Stress, family and communication..

Look at me all writing semi-regularly, Peepers. Go me.

I'm stressed. A lot of things going on, not enough time. It's shit, but it'll pass. My body isn't liking it, though, that's my only real complaint.

It's been a weird time. My sister made contact with my mom about three weeks ago. She wanted mom to ask me if I'd meet up with her if she "made the sacrifice and apologized". Apparently, this wording wad an attempt at breaking the ice with humor. Which is extremely misplaced, to begin with. And also makes me think she's not taking it serious. So my response was that sure, if she meant that she was sorry. If she doesn't mean it, I'm not interested.

Neither me or my mom have heard from her since. So that's..  Interesting. I don't know of she thinks that was the apology she needed to make. Or maybe she's waiting for me to initiate contact. She'll be waiting forever, if that's the case. Maybe she's still working on the actual apology. Who the hell knows. I think the saddest thing is that I have no positive expectations. I'm honestly not counting on her being able to deal with this maturely and with any kind of self reflection. That is, if she's ever initiating contact.

The M situation is a lot better. We talked about the fight and agreed we were both idiots. He admitted to being insensitive to the fact that it's an important topic to me, and maybe a little blind to the issues given his background, and I admitted being a little trigger-happy when it came to taking things personally that were meant generally.

We've actually been having a lot of talks lately. Some of them about trust and privacy. And, funny enough, I'm going to keep the details to myself, cause it would be such a breach of privacy to talk about them here. But what I can say is that we're making an effort to meet each other halfway, in some situations that needed that. I don't think either of us had realised the behaviour or need to adress it before recently, so I'm glad that happened and got talked through in a nice way. Once again, he makes me feel heard.

It may seem like I'm not feeling things the same way as before, when it comes to him, but.. There's a serious filter of self control. I still get excited every time he pops up. I'm disappointed when I really want to tell him something and he isn't around. When he's upset, I'm there 1000% for him, and I only have to ask, and he's there right back. The connection is there. It's being held on a short leash, but it's there. I miss him right now, cause he's been gone all day. I haven't had time to talk even if he'd been here, cause social thing, but I've missed him anyway.

I have so much more I want to talk about, Peepers, but I'm tired. And I have a hangout and a ton of homework tomorrow, so I gots to go. Sweet dreams.

Insomnia-induced rant

Blargh! Peepers! I've caught the insomnia bug again.

This past month has been crazy. I got this double-sided ear infection that is hands down the most painful thing I've ever had to live through. Holy crap. There are no words. I ended up in the ER and everything, cause I was in so much pain one evening. It's over now, all pain and infection gone, now I'm just waiting for my hearing to completely return to normal.

School is back in session! It's too early to really say what it'll be like, but so far, so good. I think History will be my preferred subject, based on liking the teacher's methods and being in class with a friend I work well with. So that's good.

I am insanely busy this month because I'm doing theory and driving lessons. In a few weeks I'll have a license and everything, but with homework, theory twice a week and adding driving lessons to the mix.. Argh, it'll be challenging. But it's just a few weeks.

Oh right, then of course I also had a wedding! The Bat got married! And I'm so insanely happy for her and her husband! I so called it. Now, we wait patiently for the babies. Muahahaha.

My computer died! Which fucking sucks cause BfA just launched. Of course, that means I'm undistracted from school and driving for now, but... My relaxation time, dammit! Also, E is gonna try and fix it for me this weekend. So that's nice. He and B got their new place, and it's super nice. I can take a bus straight there, which is super nice. And also, bus goes straight from school, too.

Things with M are.. Complicated. We're trying to find a pace. The other day we actually managed to fight for the first time ever. Which was so bizarre. He said something I'm really angry and hurt about, and frankly, I haven't talked to him since, cause I just want to yell at him for it. I'm really trying to understand his point of view, but at the same time, his argumentation is so critical of any other pov, that it's hard not to be a little offended. Especially on a topic I have such a solid stance on. Feminism is not negotiable to me. People don't have to agree. But judging me based on defining myself as a feminist, is really really hard for me to understand or accept. I think it actually chipped the paint for me. It broke something.

I have to write about the whole feminist thing at some point. I used to have a comparison of the word feminism with broccoli. I should go over that. Expect a rant on that soon. In the meantime, I'm gonna try the sleep thing again. My lids feel all dry, maybe it's a sign.

Night, Peepers. Be careful who you fall for, you could end up all into someone with equality related opinions. The horror.

Love, life, anxiety and the fucking heatwave..

Exactly two months of total radio silence. That's how far I made it before I contacted him. Whatever, spine like a worm (that's a Danish expression), I just needed to.. Well. One of many options really. To find some sort of closure, to talk to him, to know he was okay, to know if he'd be around, to let him know that no matter what, I am his friend. Our break has been the best I've had to endure, and the worst. The worst because I still feel no less convinced he is my soulmate, the one I'll end up with, the one I want, and have a very hard time letting go of that. I'm not letting go of it, honestly, but I am trying to find a decorative shelf for it, and put it there. The best because of the way he did it. Respectful, honestly, reflectivity and with all the kindness and care for me. He never broke my trust, he made sure to touch upon the areas he knew would be hard for me, and he didn't drag it out. He made sure the friendship could last. No hard feelings between us at all.

So when I wrote him, it was with a few questions. I needed to understand things I had theories on, but I wanted to make sure I got his reasons. I did. I was absolutely right in everything I expected. It made any anxiousness I might have held onto evaporate. I obviously also told him that I missed him, but I was careful not to be an emotional mess about it. He knew I was sad, I didn't have to tell him that. Just like I knew he was, too. I just wanted to tell him he is missed, I miss his company, his particular brand of funny, his calm and his mere presence. He missed me too.

Long story short, we talked about the finer details of quite a few things, and about how fast everything happened. And we decided to just take a step back, breathe, and be friends for a while. And just see where it goes. And if it goes to just friends and nothing more.. So be it. Then he'll be the one who got away that I'll tell my cats about when I get old. I want him in my life, that much I know. And I can be patient if that's what he needs, I have nowhere else to be emotionally. I'm not even upset, I'm just relieved he's around, and comfortable meeting his need. Which all sounds so.. Doing whatever he tells me to in pure desperation. It's not, don't worry, it's been weighed and thought through and will be reevaluated regularly to make sure it's still what I want to do. The lows of breakups obviously comes with the whole deal. And I'm accepting the fact that a rejection could hurt me. I just consider it worth the gamble. He's worth it.

In completely other news I want to take a moment to appreciate my own strength this past year. I was talking to some friends about overcoming the crap life throws at you, and holy hell. Grandmother, stepdad, me, granddad in the hospital. Falling in love with the love of my life, whirlwind emotional storm, getting dumped and then agreeing to a do-over at a slower pace. All the while getting my ass back to school and finishing 3 courses with top grades, putting me at a grade point average almost high enough to get into psychology. If I can get that just a tiny bit higher, Peepers.. Then screw lawschool, I'mma be a goddamn psychologist. I've also somehow managed to refind my love for books and the ability to concentrate on reading. AND, ladies and gentlemen, gotten my economy completely under control, saved up for my do-over at the driver's license (starting in like.. 8 days), painted a room in my hone, gone to my first ever music festival (scary scenario for me, but I loved it!), screwed up a foot again and healed up nicely, gone on loads of weekend trips to the lovely middle-of-nowhere, Jutland, made new friends and been a pretty decent friend and support to the existing ones.

I FEEL LIKE A PRETTY FUCKIKG PUT TOGETHER PERSON! And that's huge for me. I rarely ever really feel anxiety anymore, and when I do it's usually when my boundaries are broken and I have no way to retreat or make people understand what's happening. I've gotten so good at listening to myself, my warning signals, my needs and at finding ways to ask and communicate them if necessary, that I barely ever remember I have the condition anymore. (Not in the hit-my-head-and-forgot-way, just the dont-need-to-inform-as-a-precaution-way and the dont-need-to-take-precautions-way). I'd say I'm cured, but one thing is you don't cure anxiety, and another is I'm not, I've just learned how to deal with it. My toolbox is super functional. I know when to just back off and breathe, I know when to challenge myself and work on my problematic areas, I know when I need to verbalize, and most importantly I know when to draw the line and say no. I know how far I can stretch without breaking, and I'm glad to say it's further and further. I know when I need to just opt out, and how to do it in a way that lets anyone affected know it's not them, it's me tending to me. I also know how to pick my battles, and to prioritize in favor of my long-term mental health. And holy shit, all that has taken a while. I learned some in therapy. I learned some from life. I learned some from friends. I even learned some from myself. But I've learned, and I'm helping others learn, too.

I'm just in a good place, even if everything isn't rosy or perfect. Cause it's not, don't be fooled. But that's okay. I can deal with it, hell, I can even find enjoyment in overcoming the hurdles. Because they're all just one more step I'm actively taking, and not just staring down the road and finding it long. I want to see what's along that road. All of it.

I just wish it wasn't so freaking hot while I'm hiking. That one was for you, weather. Knock. It. Off.

Entwined

And so the day came when my exams were over, and my mind truly had time to reflect and be undistracted. I find myself habitually reaching to talk to him quite often. When something funny happens, when I have a story to tell, when I could use comfort or have it to offer. But he's not there.

Flashes of literature and movies go through my head a lot. Epic writings and acting that have depicted great sorrow. And I find myself wondering whether anyone ever truly managed to communicate what grief really feels like. Whether it's for a dead loved one, for a breakup, a lost child or something else all together. I wonder if there was ever a piece of work made that encapsules the magnitude of it.

I think of Romeo and Juliet, tragic, yet beautiful. Of Buffy being pulled out of Heaven, and the guilt of those who loved her for doing it. I'm reading the Infernal Devices trilogy and the loss and hopelessness of the severed bond of a parabatai circles my brain. I watch Gilmore Girls and see the utter devastation of a heart, when your great love is coming apart in your hands. Patrick Melrose falling apart as his parental attachments are torn and twisted before him.

And none of it is quite what I feel. But I see bits of it everywhere. The need to communicate the story of losing something, someone, in some way, too dear and precious to cope with not having anymore.

I don't know how such a strong bond was forged in such a short time. But it feels to me unbreakable. Like nothing could ever hope to compare or challenge it. And I don't say that lightly. I had my moment of Heaven. Of being at complete peace and in balance with myself and my surroundings, being loved for me, unconditionally, accepted, flaws appreciated, and I got to see another human bloom like a garden in spring, from me returning those feelings. That's my Heaven. My little glimpse of it.

At Copenhell, I went to a concert my friends wanted to see, and I sat on the hill, in the very back, feeling as much as hearing the music wash over me. The one-time-familiar feeling of the bass thundering through me, thumping like the echo of a heartbeat. And I had a moment, a minute, it could have been a lifetime, of complete clarity. I found, for just a moment of my life, someone who loved me in the way that I define love. If you gave me years to describe it, I still wouldn't be able to, there would be too many words, but he understood each of them, even unspoken. Like I invented a language and he spoke it, without ever being taught. I don't know how to let go of that.

I wanted that heartbeat in the bass to be his. Thumping so clearly it reverberated in the air around me. And I wonder if I'll always feel that way. Like the wind is his breath on my skin, like the soft caress of the blankets when I move in bed at night is his gentle touch. Like the thunder is the rumble of his voice, or like any kind of warmth is his soul touching mine. Maybe I'm seeing and feeling him everywhere, like the thoughts about grief is in every story I hear. Maybe I'm putting him there.

But I'm quite sure, if I am, that it's because I can't imagine a life without him. Our souls touched. And when they did, mine was branded for life.

I miss him. So very much.

Not clearing up one bit.

The nights are the worst.

I miss him. I haven't spoken to him once, since. He's gone totally missing, removed himself from my reach. I know him well enough to understand why, but it still hurts.

I miss him every single day. Not just like one would miss someone who's away. I miss him like a severed limb. Like part of me is missing.

I don't know if he's okay, and it's wreaking havoc on me. I have nightmares, I don't sleep much, and when I do it's exhaustion causing me to nap at random hours.

I've requested not to have him brought up. At all. I can't, it chokes me to think of having lost him. Like my throat is too tight for my windpipe. I can't talk about it.

I'm not even sure I'm making my masque believable. I try to be cheerful around people. I focus on my exams, but they'll be over very soon. I've done things to my apartment. Cleaned, painted, gotten new furniture. I read. Anything to keep my mind off it. Yet the pain is the same.

I miss him. I miss him so fucking much it makes me furious. I want to yell and scream at him and blame him for making me love him, only to walk away. But I couldn't, even if I had the chance. Cause he didn't want to, he needed to. And I want him to be happy and okay.

I wish I knew he was okay. I wish he knew I miss him. It's hard to keep the yearning and pain away at night.

Fuck.

I don't have a clever title.

It's funny how, even when you see pain coming, it doesn't hurt any less.
I knew a week ago. I've just been waiting, trying to convince myself I was wrong. Trying to convince myself I was just having a moment of doubt. But I knew. Even if I didn't want to trust that knowledge.

He ended it. I understand his reasons. He'll keep feeling bad about not being able to be around, for not having the mental energy, for not being able to commit to me as much as is needed for a relationship to work. He'll feel guilty. And it's going to tear apart what little sanity that's holding him up. He thinks I deserve better. That's of course complete bullshit. But I allowed it. We've never been about arguing, and now was certainly not the time to change that. The truth is that he's too selfless to do it for his own sake. He'd much rather break his own heart to spare me, than break mine to take care of himself, and it only serves to remind me why I love him.

What does a person do with love, when it's still there, but the relationship has ended? It doesn't just die. Not love like this. The kind of love that is mad. Absolutely insane, isn't it? The one.. I still know he is. Even with tears forming a pool on the floor between my feet, even with my heart aching so bad I'd rather go through the week up to the operation, again, than feel this. He can't be mine, right now. Maybe he never can. But I won't stop knowing we belong together. It's not just.. I could try to explain it a thousand times, but I can't put words to it. I've loved before. Fiercely. Deeply. This is just different.

So if love doesn't die, does it get stuck in limbo? Do I just sail endlessly slow down the river Styx? I trust that time heals all wounds, but this isn't a wound. I haven't been cut. There is no lesion. Only pain.

I have a thousand questions for him. I couldn't ask them right away. I couldn't taint the moment, I know he must have dreaded it so much. And I don't want him to hurt more than he already does. True to form, everything was very respectful, honest and caring. Even if.. Even if this is truly the end to us, I never want to lose our friendship. He's everything good in this world. I'm so fucking lucky to have been let in far enough to see even a glimpse of that, let alone a good, full view

I really love him. He's my sulfate. He's my Nugget and I'm his Starshine.

But what do I do with that, now?