It had to hurt at some point.

My sunday was just slow. A bit boring, really. Now I'm just.. sad, hurt and angry.

I don't care if I'm overly sensitive about it. He just doesn't get it. He never has, and he never will. But it actually meant something that he was willing to respect that I can't be around them, and I can't be close with people who are close with them. How can he think that that will just stop being a factor, cause we're not a couple anymore? He doesn't see that to me, that's like saying he doesn't want me to be his friend. That my wishes only mean something to him if we're a couple.

As if it wasn't enough I have to endure her presence on the team! Which is only another factor that pisses me off. I called back the fucking veto for his sake. To show him I'm willing to try, for him. And not only have I lost him, he even fucking invites her in...

One person was supportive to me about her participating. One. One person was willing to actually /hear/ me. Not just listen, nod their head, say they support me and then go "but...". And it wasn't my at-the-time-boyfriend. And I don't even expect them to, you know? I don't expect everyone to just stop knowing the people in the world who has really fucking hurt me.

But if I'm supposed to be close with someone? The someone who was involved in the whole deal, even. I can't be close to someone who's close to them. No amount of time, effort or therapy would change that, at this point. I wanted to try, I wanted to give it a go, for his sake, for our sake. But that's pretty meaningless now, isn't it? My effort wasn't enough.

I want him in my life. I want to be in his. But how the hell am I supposed to, if he invites the people who hurt me the most, to participate? What's next, he'll be buddies with my bio dad?

This is exactly why I never know if I'm able to be friends with him. Cause how the fuck do I cope if he ends up as one of those people? Again, I'm tempted to say, cause I was.. beyond miserable last time it happened.

This is one of those days where I'm full of regret.

A fool

I kept it at bay. I've really been working hard to not think about it. Obviously I miss him. Every day. Every hour.

But we have to stop. We can't keep trying and keep being wrong for eachother.

I won't even make this long. I broke today. But I refuse to keep being sad. I just won't do it. Not because I'm not sad, not because I don't want to just.. Sit down and give the fuck up. But because it will never get better unless I keep going. I want to drop out of school permanently, stay in my bed for 3 years, and never talk to anyone again. But I won't.

The thing that made up my mind? I can never, ever be what he wants, and so we'll never be happy. It goes both ways, he can't be what I want either, but it was the other part that settled it. It doesn't even matter what was said, but the sum was that I can't be both extremes of one end. I can't be both independent and at the same time love everything he says and does. I can't focus on my studies, have a family life, a social life, work out, and always have time to spontaneously drop everything to hang out or go out. I can't reload my energy by being with people, and I don't have time to do it alone without feeling guilty about it. I don't believe one person can contain all those things, at once, without draining themselves and others, or feeling like a whole person. The thing is, I feel like my personality was splitting. And that made me miserable and insecure.
So the feeling of never being able to do the right thing, won't go away. He is right. He does need more than one woman can offer.

I think.. I don't know. I hoped we would make it till Czocha, at least. I was so looking forward to actually going to a ball together... Is it bad that I feel half the trip is ruined, just cause I'll be missing out on stepping on his feet on the dancefloor? I don't dance, I hate dancing.. But I was giddy with excitement for this. It's stupid.

I just needed to make him feel better. Even if.. This is really gonna mess me up. I didn't want to be vulnerable. I didn't want to be the one to give him the confidence to chat up some girl, even if it's just physical. I can't stand the thought.. It breaks my heart. Even with his reassurances that it won't happen anytime soon.. He's just not the type to deny himself, is he? And why would he? If the chance is there, and I'm not around to witness it anyway.. And what do I expect, that he'll never touch another girl, just to spare me?

And now, the feeling like an idiot kicked in. I shouldn't have given in. Cause obviously he'll already be back on his sites by now, talking to all the naked women in the world about who knows what.. Declaring his singleness and hornyness. And I just relieved the desperation..

I'm a bloody idiot for loving anyone enough to do this to myself.. I shouldn't have given in.