Male masturbation and anal expectations

So. I can't sleep. I've been trying for two hours, and it's not really happening. But phonetyping makes me sleepy, so I'm giving it a shot.

Warning, this is a kind of explicit blog, so get the F out if you're a dainty flower.

Before I went to bed, this evening's conversation had taken the usual "dark side of the interwebs" turn, which is tradition when one of us passes 2am. Yes, M and I were discussing the horrors of modern sex toys. Kinda sprung from a convo about this children's toy, which both his girlfriend and I remember from middle school, but no one remembers the name of (the endless and persistent googling paid off, it can be found by searching for "water snake wigglies"!). Anyhow, I now finally have a picture of one to show him, and even a YouTube vid of how it moves! Yay! If you want to be grossed out, search YouTube for "Splorch".

But! One thing led to another, in my obsessive googling session. I started looking at male masturbation toys, cause, well, it occurred to me I have very little knowledge on the market for males, with that stuff, and then to sexual preferences, and from there to sexual fantasies, and finally I landed on disappointment with experiences. All from the male perspective.

Now, most of these seemed to be the disappointment on anal not working out, and how much that sucks when you've been wanting to try it, and for a list of reasons it fails. And I have things to say. Guys.. Jesus Christ. I forgive it, cause honestly, from these discussions, it's obviously lack of preparation that is the issue, but I'd like to give a few pointers and comments on the general topic. Cause your knowledge was not impressive either. Or your manners and attitude.

First of all, stop blaming the girl for it if it doesn't work. I'm sorry, bit it's just not for everyone. If you really want to argue this point with your girl, I suggest you let her shove something up your behind, before asking her to let you do the same. Just to get on the same page.

Some women are just too sensitive, too tight (that's generally only a plus for you), too tense or just not fucking into it. Don't complain. If it hurts, you need to respect that and back off.

That brings us to my second point. Doing it right. Anal is not a spur of the moment thing. Unless you have an experienced partner who knows how to make it easier for both of you, and who knows her body well enough to make it relax when it's actively fighting the intrusion. Cause make no mistake, gentlemen: That entrance was only designed to be an exit, and it will fight you tooth and nail to keep it that way. Keep that in mind, when you're all about the back door and your lady is hesitant. She is fighting nature to do that for you, mkay?

So the secrets here are as I said. Preparation. Most girls will have two concerns before you're even naked, so see to these first: Pain and cleanliness. Everyone involved will be happier if she gets to do some personal hygiene before that whole thing takes place. Seriously. Noone can relax while worrying if stuff will get all over the sheets. A hot shower or bath is also relaxing and might just help her loosen up a bit beforehand. Major plus.
I'm not gonna get into the details of how, here, I'm sure that's fairly obvious to all. If not, here's a fine opportunity to ask Siri something fun. Or Google it. You'll find there's even devices designed for it, if you want to get fancy.

Anyhow. Pain! It's a thing. And 9/10 women I've heard dislike anal, was because it hurt too much. In some cases, and note the "some" is not an "all" or "most", the pain is due to the fact that guys have this idea that they can just shove it up there. Other guys think that "Oh, but I used lube." and first of all, good for you! Really awesome move! But it still doesn't mean you can just poke your way in there. The muscle you're pushing past is fucking strong and very tight. Even more so if the girl is nervous and tense. So be prepared to do some digital stimulation, or go find something else to fuck. I'm not even kidding. Google the water snake, it's a good option.

Lube is also a necessity. Do. Not. Cut. Corners. It's not a porn movie where your leading lady can magically accommodate 3 huge dicks (pardon my french), and if you think that stuff is real, you need to ask someone to hit you over the head with a heavy object.

This brings me to my third point. Position. In the movies, you guys always see anal portrayed in doggystyle. Kneeling on a bed, bent over a desk, tied to some weird bdsm bench that no one even knows what's called. Stop. Just stop. The most uncomfortable position to do anal in as a beginner, is in any bent over position. It's awesome for you! You get to go all deep and see what you're doing and all that stuff you like. But it's a position that demands straining muscles from your girl. And that means tensing. Tensing means pain. So please stop being so focused on what the movies show you, in that department. Letting her lie on her stomach or doing a spooning position will make it easier to relax for her. In the spooning position she'll even have more control, which can help if she's really nervous.

A tip for the ladies? Take the lead with the initial penetration. Make him stay still and do small rocking motions, so you get used to the sensation. And guys, do not fucking surge in, okay? The head of your thingamabob is a lot more squishy than the base, and the base tends to be thicker than the middle of your shaft, so the head is tricky, but the base is challenge to be reckoned with. Let her help. Let her be the judge of how deep she's ready to go. Let her do what feels good to her. Cause let's face it, she's the one having a hard time here. Even experienced ladies can have a bad day with this.

But! Even with all the preparation and technique and tricks in the book, you need to understand that it's just not a possibility for everyone. More importantly, you need to respect it. And you need to stop complaining about it as if you're being denied a basic human right. It's any person's right to say no to something they don't like or are not comfortable with. I'm not saying you're not allowed to say "Aw, too bad, I really wanted to try that." I'm saying that when things like "She's so uptight about it." and "She keeps making excuses, like it hurts too much." come out of your mouth, I kinda wanna shove an Orca (the sex toy, Google it if you're unfamiliar) up your ass, to the hilt, just to see if it'll work as a dental guard when I slap you afterwards. And I'm not the only one.

So that would conclude my guide and threats, Peepers. I'm finally tired. Stop being entitled assholes. No pun intended.

Polyamorosity and men who are jerks

I have started believing I have a beacon on me. This shiny light that points to me. Flashing brightly. What it says?

"POLY'S THIS WAY!"

Seriously, what is that about? I keep being hit on by guys in open relationships. Do I have a magnet somewhere? I've been flirting with a guy for a while, and really, it's only been for fun and kinda jokingly. He's cute and all, but I barely know him and I didn't instantspark with him. (And I only ever fall in love with people I instantspark with, so in all cases, it would never be a thing thing.)

Anyway. Last weekend, he writes me to ask if we should meet. And I'm instantly like.. Nope. And he was very sad about that, and thought he had to explain to me he's in an open marriage, but I told him I know. It only changes things on his end, though, not mine. And I explained to him that I respect and even admire his lifestyle, but it's not for me, and I don't wish to be involved with someone in an open relationship, cause it's too complicated.

One thing is the wife who's the primary partner, another thing is the kids, and a third is the lack of balance in a relationship like that. It's just not for me. I don't have the capacity to care that deeply for more than one person. That one person becomes my closest and most trusted relationship. And if that is not reciprocated, if I'm not that to my partner as well, I don't function. It's not about attention, though I do demand my partners full attention romantically, it's about both people wanting the same thing, and the expectations to eachother being similar enough that the relationship is balanced. That has taken me years to learn and to truly understand that I need.

And it makes sorting through the candidates so much easier. I'm not interested in a partner right now anyway, but it's really a criteria that's important when that changes.

Another thing, related though. Cause it really drove the complication point home.

I did have a friend sleep over recently. A friend I am very much physically attracted to. And he told me his relationship allows for fooling around with others. Now, I'm only human. And while I resisted temptation for a good long while, his sneaky snuggling and apparent reaction to me ended up paying off. I didn't sleep with him. And everything pleasurable was to his benefit, cause I did not want to give myself. Pretty fucking impressive self control, considering it's been since New Years.

However. We slept, we got up early and ate breakfast, and I sent him off to the thing that had him needing a place to crash. Everything is good! The next week, I'm supposed to have brunch with his girlfriend. He calls me when he learns this, to make sure I'm not about to tell her.

... Um. Okay, several things. One: I don't usually discuss my sexlife with people unless they are, are about to be, or at least have a chance of becoming, part of it. I just don't have a need for everyone to know who and where and how hard, okay? Two: Why the fuck would I talk to your girlfriend about it, that would be awkward as hell. Three: Why is this a secret? If you guys have an open thing going on, it isn't a problem. Right?

Well. It was more like they had discussed it, but now that he brought it up again, she had kinda been opposed to it..

..... What? No, I mean, WHAT?! What the fuck, dude?!

A very.. I held back so hard, so the word tight comes to mind.. Conversation followed. I "asked" (demanded) that he told her. I do not want to be some dirty little secret of his. Of anyones. I did the "other woman" thing once. And no matter how drunk or distraught I was, and no matter how drunk and I-don't-even-know the guy was, what we did was not okay. On one hand, I'm glad we got it out of our systems, but on the other, and let's just call it the primary hand, I regret what happened so hard, because I KNOW how much it hurt to be his girlfriend when she was told. I don't want to repeat that. But apparently, unknowingly, I did.

So a number of things have come out of this incident. First, he was told to tell her. And he did. So that's good. She forgave him and has no problem with me over it, so awesome. Second, I am never letting him even hold my hand again. I don't do liars and cheaters. Next time he needs a place to crash, he can cross me off the fucking list. Third, I give up! You can't even trust your friends not to screw you over anymore? Pun not intended.

Ugh!

Stop being asses, Peepers.

This weird little thing..

Okay, so recently I came across this concept called It Works. It's a line of skin products, that does a ton of stuff. I decided to try it out, seeing how many positive results I found. I'm testing out an herbal wrap. It tightens up the skin, shapes the body and releases stored crap from your cells or something. You put on the wrap at the area you want to affect, rub it a bit, wrap it up so it won't move around, sit back and relax. You have to drink a lot during, water only. And in the following days you need to drink 2-3 liters a day. Still only water. I guess it's a cleansing process.

All I can say is it works. So the name is fitting. I've lost inches around my midsection, and it's active still. I did my upper arms tonight, and I can see the difference already. I'm constantly thirsty, though, and I think the cleansing process makes you release toxins through the water, so I have to pee all the time, and I just want to have a straw in my mouth constantly. But it's working.

I have two wraps left for this month. I'm going to do another one on my stomach, and split one to do my neck and the right arm again. I didn't wrap that one properly, I think, the effect wasn't as big there as the left. It's kind of expensive, but who gives a fuck if it takes an inch off you each time, and tightens up the skin, too?! They also have a cleansing cream and a stretchmark cream. I'm so going to try out everything! I can live with smelling like eucalyptus for this effect.

Smooooooth operator.

Oh Merlin. You know, sometimes, I'm just the thickest fucking fuck. Why is it, Peepers, that I cannot see when guys are flirting with me?! It's not like I never can. But there are really moments where I'm about as smooth as the Grand Canyon.

Seriously. I'm the girl who goes "Oh, you're actually doing it. Okay.." when a guy is about to kiss me. I'm the girl who's like "I really admire the style of the offer, but I'm gonna have to say no. Is that okay?".... /Is that okay?/ Yeah. I know.

And tonight, I was the girl who got a compliment and went "If you keep it up, I'm gonna have to assume you're flirting with me." Yes, ladybugs and gentlestuds, I called a guy out on his attempt at flirting. His attempt at beating me over the head with a fucking stick to make me notice. And I go ahead, smooth as fuck, and basically throw a neonsign on him, point and giggle and go "Oh THAT'S what you're doing?!"

For Circe's sake. It's fine, cause I'm not interested in him, so it's not like I blew something important. I'm just incredibly impressed with my own lack of skills, here. Call out a boy on his feelers. He was testing the waters, it was so obvious on hindsight. And I think he has had an interest for a while. But because I'm about as elegant as a blind infant giraffe, I decided to point spotlights at him the second it dawned on me.

I deserve a fucking prize.

Yeah. So that's that.

He kept flirting though.