I can be random at 5 am

She wrote me back. Our exchange has literally been:

Me: *hugs* Just because.

Her: ♥ 

Me: :)

And that is all that needs to be said. That, ladies and gentlemen, is girltalk in its purest form. I'm not even going to explain further.

In other news, prop and costumemaking is now entering the insanity stage. I'd love to do the last minute papers, but I absolutely do not have the time. Maybe in Lesna. Or if I magically finish stuff early. I'm just trying to keep up with everything. And It still need to go buy a jacket and the crystal ball for my hubby. That'd be M. We negotiated the marriage contract, so he might as well be my hubby. He also wrote me a four page letter from a war scenario he attended over the weekend, cause I told him, in jest,to write home. Freja was so happy to have Mikkel home in one piece.

Seriously, we're ridiculously attached. He even took the time, when we were talking about the marriage thing, to pick out a ring!

It had to be something girly, for Miss Amstel. He promised me white diamonds for the wedding band. But I can't complain about this one, it's bloody gorgeous.

Silly us.

I've been staying up late to listen to music with P. He has insanely good taste. I've added a lot of delicious stuff to my playlist. I can imagine spending time at his place must be like a cocoon of velvety goodness for your ears. We talked art, the other day. We are very different in taste, but so similar in how we perceive. I could be cultural with this person. I can't imagine being bored, sitting next to him for an hour, staring at the same picture, experiencing it fully, just cause it attracts us. Paintings have sounds, emotions, tastes and memories. Stories. And if we can dream with music, together, we can dream with art.

He brings out my inner poetic artist. I love it. I'm enjoying him.

I had a talk with a newer friend, recently. It made me happy, cause he said something I haven't heard anyone say in a long time. He said he usually doesn't open up to people, but he was openly talking to me about some very private things, and he couldn't quite figure out why I made him so comfortable. "You're just one of those people, aren't you?" (What people?) "The ones you can't help but like a little too much. Cause you're so calm and accepting it's impossible to not feel at ease with you."

I said I didn't know. That for a long time, I certainly haven't been. But maybe I'm getting there.

It's late, and I have to get up in less than 6 hours. Be nice to each other, peepers.

Ablaze

Apparently there's something I've missed, in my ten ten-or-so years of reading fanfiction. Shipping is a word. It's digging a certain pairing. A Swedish friend told me that, and also got me up to date on using OTP as an expression. One true pairing.

So I can now go "I'm so shipping Wintersky, they're like my OTP!"

Yup. That's a thing. I dunno if I root for them, though. Or rather, I do, but I also root for Renlar. Or Skydor... I don't know which one is better. Skydor sounds like the entrance to heaven, though.

I'm taking a sewing break. 8 days! Fuck! 8 days you guys! So fecking excited! Yeah, feck is also a thing

Last night,  I did something I'm not sure was good or bad, but I felt it was needed. I needed to do it, and I hope it was well received and taken for the good intention it was. I don't know. I reached out to someone I don't really have any kind of relationship with, and with a bare minimum of words tried to express my understanding and sympathy for this person. They haven't responded, and I don't expect them to. It wasn't that kind of message. It's kinda like.. My way of smiling to the lady behind the register who looks sad. Not pity, just.. An acknowledgement.

So that is that. I also finished (with some help from a few creative minds and linguistic experts) our house song! Sendivogius now has a firethemed.. Text. I've sent it off to the musician, who is working on it over the weekend. I hope it just.. Feels right. He loved it, so that's a plus.

I have an insane craving for noodles and chicken wings XD like.. I can't believe how much I want noodles and chicken wings today. I'm also craving company, bit I have an ass ton of sewing to do, so no leaving. It's probably just cause M is away, playing soldier. We spent a whole day negotiating the marriage contract between our characters XD We finally agreed on everything. It's really silly. But we make each other laugh, and that is awesome. I feel like that one summer as a kid when my best friend went away for a week.. I miss him when he's gone. All my freaky brainery just piles up.

I exchanged dirty stories with P XD I write a piece for CoWdirt, and it just.. Took its own life and got too intense, no.. Not intense. Intimate! To publish. But he really wanted to read it, so he got to. And he wrote me one back. He absolutely loves my writing. And I've always been very private about my writings, so that meant a lot to me. Even if it's basically porn.. It's just that I've shared my writing with very few people before, and I've had some really bad experiences with it, so this made me happy.

I don't remember being this much at peace for.. A very long time. It's the best kind of therapy. I have love, support, friendship, understanding, interest, acknowledgement, fun, care, trust and really strong bonds in my life right now. I'm rejuvenated, rebuilding, becoming me again. I feel free and confident and generous, like I actually have something worth giving again. And more importantly, like I'm worth receiving something in return. I feel like every day is summer. And I'm not even afraid it'll crash and burn. I'll be fine.

Kiss me like there's no tomorrow....

I am having a craving. A very odd craving to appear so suddenly, but not a very weird thing to crave.. I think.

Remember when you were a teenager or when you just met your boyfriend or husband or whatever (Or wife or.. You get the drift, I'm not listing all the options.) and you just wanted to make out with them? Before sex became relevant, or maybe just the heat of the foreplay at the early stages? I kinda crave that right now. Being 100% focused on losing yourself in someone elses kisses and caresses, till you feel feverish and dizzy and you either have to stop or just have them. Fevered need.

So I'm gonna talk about that for a bit. This is gonna be one of those blogs, so shove off if you can't handle it.

I'm in the mood for making out up against a wall, the guy pressed flush against me, hands exploring, caressing, grabbing, fingers digging into skin and clutching clothes.. Ragged breath, messed up hair, lips melting together, tongues exploring, nipping, biting, moaning and sighing.
The whole passionate shebang.

... This is not an invitation, by the way. I'm dreaming, not prowling.

Sadly, I don't have anyone on call who could swing by and satisfy that particular craving. Mostly because.. It's all about the butterflies, the heat, the attraction.. And I don't have that right now. I have a potential fling in mind, but it will most likely be very short-lived and I have to wait a while before I can even figure out if the chemistry is there, so it's irrelevant for now. I'll just have to live with feeling frustrated.

In my fictatious world, today has been all about scratch marks. I think that's what derailed me to think of these things.

... Shut up, it's been since new years, I'm allowed to feel a little needy by now.

I've had plenty opportunity, I know. But I want that overwhelming feeling of "If I don't, I'll probably die. Must have him right this instant!". Otherwise, I'm not interested. I don't want to be lukewarm, I want to burn.

Again, I should point out I'm not looking. Or inviting. This is merely me venting my sexual frustration. I think Skye is rubbing off on me. I won't settle for anything but all-consuming and burning desire.

And I'm willing to hold out for that.

Okay, it didn't help that I had a steamy dream last night, though that went beyond the kissing, and took place on a couch. But the theme was the same, and the style, too. There was the overwhelming feeling of being unable to touch enough skin at one time, to kiss deeply enough, to hear each other over the sound of your pulse hammering like drums in your ears..

I really should write a thank you letter and send chocolate to whoever wired my dream-center. It does wicked well on details and believability sometimes.

Okay. Enough about my libido. I should go to bed, I'm going plant shopping tomorrow... Woo.

Night peeps and peepers! Dream something sexy! Here's a bit of inspirational images.

Declarations of love

I am in love with my life these days. Yeah, so, my doctor fucked up so I can't get my license before Poland, big deal. I got Mia and me on the bus. It'll be fun!

I am so freaking excited for Lesna! 2 weeks! And Anders and I are talking about a trip to the zoo in Liberec, which means I'll visit two countries! It's on the other side of the Czech border. So excited! I think he hinted at it like three times before I got that he wanted me to ride with him XD

My only complaint is that Michael and Piotr aren't coming, cause I would have loved hanging out with them before the game. But! It's fine. I'll have Anders, Mia, Petra, Liselle, Rikke and a whole bunch of other awesome people to hang with, and we will have an amazing time!

I finally dragged my ass out on the town on a saturday night. Lars' band played, and Amanda and Bjørn were playing, same night and same place, so I thought.. Why the hell not? So I actually went to Rikke and Bjørns', played games, talked and had dinner, drank a bunch, and then I was the only one with enough energy to go out XD Oh well, it was fun, and we'll have our night out some other time! I went alone, got to High Voltage, and there was vampires and witchards all over! And I had fun! And HV isn't The Rock, but it wasn't as horrible as I'd been told. Toby actually drove down from the cold north just to hang for a bit outside. He had to pick up Chris back up north not too long after, but he needed to get out of the house and had just checked FB for where people were, and suddenly just showed up.

Today I watched Cinderella with Regitse, and we had a lot of fun with that. Awesome movie. I want the dresses! Oh, and speaking of dresses!

I have sold some dresses for CoW. And that is awesome! I've gone in creation mode. I can't stop making stuff. It's really rough on my hands, but I just have so much I want to create right now. I made a list for my CoW projects so I can keep track, and everything else will have to wait till those things are done. My notebook is taking up a lot of space on the list, but I can work on that in Lesna if I get in a pinch for time. It's so far along anyway.

I had a conversation with a friend at HV that was weird. I'm not sure what it was, but he had an odd reaction. He asked how I was generally doing, and I told him I was actually pretty great, I'm happy these days. And I asked him the same, and it took him a long time and a lot of weird faces before he could answer. Basically, he's in a bit of a rut. Bored. And he asked me about this incident back in.. January I think? A mutual friend and I were very flirty ingame, and I was insanely drunk, so I let it go a bit further than it should have, though not over the line in any way. And then we went offgame and I initiated more space between us, but he kept hitting on me. And I told him no. The friend from last night wanted to know if I had caved, the following week, as the guy had asked and suggested to me. I found it a weird inquiry, but simply said it felt like an all round bad idea, so I hadn't. Which he seemed positive about. Then I proceeded to say that I really wasn't interested in finding anyone serious right now anyway, or not so serious for that matter. He seemed less pleased with that.

I didn't really feel like calling him on it, but he has very casually invited me to sleep at his place before, so it wasn't exactly rocket science to figure out that he has an interest. It's just not mutual. In any case, I have no immediate plans to date any of my friends. The only prospect there was got himself a girlfriend. And really.. I'm not gonna go looking in the.. "mutual friends" part of town. I don't need to get complicated with my ex's friends. Not unless it's head-over-heals and must-have intense. And it isn't. With anyone.

However! I feel like sharing the I Love You of all times! It's ingame, but damn.. The guy who wrote it completely stomped me for words with it. I'm okay with a little bleed. Especially when I get things like this...

The Torment.

Sky.

I feel guilty.
Of wanting you.

Being possessive.
In my mind.

Being addicted.
To your presence.

With every kiss you breathe new life into me.
With every touch, I am reborn.

When we embrace, I forget myself
And I forget you
For we cease to exist and become one.

I fear this feeling, for I never wish it to end.
And it may.

I...

Love you.

......

I'm totally swooning... Seriously, how is it possible to fully shield your offgame self? XD I'm gonna suffer some actual heartbreak when the game is over, for sure. But that's okay. I aim to be hit right in the feels! And I have gained the most amazing people in this whole thing... Michael, Piotr, Petra, Anders.. They, and loads others, have made my life a better place. Lars, Thomas, Mads, Kaya, Magnus, Nikolaj, Mia, Bjørn and Christopher.. Seriously, I'm thankful for these people every single day.
For once I'm calling out a shitload of names. I usually don't in here. But I have an acute need to put it somewhere permanent how much all these people mean to me, and how absolutely necessary they are in this world. How appreciated they are, and how they've all played a part in rebuilding my faith in myself and humanity over the last 6 months or so.

Some of them will probably slip further away with time, some of them will be friends, and some are absolutely crucial parts of my life by now.

OMG! I forgot! Michael made me a walk down memory lane for Ren and Skye! He visited some castle, and it is now officially Laszlo Manor. So he had a series of pictures taken in the cellars, the library and a bedroom, to give me a visual memory of the time Ren snuck Skye into the house XD They went through the wine cellars, the library and into his room. It's exactly what we described, it's pretty scary but oh so insane! And he had those exact pictures taken /for me/. He's like the best metabro and friend ever! Not letting him slip out of my life, I cannot imagine that at all. He had me dancing and laughing loudly down the harbor tonight, listening to songs from Beauty and the Beast cause he drew a parallel between Ren and Gaston, and the more I listened to the songs, the more it made sense XD

My people are awesome. Just saying.

The healing power of friendship

I was having a conversation with a guy friend the other night. It was generally about personal growth. He's a bit (okay, 10 years) older than me, so it's only natural he's way ahead of me, when it comes to being aware of himself. It was, however, inspiring. His story feels familiar, though it's very different from mine. Especially when we talked about finding yourself after a long relationship. It was nice to hear some of my own thoughts reflected back, without having to say them.

And I felt at peace, for the first time in.. years. I love that I'm not tied down, that I feel free to be who I am, flaws and all, and deal with them without meeting disappointment or hurt. I am suddenly aware of when I step out of line, again. I've had trouble seeing that for ages. I have the energy to care, again, to connect and reconnect. And to recognize where I'd be spitting into an endless pit. I feel.. healthier. My head feels less fuzzy. I don't feel perfect, just.. better. And it's not the sun coming back out, clearing me of any winter depression, I've felt this for a while, I just haven't acknowledged it, cause I've been busy living my life! Lots of shit sucks in my life right now, don't get me wrong.. I just.. I'm okay with that. It'll work out. It always does, and I'll find a way.

I still have some guys showing interest in me, but it's finally dying down a bit. I no longer feel hunted. I like that. Never was happy about turning people down, but I've gotten a lot of practice, and at least I do it kindly by now. Right now, I'm not interested in that stuff anyway, I'm too busy enjoying my friends to have time for a guy, full time.

The only guy-related thing I wish for, is for my wonderful friends from Jutland to live freaking closer! I have come to realize how much I adore M ^.^ I absolutely love him, he cracks me up on a daily basis, and I don't know how I would've gotten through the last 4-5 months without him. He has been a constant support and distraction, a friend, an escape, a brother. I hope I'll have him in my life for a long time to come, cause sometimes I just want to, like.. squeeze him so tight he becomes a part of me. I think it's Iliza Schlezinger who says something similar about her dog.. "So cute I want to hurt her!" Except with M, it's a mix of cute, awesome, hilarious and witty! He's a gorgeous human being, and I get to enjoy him on an almost daily basis. Everyone should have one of him.

We've been spending hours making up this dog-game XD We take a character from CoW, right? And we find out what defines them, then take those traits and compare them with different dog breeds... Yes, I know. And it gets worse. For example, his character is a Husky, and mine is a Collie (He called me Lassie!). To find out if our characters make a good couple, of course we must look at what Husky/Collie puppies look like! Would we make adorable puppies? Yes! Awesomesauceyou'regonnabegreattogether!

.... I realize how idiotic a game it sounds like, but honestly, it's not only fun, it also makes you have to think about your character in a whole new way, and about its compatibility with others! We went as far as to discussing if this wouldn't be worth writing something about, to use for workshopping. Get to know your character and its relations! Find its inner dog! Sounds stupid, works wonders!

Of course, I also had to figure out Skye's other relationships, from this model. Winterbourne, the teacher she's having an affair with and sorta falling in love with, is a Dalmatian. Her girlfriend was first made to be a Chihuahua, but we finally agreed she wasn't even a dog... She's a mink. Which is fitting, cause two witches can't have babies anyway. I have to say the Collie/Dalmatian puppies are mostly cute in that.. I can't help but love this poor little guy-way. While the Husky/Collie puppies... Are so freaking adorable I want five. And when the get to their teens? Omg. M and I agreed we'd have to shovel suitors off our porch. So we'd better have two, so they can look out for each other. Hex anyone who gets too handsy, with their sibling. We're so fucked up, with some of the discussions we have XD

I don't mind being poor and pointless. Not when I have beautiful people like this in my life.