I need help.

So, last night, I went home to my own apartment. I had to stop by my mom with some stuff she had asked me to get her when I was at Ikea friday. I had forgotten my bike was at home, so I decided to walk, in serious need of a mental break. However, I think my mind just gave up the second my mom was in sight. I had a total teary breakdown on her, and I'm sure she was ready to call the freaking army right there, just to do something to make me stop and breathe.

I've known for years I should talk to someone. And I finally admitted to her that it should happen soon. I don't function very well these days. I don't have any friends left. I have an amazing boyfriend who tries all he can to be there, and though he does a great job, I can't even make myself tell him everything, cause I know he has it worse. And he don't need my burdens on top of his.

But I can't handle it anymore. Being alone with my thoughts and worries. My friends are gone, my family is either distant or worrying their asses off on my behalf. And it's not everything you can talk to your family about, anyway.

I have serious trustissues. I don't know if it's from my dad walking out, my grandfather being abusive, a bunch of friends screwing me over, or a combination of it all, but I simply don't trust people. I can't even relax amongst the puppy's friends, whom I feel comfortable around, normally. I feel out of place, inadequate and akward. Insecure. I can't interact very well, and the roleplaying even makes me feel unsafe. I think it's the fact that they're suddenly not them selves. So I feel like I'm with a bunch of strangers who's all talking about systems I don't understand, and I don't like asking about it cause I don't know how their roles reacts. 6 weeks ago, it wouldn't have bothered me. I don't know what happened during that time.

I feel like I'm only barely following my classes. History is one huge mess for me. Analyzing and comparing isn't something that I can systemize enough that it's logical. Math is being tricky and I'm always turning it in last minute. Only spanish is actually managable. I'm good at it, even. There's even a person in the class I actually enjoy talking to. But it's irrelevant as long as I don't like talking too much about anything with anyone who could get close and then leave. I would love to make friends, but I'm terrified of it.

I miss people. I miss Kevin, I miss Kristian, I miss my sister, I miss my brother and I miss the bat. And I'm scared shitless of them. The people who have to power to hurt me. The people who either left, or whom I pushed away before they could. I don't know if it's them or me who did things, anymore. I think I'm broken. And I don't know if I should blame the past, or blame myself.

I worry all the time. I have a constant ball of pain in my stomach for the people I love, who are out in the world doing whatever it is they do these days, or close enough that I know they're struggling. And I will always do that, I've accepted that as a part of who I am, long ago. But not having anyone to unload it all on, is killing me. Literally. I have trouble eating, I have trouble sleeping, I can't concentrate on the homework that's piling up, and I'm either crying on people or snapping at them, when I'm not just quiet and contemplative.

I have come to the conclusion I need help to handle things. I need someone to talk to. I need someone to tell me how to trust again. I need someone to tell me I'm not stupid. I need someone to make me understand the past doesn't have to be part of me. I need someone to help me understand depressions better. I need someone to tell me why I'm friendless.

I miss my soulmate. I still think of my best friend like that. I miss fighting with you, Kev. I miss telling you of a screw-up and knowing you'll still be there when you're done yelling at me. I miss being told "You're a bitch, but I love you anyway." I miss mocking idiots, ranting to eachother, advising eachother. I miss my best friend.

I miss your laugh, Kristian. I miss watching Eddie Izzard with you, and your devotion to your friends. I miss having someone who always had time to write a funny text to cheer me up, and I miss going for walks and talk about life. I miss markets and red candy.

I miss the smile in my sister's eyes. I haven't seen it in ages, and I think her eyes grew colder towards me when I rejected our father's outreached hand. I miss laughing at Mumi-jokes in the middle of the night, suddenly realizing we've talking for an hour. I miss drinking tea and playing scrabble, and I miss walking the dog. I miss talking about boys with you.

I miss my brother. I miss the protectiveness, the worry, the hugs, and how you were so easily accepted into the gang. I miss discussing and disagreeing on music, and talking gaming and tech-stuff with you. I miss your smile. How it always makes me calm and happy to know you feel good enough to smile. I miss joking around with you.

And I miss the bat. I miss waking up to random funny, sometimes drunken, texts in the morning. I miss how her hair is always a mess, no matter what she does to it. I miss making up over something unhealthy. I miss fetching paper when she knocks stuff over. I miss hearing about her brothers, and I miss going on adventures together. I miss going out with her. I miss how she steals the attention in a room, no matter who's in it.

And I don't trust any of them. They can't trust me, either. Cause if I don't even trust myself, how can anyone else? I need to be fixed, somehow. I turn 21 in less then a month, and I decided against doing anything for it this year. Cause who the hell would I invite? My birthday will be sushi with the puppy, and dinner with the family. Maybe I'll finally drag my sister out for that night of drinking I owe her, and drag some answers out of her while we're both inebriated.

Being human? Overrated.

Sleeeeepyhead.

We have a bed! And it's wonderful! I voted we stayed in it for the next week, but the werewhelp pointed out we had stuff to do, and roleplaying to host, not to mention I have classes to attend. But who needs all that when you have a BED?! I read in bed this morning ^.^

It's massively big, though. It almost looks insane, but when you do the whole livingroom/bedroom in one room thing, it tends to become crowded. But honestly? I don't care. Cause there's a BED! ^.^

Anyhow. I worry on and off these days. Things are tricky! Good and bad. Actually, screw that, the main thing on my mind right now, (apart from the sexyness that is my other half, who's currently all brit-punk'ed up for his role tomorrow) is my dreams. I have freaking odd dreams.

After the nightmare the other day, which we're not getting into, it's been a rollercoaster through the twilight zone. I dream very vividly. I'm surprised the dream I had about the whelp going to the hospital didn't turn to a nightmare. But in the dream, I was perfectly cool and calm, so maybe that's why it didn't affect me more. Or maybe the dream just wanted me to focus differently, which I did.

I had something to write, but I'm totally drawing blanks right now. I'm tired. Been Toreador'ing the apartment for a few hours, shoving books under the bed, which is quite hard work. And we've been out and about a lot today. Fries at the airport ^.^

I think sleep should happen soon.

I have Malaria.

I've grown to like sushi. That's pretty odd. I actually decided against potatoes, in favor of sushi. With fish, even. So yeah, I'm concluding I have some sort of disease. Malaria, probably.

Anyhow. I feel like a good girlfriend this week. I gave the werewhelp a Mac as an early birthday present. His old computer sort of blacked out, so we went to see what the Apple store could do for him. And we co-signed a loan. Which is actually huge, to me O.o I'll be the one actually paying for it, and we briefly discussed just doing it all in my name, but I don't mind it this way, cause it'll officially be in his name when it's done being paid for. So it's his, just as it should be.

The smile on his face when we left the store was totally worth it :)

Tomorrow, we're getting a bed! WOOO! Hopefully that means we'll no longer be on mattresses on the floor, ruining our backs and necks. And it'll make it easier to store things away, and make the room livable. Yeah, sure, this and my having to get a new phone will make the next couple months a little tight on the budget, but I have faith that everything will work out just fine. And if it doesn't want to, I'll make it work anyway. I have gotten stubborn, now.

Have I mentioned I have a wonderful boyfriend? :) You know the kind of guy I mean; Smart, funny, stunningly handsome with the most charming attitude and a sexy smile. What more can a girl possibly want? Oh, yes, I know! Safety in his arms, love in his kisses, and an inside joke in his eyes. But I have that as well. I have someone who eats my crappy baking, who doesn't mind me there with the guys when they watch football and eat burgers, who wakes me up from nightmares and holds my hand all night while letting me know I'm perfectly safe with him. Someone who, when I have a hysterical teary breakdown over math I don't understand, stays calm and explains to me why that is; I'm not supposed to without a calculator. Someone who calls me just to tell how awesome it is to beta Cataclysm, or to tell me I'm epic XD Envy me, world, cause I love and am loved by one of your top-inhabitants.

Despite the ton of homework that has been bestowed on me lately, I have found myself to spend my inlaid studybreaks writing. Little scenarios keep popping up in my head. I consider this a good sign, it means my creativity hasn't died yet. So maybe the whole live-roleplaying thing has just been failing for me lately cause I haven't been using my brain in that fashion. I haven't been nursing it. I've been feeling like a failure at history, cause the work-methods is not at all something I'm used to. But we just did a project, and my group decided to make a movie, and working like that was much better for me. So maybe I should be thinking of it as if I was making a manuscript. I even changed my note-technique. It's literally more colorful, now, dividing things like generel, church, king, scientifics and politics into different colored markers, so that when I type things up, it's easier to keep track on what belongs where.

Let's see what the weekend brings :)

Brainstorm gets a whole new meaning..

Ooookay.. My brain is tired. Going back to school after 5 years off is tough! Could be harder, but I feel the need to complain, and so I do. Doing history 4 days a week, and reading a chapter in the textbook before each class. Which means I read all the time. And the take-notes-expectiations is totally over the top. I don't need that many notes, dammit! Takes up space, and all those B.C's are weighing down the backpack! I break my back on a daily basis O.o ... Only cause I insist on bringing my laptop to class, but it makes stuff easier. I should really just do notes on it, but I keep thinking "But what if it breaks down?!", so I'm all about the handwritten notes.

My math is almost a joy, though. Selfstudy for the win. I have deadlines every 2 weeks, where I turn in stuff. First thing was equations, which I've hated since the beginning of time. Mainly cause I just didn't get them, and later on, because they took gazillions of time to get through. All the damn lines it takes up.. But! Next time is percentage and interest! Which I know inside-out! Woo! I'm still waiting for a response on the equations, though. Supposed to get one tonight. I want grades, but they don't do that -.- ... No, I'm not at all obsessed with my results.. Am not.. *sees halo dripping down in front of her face, rotting* ... Okay, I'm competitive and a striving bitch okay?!

And I started spanish yesterday! Decided on giving up on french alltogether, and just find myself a nice, different language to learn. So far, I'm pretty good at it. Teacher says that I have an ear for it, so I hope he's right. (And I'm the only damn person in that class that knows to look for other languages in the words. I mean, half the things I knew how to translate, I got from danish, french and english. If they look alike, they usually at least compares. Go figure.) All the pronounciation we've gone through so far, I didn't have trouble with. Though, the whole Plácido Domingo with the soft d's got some giggles rolling. Not looking forward to rolling R's, though. I do it wrong, and I can't seem to get my tongue to cooperate into the right position. Ignoring all perverted thoughts generated by that sentence.

The money thing is idiotic, though. Cause I go to two different schools, and the systems have been changed, I have to reapply. Wrote a new application today, talking to the office tomorrow after class. Then HOPEFULLY they'll get it accepted, and I'll have something to live off of within the next few weeks. Months. Years. Who knows with these people.

Other then that, I don't do much. Seeing the puppy when we can, which is a little hectic with both of us starting school and everything. And I do homework all the time, it seems like. And work. I'm ready for bed at 10pm most days, totally beat. And I don't have a clue as to when I'll have time to get my hair un-blonded. With this pace, sometime around fallbreak. Ugh, I have class on my birthday, last day before fall break -.- That sucks. And the puppy is already talking about what he's getting me, and being all secretive, and driving me nuts. WHY DOES PEOPLE ALWAYS DO THAT?! Ugh, me no gusta, or something.

Now, I will check for my math-thing. Again. And be happy that I'm done with homework for today, and have the company of one boyfriend, who hopefully won't get me sick. Sneezy.