So, I'm thinking it's time to do a status update or something. To see how far I've come on this whole selfdiscovery journey. The past year has been so turbulent I hardly know where to start.
I'm softer. That's the best damn word for it, though it doesn't even begin to cover the meaning behind. I don't tend to bite people's heads off as much. I develope more patience on a daily level. Even with children, though I still think most of them are annoying little bastards. I'm, if possible, more observant. I've spent so much silent time, observing people at a distance, for more then a decade. Now I'm learning to observe them up close. I'm fascinated by people, I have to say that.
There are still things I need to work on. I've gotten a long way with letting people in. Well, not too far, I still have my comfort zone, but I can only do so much on my own. Then there's the perfectionism and control issues. The perfectionism is definitely improving, things don't have to be flawless anymore. It still annoys me when someone sings the wrong words in a song, but I'm able to shut up about it now. The control is still there, and I've concluded I can't kick that. However, I'm allowing the capable to take it away from me, when the opportunity offers itself. It's very liberating, and I'm hoping, at some point, it'll help me to actually hand it over, as well.
Even my moral outlines, I've been able to blur just a bit. Striving for not-so-perfect. And it's everything I wanted it to be. I'm getting to the place I want to be at. And the femininity thing is working out better then I thought. I was originally going for a little more graceful, but somewhere along the road, dresses and high heels snuck into my closet, and my attitude changed along with it.
All in all, being selfreflective opens up a whole new world. A world where you don't have to be who people want you to be, and where you can be who you really are, as soon as you figure out who exactly that is.
I'm pretty confident I'm almost there.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Out Of The Ordinary..
I'm having a total freak episode right now. It's the oddest thing ever, and sort of scary and really wonderful at the same time. I imagine this is how it feels to be high, but I'll never find out.
My senses are hypersensitive. I can see these tiny little flecks of color all over, even if I'm looking at my white walls, or the white of the screen, or the grey of the carpet. Like there's little rainbows dancing over the whole room, but in so small scales that I can't really make out anything but the specks. Glimpses. Like a diamond catching sunlight.
And I can almost taste it, the color. Simple ice tea had me wondering if it had always tasted so golden. Warm and sparkly, yet still as fresh and fruity as it has always been. Like there's two layers.
And then there's this physical pull. Towards people I miss. A couple of people I've been thinking more of lately, and been missing, just as I've missed so many others before them. And suddenly, it's like a physical thing, like a magnet pulling me towards them, even seeing their names in writing or looking at something that reminds me of them. And I have to restrain myself from getting up and following it, stop myself from something that feels more natural then staying put.
And the sounds, still-standing air, like waves around me. As if it were moving on its own, just for my benefit, to make me crazy. So weird and complex.
A lot of things are that, complex. Like the way my mind is fooling me into thinking these hightened senses actually are there, when it's just a trick.
The burn of my blood, cooled by the air in my lungs, making me feel cold and feverish at the same time. Maybe I do have a fever, maybe that's what's causing this. Maybe my brain finally snapped.
So ridiculous, really. It's finally starting to look good for me, I'm being granted gifts in life I never expected, and then there's just this burning craving for more. Once it touches my path, I don't want to let go again.
Greedy little girl. Greedy. Greedy for what? More? Or something in particular? Something undefined?
My senses are hypersensitive. I can see these tiny little flecks of color all over, even if I'm looking at my white walls, or the white of the screen, or the grey of the carpet. Like there's little rainbows dancing over the whole room, but in so small scales that I can't really make out anything but the specks. Glimpses. Like a diamond catching sunlight.
And I can almost taste it, the color. Simple ice tea had me wondering if it had always tasted so golden. Warm and sparkly, yet still as fresh and fruity as it has always been. Like there's two layers.
And then there's this physical pull. Towards people I miss. A couple of people I've been thinking more of lately, and been missing, just as I've missed so many others before them. And suddenly, it's like a physical thing, like a magnet pulling me towards them, even seeing their names in writing or looking at something that reminds me of them. And I have to restrain myself from getting up and following it, stop myself from something that feels more natural then staying put.
And the sounds, still-standing air, like waves around me. As if it were moving on its own, just for my benefit, to make me crazy. So weird and complex.
A lot of things are that, complex. Like the way my mind is fooling me into thinking these hightened senses actually are there, when it's just a trick.
The burn of my blood, cooled by the air in my lungs, making me feel cold and feverish at the same time. Maybe I do have a fever, maybe that's what's causing this. Maybe my brain finally snapped.
So ridiculous, really. It's finally starting to look good for me, I'm being granted gifts in life I never expected, and then there's just this burning craving for more. Once it touches my path, I don't want to let go again.
Greedy little girl. Greedy. Greedy for what? More? Or something in particular? Something undefined?
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