Ground Zero

I actually really like MoP. I find the pandas charming and cute. I think Kung Fu Panda won me over years ago, and I don't take the game too seriously in the first place, so I can appreciate the humour. I mean, really, cows, werewolves, pandas.. They're all furries, why should one be more believable than another? And they're bouncy.

The pet battling is a lot of fun. I’m quite enjoying it, I raised 3 pets to lvl 10. I got the Lucky Quilen Cub, my beloved Moonkin Hatchling, and Muckbreath. I’ve been spending so much time playing with the pets I’ve barely gotten anywhere with leveling Dimeeri. She’s just running around, yelling “I CHOOSE YOU!”. But that’s okay, I’m in no hurry. I was considering getting into raiding again, but it seems like most the people I liked at The Vanguard has left, even Arth. And let’s face it, I’m a social raider. Half the fun went out when Brorn went, he always cracked me up. And considering the DimDimTwins thing is pretty much as dead as can be… There’s not much to stick around for. It’s sad.

Anyways. I’ve gotten into Glee. Never thought I would, after those 2 minutes of weddingshop horror I caught on tv, back then. But watching the story behind that scene really makes it hilarious. I’m enjoying all the music, and I looooove Mr. Shuester. And now, by the mid-ending of season two, I’m aw-ing my ass off over Kurt. I love him, he’s adorable and amazing, and I want him to be real so I can be friends with him XD I didn’t know Neil Patrick Harris guest starred on the show, which was absolutely amazing. The man can sing, it’s insane. I really miss having someone to share my fascination with, though. Not just about Glee, it’s series season. I have Sons of Anarchy, Big Bang Theory, Criminal Minds, Castle and Merlin is starting up again, too. I haven’t watched Castle or Criminal Minds yet. It’ll probably be a little while till I do.

Last week really set me back, in many ways. It managed to momentarily set me back to wanting him there to comfort me. Which is entirely unacceptable. I don’t even care that I got so furious, and I don’t care if my former blog upset him, if he’s reading along. It’s the most openly honest I’ve been about it. I’m over sparing him. In the whole thinking process about whether he’s sorry or not, and what for, I can’t really help but wonder if he’d even have ever told me, had I not found out on my own. It doesn’t even make a difference, I’m sure now that whatever friendship we might have been able to build would have ended soon enough anyway, but really.

I don’t get it. I still don’t. How can you do that to your best friend, and still consider yourself a decent human being? For Christ’s sake… I’ve held your hand through anxiety. I’ve stayed up nights and nights with you, to comfort you when you were at your very darkest. I waited an entire year, just to call you mine. I’ve celebrated your wins with you. I’ve tried my best to encourage and help with your studies, even if all I could do was bake for your group and correct typos. I’ve loved your family like my own, I still do. I even opened my mind to the possibility of adding to it. I’ve held you when you’ve cried… And despite all that, despite us being so close it’s impossible to fully untwine us again, you couldn’t find it in yourself to tell me, that night when we decided it was over.

You may think you’re sorry you hurt me. But you’re not, are you? You’re sorry you got caught. You would’ve gladly lived on, happily being my friend, without me ever knowing. And had it been something insignificant, I wouldn’t give a damn. But come on… This was the biggest issue between us the entire time we’ve known each other. And you clung to your lies beyond the last moment.

Oh. And there’s one more thing. I don’t find that lifestyle wrong. I don’t consider anything being wrong with wanting that lifestyle, either. I consider it wrong to try to push it down your partner’s throat, and not respect that they don’t share the vision. I consider it wrong to live it behind their back. I consider it wrong to claim to want to be in a relationship with someone, but continuously make comments about at some point wanting to be intimate with others, knowing your partner is not interested in staying, in that case. I find that it makes the relationship idiotic to actually stay in, if one part already knows it’ll end when they find something more interesting. I find it hurtful, cause then that person has no faith in the relationship to begin with. So no, you ARE not wrong, you DID wrong. There’s a difference. And don’t think I don’t realize you were so eager to make me see, to make me understand, to make me accept and condone, cause you wanted to keep me. I know that. You wanted both. But I already told you you couldn’t, with me. I won’t settle. Not in the long run. I deserve full attention. I deserve the kind of life I want, too.

I really did love you.

How could you.

I actually considered it. I entertained the idea of trying to be friends. But I was wise enough to think it over. The truth is, you don't have the stamina or persistance to be my friend. Once again, I conclude you want it for selfish reasons. You didn't give a rats ass about how your cute little email would make me feel, cause if you did, you would never have sent it. "Sorry, don't read it!" as the title? How about not sending it in the first place, in stead of trying to take cover behind a "warning" like that, you fucking coward?!

You know what makes me really angry, what really tipped the scales? You're still trying to manipulate me. Trying to appeal to a part of me that you know has given you the benefit of the doubt before. You did this now, now that YOU'RE in pain. I've been in pain for close to three months, but you've been just fine till now, so why the fuck bother to try and soften the blow for me, when you had all the cunt in the world to keep you entertained? But now that poor little you start to feel the bad stuff, BAM: shatter my progress.

And you know what? I will never trust you not to manipulate me. How can I be friends with someone who I know is constantly manuevering me around for their own benefit? The entire past year of our relationship, when you were doing that "lying to yourself" business, did you even realize what you were doing to me? You took every fucking single insecurity YOU had about the relationship, and you pushed it onto me. You almost had me believing many of those things, when in fact you were the one being unable to express feeling them. So I have spent a year taking the hits on that account, when in fact I was the one who wanted to be there, who wanted to take the gamble. I was the one who loved honestly, and got broken down for my effort. All those things you wanted to change about me were bullshit, and I really fucking hope you realize that. You can't expect me to talk openly and knowingly about feeling something that, in fact, I don't. Something you've pushed onto me, cause you can't face it yourself.

When I said yes to giving it another chance last summer, I told you I didn't want a repeat performance. That if we did this, if you went into it, you did so to be with ME. Not with whatever other bitch you could scrounch up. I told you what I expected from a relationship, and you agreed. If you had shown any doubt that day, about wanting to be with me 100%, I would never have gone back to you. I even told you that I wouldn't do it if you'd rather be with others. I told you to tell me if you started having those inclinations. You never did. Not once, and I gave you plenty chances when you came home smelling like strange.

I can never, ever, forgive you for not owning up to it when you had the chance. Chances. They were many. For looking me in the eye, lying, and making me feel bad for even suspecting it. For letting you touch me after even suspecting it, and now, knowing how many times I've probably been exposed to who knows what disease. I'm disgusted by that thought.

Us being friends, now? I would laugh if I wasn't crying my eyes out. You know I would give my everything, like I have done from day one, for you. But you wouldn't for me. You would be there till it was inconvenient or till you felt stretched thin. I would, once again, be put second. When you were my number 1 at all times. And I can't bear the thought of that.

So yes. You are entirely right, that my hatred is a way for me to handle that I do in fact still love you, that I miss you like hell, and that my life has lost significant value from not having you around anymore. A way to remind myself that that hug from you I'm craving more than my next breath, might be the best thing in the world, but will definately come with costs my heart can't pay. You've never truly had room for me, in you, when it came down to it. And you just agreed to that, way too easily. I hope that means you've gotten to know yourself better, for your sake.

Whining.

I'm having a major health downer. I started the day by being sick. I woke up from it, and had to rush myself to the bathroom. I've tried to eat things to settle my stomach, but nothing seems to be working. Once again, I find myself considering whether this is due to simple reflux, which I've had for years, or if it's more than that. I just have too many thing wrong with me for it to be explained by one disease. And I hate how hypochondriac that makes me sound. Mostly cause I have a feeling other people think I am. But they don't live in my body every day, and they don't know how much of a struggle simple things like food or movement can be for me.

Hell. I can't drink water if it's too cold. I can't drink milk in the morning. Fried food gives me heartburn. I can't drink more than a glass of juice, cause it hurts too much. Now, rye bread is starting to cause nausea. Garlic and chili is a challenge, fizzy drinks are cut to a minimum, cause it agitates the reflux too much. I don't know what to eat, anymore -.- Or drink. I basically feel like padding the inside of my throat and stomach with cotton, and starving myself. Reboot the system.

Oh yeah, and the heart thing was moved to Friday morning. I still get heart cramps. Not every day, but at least twice a week. My left arm feels odd. From wrist to elbow, it feels like I have growing pains. Like.. Kinda as if I've over-exhausted it, but more the irritating kind of pain, than a hurting kind. The worst thing is how I can't breathe during the cramps. I have to gasp air in, and it hurts like hell. And then I get all shaky afterwards.

I'm deadly tired of feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. I want it fixed. Now, the sick-feeling is back. So excuse me.

The n'th degree of hell.

I have figured out a major downside to being used to this whole blogging business. I use it to vent. Which is just fine, really, most days. The problem is, when I kinda need to vent about something, that really just doesn't belong to the public eye. I have to write in codes, if I want to get this out, and that just doesn't suit me.

In the future, I need to hire someone to shadow me at all times, and make sure I don't do idiotic things. Because my head has been so filled with the thought of potential consequences, these last few days, that I don't know how I'm not walking into walls out of sheer preoccupation. Most people know me to be very careful with my decisions. I like preparations, planning, consideration.. I rarely do rash things. And the second I do, I choose to do the most idiotic thing I possibly could. Way to go, hypocrite.

It's not even what I did, but the circumstances under which I did it, that makes me spend the day banging my head against the nearest hard surface.

See, this makes absolutely no sense; this is why there's a downside to venting through blogs. I hate to censor.

Turkey

So. A bit about the trip. This is the bedroom. The blanket was scratchy, and we missed our bedding from home a lot, but it was nice to have a place to nap in the afternoon, and sleep at night.

 This is in the reception, when you looked up at the stairs and the floors. We were on the 2nd floor, right in the corner.

 This is the entrance to the hotel, by the pool.

 The beach in the afternoon, from the promenade.

 One of the fountains down town.

 Technically, we had ocean view from our balcony...

 But when you looked straight ahead.. This was the view.

 The best food ever! Well. The best restaurant ever, this was the pre-dinner snack.

 THIS is the best food ever. They call them Hunter Rolls. I have no idea what was in them, but god damn! Yum!

 A proper made lemonade. It was absolutely delicious.

 The main course was a chicken dish with mushrooms, and it was pretty good. Though, everything lacks salt in Turkey.

 AND I HAD BAKLAVA! With ice cream! The bat was not a fan, I didn't finish my warning of just how sweet they are, before she tasted.

 Complimentary turkish coffee on the house.

 Turkish Delight!!

 The beacj at night. You can see how far the city extends by the lights.

 Sailing! I think you can spot our restaurant if you look real close. But I just like the mountains.

 This... I will miss.

 It's just damn beautiful. I want to have that here.

 Oh, yes. Naturally, when we spotted that McDonalds in Turkey has breakfeast, we HAD to pay a visit. I went for these. They sucked XD The bat chose a Mega Mac, which is a Big Mac, but with extra meat and extra meat XD 4xpatty. She ate it O.o

 I LOVED this ship. It's so beautiful, I just wanted to take it home. This is also the only evening where the moon was visible!

 I expected to eat this all week. But I only found it at the restaurant we ate at on the last evening. And honestly? My own humus is better.

 However, I dared to try the seafood penne. And I usually don't like mussels. But oh my goodness. I'll be disappointed by pasta for all eternity.

 My nephew Patrick did this <3 p="p">

 So, we went to this restaurant/bar kinda place... And by the restrooms, they had this. And we all had a fit of giggles over how odd that was.

 This was the second hilarious part about the place. One of the waiters. Think Jafar from Aladdin. Seriously.

 We got to take some pictures from the top floor of our hotel, and this is the closest we get to showing what we were surrounded by all week.

 I mean, just look at them!

 And it just never ended...

 Tired and overheated, but all comfy in the pillows by the pool, waiting for the bus to the airport.

 And they did amazing cakes, down there. Well. They looked better than they tasted, honestly. But we had to get some!

 This was the best one. Chocolate yumness.

 Aaaaand we hit the town.

 All dressed up and ready to go. At, like.. 22.00...

 This day's lesson in elegance! (It was kind of a theme!)

 ... Um.. Yeah.. Balloon dance.. I cannot explain it.

 Another lesson in elegance.

 Eaten by balloons!

 I stivk my tongue at you, silly camera!

 This is life..

 Yeah... It was faster than I expected, and mine kinda excelerated reeaaal fast.

 Hello, my tongue is strawberried.

 I miss the pool. It was awesome. And in that heat, you can't top the feeling of finally cooling down.

 Look at me, I'm swimming!

 Waiting for foods.

 Another lesson in elegance! I'm just saying: When you're wet and slippery, and the damn thing you're trying to climb onto, is too... It's difficult!

 Walking down the promenade.

 My first palm tree!

 Tanning by the pool.

 This is from CPH Airport, when we were printing our boarding passes and baggage strips. And me proudly presenting said items to the camera, with a ridiculous look on my face XD

 The first dip of feet in the ocean!

Sunset on departure day.