All these fucking social things..

Hi Peepers.

I know, I know. "You rarely write anymore!" I know! I'm just busy. I'm juggling school, a very active social life (I see people like 4 times a week!), continuous insomnia, roleplay (loads of it!), housework (doing some projects around the house and being better at keeping things tidy), and being overburdened with.. Well. I don't know what to even call it. Social issues.

There's been two events that have been major for me. They all have had so many aspects, that it seems like more than two, but essentially it can be boiled down to that.

One is a streak of miscommunication with M. We're working on it, though. I guess it dawned on us that we can't rely on the other one always reading our mind, and we actually do need to communicate clearly sometimes, cause we ran head first into two events, one that hurt him and one that hurt me, from pure lack of acknowledging that we needed to talk about them. One was an assumption. I found a boundary I wasn't aware I had, by him crossing it, and it gave me an anxiety attack when my alarm signals didn't make him back off. I hadn't been able to communicate them clearly, and he hadn't read them as I intended them, and I've completely forgiven him. I know he would never in a million years knowingly cross my boundaries or hurt me. And he was almost in tears, shaking and heart pounding, fearing I'd never talk to him again. So I calmed him down, and calmed me down, and the next day, we talked it out, apologized, made a plan for the future, and solidly fixed it. Which was very comforting and nice. It makes both of us trust ourselves and our ability to maintain our friendship, more.

The other, which hurt him, was a misconception, and my defensiveness, which I hadn't realized had spread to him. I play this character, Sach, at our pirate thing. And Sach is not the most liked guy, cause he has a temper, and tends to make a decision and just run with it. I can't really boil it down to a short version, so here's the longer one.

Sach was the guy who was happy and uncomplicated, who was a regular sailor on board, who had sex with any willing woman, and a few men, and never let himself feel. His background is tragic. Lost the girl he wanted to marry to a richer suitor, against her will, but had one night with her before the wedding. New husband takes her far way when he realizes (she was pregnant, but that's not official knowledge, and Sach doesn't know, now, 18 years later), and Annabel dies in childbirth less than a year later.

Sach is of course drowning his sorrows in rum and women, never ever wanting to get attached again. He rejects any talk about feelings or futures together, even with the people close to him, his friends. He just can't.

Then Natalia, a Spanish woman, is found drifting at sea. And in a matter of days, the two fall irrevocably in love. And everyone are against the union, because Sach, confused as he is, handles it horribly. He's suddenly jealous for the first time in his life, and he has no idea how to handle that emotion, so he turns possessive around her. She doesn't mind. That's the only level of dedication she's willing to accept from a man, if he really wants her. In all ways, shapes and forms, the two are actually perfect for each other. But their good sides are the ones they keep private. The love, the compassion, the way they grow together, happens all behind closed doors, and the rest of the crew only sees all the ugly.

Now.. That whole thing has inspired a few key players to think Sach a horrible guy. Which, combined with me having to employ him as an admin tool for hard decisions, makes no one see when he does good, anymore. So I have to now play this.. Charm offensive. Which is so softcore that I want to puke, but I have to show his best side for a while. And it's not like he doesn't have the motivation, cause he was just given it, big time. He also just married Nat.

Anyway. Because I've been so tired of only defending Sach for like.. Two months now, I don't talk about him, unmotivated. I don't take initiative. And because I haven't, M has felt very excluded. Cause we usually discuss character development in detail. For hours. And help each other and make suggestions. And it makes us better, we're such a good team. But because I've felt so defensive, I've efficiently cut him off from my process, without even noticing. So today, we spent 3 hours just talking about it, and he finally understood the character. Which was key to the conversation. M had gotten to a point of not getting it, that made him not really want to play with Sach, and that statement made me so freaking sad I can't even.

The amazing thing about M, is that we can discuss any problem, and we find a solution. That the mere act of taking it up and listening to each other, is healing. Because we don't play the blame game. We explain, and we listen, and we make an effort to reach eachother. I feel like this is how it should feel to discuss things in any healthy relationship. It's how I want to do it, always.

Now.. The second event is about my new friend, B. She is amazing, and we click so well it's kinda scary. We're more alike than anyone else I know, and we have this joke that we're really clones. Which isn't true, we have our differences, but we have a startling amount of things in common, and we communicate much in a similar way. Very direct. She openly idolizes me a little, and I adore her, and laugh it off.

Anyway. I have a friend I've known a longer time, who met B at the same time as me. B and I clicked even before we met, and from the second she entered my apartment, we just grew attached. My older friend seems to feel a little left out, but the way she's expressing it is really difficult to deal with. And I don't know what to even say, anymore. I feel like the older friend wants her connection with us both to equal mine and B's, and somehow make the three of us a unit. Like I can't have a separate friendship with B, that doesn't include her. And that's really hard for me to tolerate. I want to be friends with whomever I want, however I want. And I don't want to apologize for it. I don't make deep connections with people very often, and B and I got deep with a snap of the fingers.

It's like the older friend is being really passive aggressive, and taking feelings that she should be the one working on, out on us. For being who we are, and being it in the same room, or in the same forum. And it makes me so fucking angry. Especially cause she then takes a victim role. The fact that we agree, B and I, doesn't make her a victim. I get why it feels that way, because she's unsure of herself, but there's only that much we can do.

And yes, we both get annoyed with her. The more she feels left out, the harder she pushes to redirect focus to her, and it feels fake and attention seeking. Something I, at least, find irritating, when one can just ask to change the subject so they can join in.

I dunno, maybe I'm just tired of arguing. Mostly cause there's never just an "Okay" with her. It's always "Okay, but..." and even the acknowledgment of other people's issues with her, has to be followed up by excuses (not explanations) in stead of acceptance. And when she says she understands, she ventures into an excuse that shows she doesn't, by the pure fact that she starts one. It's aggravating, and it's making me not want to listen.

And of course, that loops it all up nice and neat. Cause me drawing away makes her push harder, talk more, listen less. Or to just do a hands off approach, which makes me not want to do anything at all about it, cause it pisses me off.

And the whole thing is just draining, so now I'm ignoring it till it goes away. I've tried to listen, I've tried to explain, but the one with a problem asks for a solution but have nothing to offer other than "Don't be who you are, together". And that's not really an option.

The first disagreement (not fight) and something about my emotional filing system

I feel like I'm totally neglecting my blog these days. Happy new years!

I guess I'm kinda busy doing things. I've been spending a lot of time running TCD lately, and been doing a lot of planning and paper work and structural designs.

I've also made a new friend, who I met through there, and been doing some flirting with an acquaintance from a different roleplay thing.

Honestly, this blog is generally going to be about guys, friends, moral dilemmas, discomfort, and how I perceive friendship and attraction. And it might be really long. It's definitely going to be very honest, yet as usually, discreet.

So let's start with the moral dilemmas and discomfort. At TCD we are four admins. We run a democracy, though as founders, mine and M's opinions are final. However, the whole reason we wanted to be more than just us, came into play. "What if we someday disagree on an issue?"

A player decided to leave, because of the presence of another person, who was let in to observe. The two have a history, apparently. No one was aware. The player is then deceitful, manipulative and very dramatic about the observers presence, and has been making suggestions the admin group should do something, though not wanting to disclose what the problem is or who it was about (I guessed this part, but it wasn't confirmed till the leaving-incidence).

The player has made some very grave accusations towards the observer. Not by openly contacting the admins about it, but by going to one admin and disclosing it in a "one player to another" type communication, then, depending on what they were saying, either wished brought up or held from, in this case, me specifically. I expect this is because I am friends with the observer on FB.

Now, M thinks the player is important to us, while I have come to have doubts recently (unrelated to the issue). My concerns are based on character creation, playing style, dependability and inclusion, and the player's lack of ability to satisfactorily fulfill what I think to be a minimum of standards on those areas. They have been active and consistent and enthusiastic, yes, but I'd rather have good players than many players.

Of course, the observer has a different take on the conflict than the player. And as such, I don't really care who is truthful. As a human, I care that both of them have been hurt somehow, and I'm sure both stories are true to some extent, from their point of view. But as an admin of a roleplaying group, that is none of my business.

The player has made it clear that unless the observer is made to leave, then the player will leave. Based upon the accusations the player has made, and the fact that the observer's presence makes the player feel unsafe.

I really, really do not think this is something the admins should get into. I don't want to be the judge of any conflict that is entirely outside of my forum. This is a past personal thing that happened between two people, unrelated to the group I co-created and am now running. It has no place in TCD. And by siding with any of them, to let them stay and making the other go, I feel like I am siding with their part of the conflict.

The admins discussed. M, the amazing, wonderful person that he is, deems it better to take the supposed victims side, chancing that it's better to back them up and make them feel worthwhile and appreciated, and maybe only denting the observer's feelings, than keeping the observer, who has btw kept from participating partly in respect of the player, and letting the player go, which was her initial choice.

I do not want to take sides. I suggested that the only truly fair way of doing things would be by treating them the same. Let both stay and have them figure out what they want, respectively, or ask both to go and just not be part of the drama.

One admin decided they didn't want to be part of voting at all. They were too uncomfortable with it to participate, and we all respected that. And the one left sided with M. So I'm bowing to our democracy, with a sour taste in my mouth.

I'd like to point out that this does not influence my friendship with any of the admins. This was a professional vote. And I'm mentally separating it from my personal life with anyone involved.

But I went offline, after telling them I need someone else to take my spot as lead admin of discussing of the aforementioned issues in playing, with this player. This is a player who have specifically asked to have things held from me, in a conflict. Who have continued to pursue having someone else kicked out, after initially being told that we don't do that for personal reasons. Who have contacted only part of the administration to plead their case. Who haven't been open or honest about their issue, but who have been underhanded and manipulative about it.

I am forced to back up the decision, but I will not be the one to tell the observer that they have to leave. I told M he's taking that one himself. It probably won't be a huge deal, but I can't do it convincingly and pretend I'm okay with it. I had to leave fir the night, because what I felt was being forced into a position of being a vigilante.

It is not my job to enforce social repercussions to a person who is accused but not proved guilty. I am not saying whether they did or didn't do it, because that is not my place. I will not be a judge. I will not be a vigilante.

I thought of the movie Jagten. I will not be the supermarket who denies a man buying groceries. I will not throw things at anyone lying down. If a crime was committed, let the police decide who is guilty. If a heart was broken, let time mend it. If a mind was breached, build it up and let it heal. But don't throw tinned tomatoes at anyone in my supermarket. It's not our job.

So that was long, but I needed to get it out. I'll talk to M about it, too. The decision has been made, but I need him to know how I feel. And I know he'll appreciate me saying this, and not holding it in. It's how we work. I know that he wanted the only thing he could morally defend. Siding with the potential victim. And I admire and respect him so greatly for holding onto that, despite me not agreeing with him. Because I believe potentially criminalizing someone is creating a victim as well, and who are we to decide? M is my best human. Not just friend, just the best, most humane person I have ever known. I trust him explicitly. And like he said about this, we're close enough that disagreeing morally won't hurt us. I am kinda hurting, though. And I'll be okay with that, as long as he will listen to me and try to understand. And I know he will.

With that, I will change the subject. But we'll stay on M for a bit more. I was recently asked about this whole friendship thing with him. He visited me right before Christmas, and a friend of mine asked if his girlfriend would be with him, to which I answered no, cause she had other plans.
And I met the face of "Oh, scandal! Indiscretion!". And, once again, I delved into the tale of being platonic with someone, and how it's not an urban myth. And the conversation that followed was just.. Weird. It went something like.
"So you're not at all attracted to him?"
"He's good looking, that doesn't mean I'm attracted."
"What if he was single? Would that make a difference."
"Why are we even having this conversation?"
"I just don't understand what's going on."
"... I have a friend, that's what's going on. Jesus."
"Seriously, what if he was single. Would it change things?"
"No. I'd have to refile him into a different folder, and that would be a huge mess, and he means too much, and I don't even want to consider it, so I'll never know, you'll never know, now stop asking stupid questions and kindly accept that I can have male friends without wanting to fuck them, okay?"
"..... What do you mean, 'refile him into another folder'?"

It never occurred to me, before. (M is not important to the rest of this, it was just my exasperation at someone yet again suggesting this, that made me snap and thereby have a mini-epiphany about my way of navigating attraction.)

That is exactly what I do. I have a filing system, in my head. I'm not too sure about all the categories yet, but I identified "friends", "close platonic", "acquaintance", "physically but not otherwise attractive", "mentally but not physically attractive", "ew", "datable", "family", "danger", "I choose you" and "strip now!".

I rarely ever refile anyone, once they're in a file. You could say I have a very complex friendzoning system. Though it's more of a relationship (not necessarily the dating kind) matrix. For an example, if I'm not attracted within the first 10-15 minutes of meeting someone, they'll probably always be in one of the not-datable categories. A breakup is one of the things that'll cause a refiling. Or a break of trust. I guess a bat to the face could probably take someone out of the physically attractive category, if it went bad enough. But someone like M is in the close platonic folder. And it would take conscious effort for me to pull his file out and put it elsewhere. And I have absolutely no reason to do that.

So this made me think about the whole.. Me controlling whether I allow myself to have feelings for someone thing. That is tied into only allowing certain feelings in certain folders. I have to actively put someone in the folder of "datable" or, if that works, "I choose you". Then I can feel shit.

How fucked up is that? No wonder I rarely fall in love. I don't allow myself to.

I have a lot of reflecting to do on that. And it's almost 8 am Peepers. Good morning to you, good night to me.