Homework is boring right now. The material I'm working with is great, but my brain is all over the place. I'm starting a new character on saturday, and basically I'll know 2 people in the room. That kind of unsettles me, I don't always feel too comfortable with a bunch of strangers. I gotta get the homework out of the way first, but then I'll have 3 (fairly busy) days to create this character. Whom I have no idea what I want to do with. I'm not a huge fan of playing Ventrue, honestly, it's really conservative, and this role is going to be so much more conservative than the last one, Erica, was. On some levels. What I really missed with her was being more relaxed and having some personal play. A function, so I didn't end up just standing around. And that's kinda my issue with suit-roles. I'm not a very political player. So if I have to get all political, I have no idea where to turn or what to do. And then it does get boring.
With Emma, my very non-political role, it's easy. Emma does what Emma wants. She preserves herself, but she's curious and up-front and wants to know why you're wearing an ugly outfit. Erica had her moments where she was a lot of fun. I gotta figure out how to make Victoria fun. Having the aspect of personal play in the mix definitely makes it a sweeter deal, but being all.. buttoned up, isn't really too alluring. And I have no idea what to expect or what to do up there, so that is my challenge for the next few days.
I don't even know what to wear. It's too cold for skirts and dresses, really, and I'll most likely end up in some kind of trouser/shirt/vest arrangement. I considered taking the look in a more dominatrix-secretary look (mostly so I could wear my underbust corset and feel a little more shapely), but that just doesn't work with the conservative thing. Neither does cleavage. Which is honestly the only thing I'm comfortable showing, right now. It's starting to stress me out a bit. The thought of going through outfits on friday is not at all alluring, I feel like I look pregnant in most things.
*Sigh* yeah, I don't sound very excited, do I? Maybe I will be tomorrow.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Life is a tricky size, you know?
I got a cold. Or the flu. I'm not sure, it's a bit of both I think. Right now, I feel surprisingly okay. But I had similar energitic moment last night, and I crashed hard right after, so I'm not too optimistic. My Vampire campaign is tonight, but I decided to stay home and try to get better, rather than challenge my fickle health further. I want to be all better by monday when I have to go pick up my books, go to the doctor, see my mom about musical tickets, and then go to the theater in the evening. And make a plan for my studies. Plus, I have to get up early and work tomorrow.
So I'm home alone tonight, and I'm enjoying myself painting and listening to music and watching crappy tv. I gotta get around to food soon. And doing dishes.
It's been an eventful time. I think a lot of healthy talking is being done, but also it seems to uncover new problems, or at least revealing some to be bigger than I thought. It's all problems I want to tackle, and feel I can actually handle, but it's timeconsuming. And I can't get everything solved all at once. Some things, I can't be the one solving at all, and others I can only help with.
I have a lot of worries, and it's nothing new that I'm letting it show. I'm worried about time management, but I have a plan to make it easier to communicate my strategies and meanings across. It stresses me too much if my mental planning is jostled too much, and I'm horrible at making that known cause it's not something I do consciously. It worries me to think of the introductions that's been made in my absense. Well, honestly, I'm pissed about it. A part of me still thinks it should never have found place, and blames him for not thinking of the consequences. But I'm trying to reel in my anger about it. I don't think I'm succeeding. For some reason, there still seems to be an idea that my anger will dissolve some day, but that's an illusion I'll leave others to deal with. I've made my opinion on the matter very clear. And I'm fully aware that that opinion can end up costing me some friendships, but I've drawn a line, and I'm not interested in budging.
Economy is an issue. It'll take some time before I can have my own up and running, and I actually had a solid plan for it. I'll have to adjust it, I know that. But I also have that part who wants everyone else to just bud the fuck out and let me fix it myself. Especially the part who can't help but think about the amount of negativity connected to one months financial support. Which has generally made me prone to avoid economy talk at all. I don't want to find myself in a position again, where I get the "I took on the responsibility and paid for your living" talk again, after having helped supporting someone for a long long time already. Because at one time, I felt betrayed and like everything I ever did or attempted financially had been forgotten. It's neither fair nor okay in any way. So I'm very apprehensive about the whole thing.
I'm worried cause I know I'll still have to make some demands. Right now, there are things I simply don't trust him to handle. And I can tell I'm bothered by them. I need to have some closure on the mistrust issues. And I know it's going to raise discussions and tears and probably some yelling and screaming too, but there are some things I can't let slip. I know I'll be asking him to hurt some people, but I don't see any other way that makes me calm about it. Some things have to be adressed and acted on, if this is meant to be a success. Or even a proper attempt.
I've made my piece about my own mistake. I can't erase it, but I've done my best to make up for my error. I've done all I can do on my end, and I hope it makes things better, but I understand perfectly if it doesn't.
So there's a lot of thoughts, and it's nice to have some time to sort them out. Even though they make me worry a bit more. About exactly how much I'm worth to him. Cause I'm asking a very high price for myself, and I'm fully aware. And I'll be raising the price, cause I know what I'm worth to me, and we're not there yet.
So I'm home alone tonight, and I'm enjoying myself painting and listening to music and watching crappy tv. I gotta get around to food soon. And doing dishes.
It's been an eventful time. I think a lot of healthy talking is being done, but also it seems to uncover new problems, or at least revealing some to be bigger than I thought. It's all problems I want to tackle, and feel I can actually handle, but it's timeconsuming. And I can't get everything solved all at once. Some things, I can't be the one solving at all, and others I can only help with.
I have a lot of worries, and it's nothing new that I'm letting it show. I'm worried about time management, but I have a plan to make it easier to communicate my strategies and meanings across. It stresses me too much if my mental planning is jostled too much, and I'm horrible at making that known cause it's not something I do consciously. It worries me to think of the introductions that's been made in my absense. Well, honestly, I'm pissed about it. A part of me still thinks it should never have found place, and blames him for not thinking of the consequences. But I'm trying to reel in my anger about it. I don't think I'm succeeding. For some reason, there still seems to be an idea that my anger will dissolve some day, but that's an illusion I'll leave others to deal with. I've made my opinion on the matter very clear. And I'm fully aware that that opinion can end up costing me some friendships, but I've drawn a line, and I'm not interested in budging.
Economy is an issue. It'll take some time before I can have my own up and running, and I actually had a solid plan for it. I'll have to adjust it, I know that. But I also have that part who wants everyone else to just bud the fuck out and let me fix it myself. Especially the part who can't help but think about the amount of negativity connected to one months financial support. Which has generally made me prone to avoid economy talk at all. I don't want to find myself in a position again, where I get the "I took on the responsibility and paid for your living" talk again, after having helped supporting someone for a long long time already. Because at one time, I felt betrayed and like everything I ever did or attempted financially had been forgotten. It's neither fair nor okay in any way. So I'm very apprehensive about the whole thing.
I'm worried cause I know I'll still have to make some demands. Right now, there are things I simply don't trust him to handle. And I can tell I'm bothered by them. I need to have some closure on the mistrust issues. And I know it's going to raise discussions and tears and probably some yelling and screaming too, but there are some things I can't let slip. I know I'll be asking him to hurt some people, but I don't see any other way that makes me calm about it. Some things have to be adressed and acted on, if this is meant to be a success. Or even a proper attempt.
I've made my piece about my own mistake. I can't erase it, but I've done my best to make up for my error. I've done all I can do on my end, and I hope it makes things better, but I understand perfectly if it doesn't.
So there's a lot of thoughts, and it's nice to have some time to sort them out. Even though they make me worry a bit more. About exactly how much I'm worth to him. Cause I'm asking a very high price for myself, and I'm fully aware. And I'll be raising the price, cause I know what I'm worth to me, and we're not there yet.
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