've been noticing about my own reactions and confused shit like that. I'm just curious, if it's all the teenage hormones settling down, or something fundamental in me as a person. Yeah, I want to have a mother-daughter-advice conversation. It's so cliché I can't believe it.

And then I'm back to the coiling spring of impatience. Ugh. I can barely sit still for a movie. Hercules. I love Disney.

My mind is nagging me.

Just when I think I can't get more tired, I do. Been hanging out with A the last couple of days. Despite the disappointment he had to face, which I hope he'll grow into liking, at some point, I have to say it's been an eventful time. I've met a lot of people, most of them absolutely hilarious, in the most fascinating ways, I've attended my first outdoor movie ever (which was one cold pleasure, we really need to be better dressed next time!), learned new things about people, been on the most horrifying bikeride of my life, finally got to watch the Harry Potter movie, and just.. yeah.

I've been home very briefly, very few times, this week. To feed the cat and change clothes, mainly. I have to say those two guys The Bat and I met at Wallstreet tonight were entertaining. Lame, but entertaining. Entertaining because of the lameness. And how obvious they were. BUT I WON WITH ONE OF THEM IN FOOZEBALL! .... I've never won that game before, I usually just knock over whomever I team with.

I could write a loooong blog about all that. But it's not really what's been on my mind most of today. I have always been one to follow my instincts, and when I woke up today, I did so with a firm, hard knot in my stomach. A nagging feeling something was wrong somewhere, with someone. That feeling has rarely failed me, it usually turns out to be true. I can never tell who or what, but it's usually people I'm close to.

It feels sort of like walking into a brick wall. BAM. Then it's just there. And it becomes so strong, my mind convinces me it's a physical pain, and it lodges in my stomach and ribcase. Ugh.. What is it. It makes me miss the friend it used to be about. I really do miss him, trying to be cool about it and not show it too much. But it defintely ungrounded me a bit.

*sigh* Well, I'll be working some of tomorrow and sunday. It was really busy tonight too. Lot's of young people, good tips. Which was painfully needed. Next week will probably be filled with plans before I know it. Hoping to fit in that haircut I'm dying for. Will probably find myself face to face with a serious talk, too, but I was expecting that. The question of definition in all its frightening glory, or something.

I'm going to grab the cat and hit my pillows. I could use a Harry Potter object right now, a Dreamless Sleep Potion. My mind is working overload right now.

Silly little girl over and out.