This weekend has just plain sucked.
I've wanted to curl up in a ball and not face the world since thursday evening. I couldn't handle it, I simply couldn't. I tried to play nice, but it was like constant pecking at a bleeding wound; it wasn't going to get the least better. It's like having a woodpecker reminding you you lost them both, months ago. And I can't bloody well explain that to either of them, now can I? You can't freaking sit down and tell your brother about all the ways he's putting his neck on line, without betraying your best friend. And you can't tell your best friend you don't feel comfortable sharing anything private with her, when you know she's the kind of person who shares things with her partner, and her partner is your brother.
And I'll always be in the fucking middle, wether I want to or not, or if they say so now or not. Cause I'll be told about their problems, and I can't agree or disagree with anything, without disappointing or betraying one of them. And I keep seeing the day when it breaks, in my head, seeing my best friend crumble, cause she still doesn't know how to stand strong alone, and my brother break with hurt. And if there's one person in this world I cannot bear the thought of being in pain, it's my brother. Cause out of all the people I've ever known or met, he's done the least to deserve it. And not it seems I'm the one to hurt him.
And how can I be a support for any of them, when I love the other as well? Whoever ends up to blame in an argument, I'd have to walk away from even listening to it. How can I be a friend, like that? How can I be a sister?
And I was yelled at for my reactions. I was chastised by the one I seek out for support, for being unable to accept things. It broke my heart a little bit, cause at the same time, I felt absolutely disgusted with myself, and completely misunderstood. I've never been so torn up, not knowing if I should be yelling and screaming to defend myself, or go dig a hole to hide in. I chose to shut up and suffer in silence, to think about what had been said.
And at first, I thought spending the weekend by myself would probably help me sort things out. Now.. I'm doing everything in my power not to tear up at the prospect of another few days alone. It helped a lot that he called the second he knew I was sad, and listened to me. Even though I'm sure half of it made no sense through the sniffling. Having someone who sees the thoughtful pain in me, and not just the angry reactions, makes it bearable. Knowing someone wanted to be there and hug me, no, that he wanted it, even made me smile.
I've conducted my usual behaviour for being sad, these last two days. Keeping myself busy. Yesterday I watched movies, went for a walk, gaming in till I was too tired to keep my eyes open. Today I cleaned up, fed the snakes, ran the dishwasher and now I'm watching Buffy. After this blog, I'll be packing some of my stuff down to take with me home. I guess not being home for a month, except to do laundry, will have my apartment in a state that can keep me busy for awhile, too. I hope.
I feel like crap cause I can't be what the world wants me to be. Cause I can't feel what they want me to. I could try to lie, pretend I'm okay with everything.
But who am I kidding?
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Thank you for being there, my puppy, when I needed you. It means the world to me. Thank you for listening to my crazy ramblings, for understanding, for caring and for being able to distract me enough to make me laugh again. Thank you for eternally twisting and expanding my perspective, or do your best at it. Thank you for inspiring me, and thank your for giving me hope when all seems hopeless. Thank you for being in my life, and thank you for letting me be in yours. Most of all; Thank you for being you.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
To a friend and faithfull reader, for believing I'd do this one day
People has asked me before why I didn't get into writing. I never really thought my writing was that good, honestly. But I always told people I lacked the endurance. I give up on projects, or simply get bored with it. A friend stumbled upon my blog only a few months ago, and after talking about it for awhile, he said "I think that someday, if you got a really good idea and the right inspiration, you could write something brilliant." My friend gave me the courage to believe what I write isn't just crap. Maybe even to dare show my non-blog-writing, in public, some day.
I think I just realized what the right story for me to write, is. I think the inspiration has been in front of me for a year, without me understanding it. This whole selfdiscovery thing I've been doing? This test of who I really am? This story will be my final exam.
The story of what was. I only just realized it now that it's truly finished; Writing it down, telling the story of young stupidity, hopeless dreams, heartaches threatening to rip one apart born from love of unknown strength, might be the perfect way of reviewing how I ended up having to check myself at the seams in the first place.
Scrutinize my mistakes, maybe even end up forgiving his. But most important of all; Learn. Maybe, some day, if I ever finish a massive project like that, it could help someone else.
So thank you, Geo, for opening my eyes to this. It may seem small to you, but to me, it was something I needed to hear. You'll be in the dedications ;-)
I think I just realized what the right story for me to write, is. I think the inspiration has been in front of me for a year, without me understanding it. This whole selfdiscovery thing I've been doing? This test of who I really am? This story will be my final exam.
The story of what was. I only just realized it now that it's truly finished; Writing it down, telling the story of young stupidity, hopeless dreams, heartaches threatening to rip one apart born from love of unknown strength, might be the perfect way of reviewing how I ended up having to check myself at the seams in the first place.
Scrutinize my mistakes, maybe even end up forgiving his. But most important of all; Learn. Maybe, some day, if I ever finish a massive project like that, it could help someone else.
So thank you, Geo, for opening my eyes to this. It may seem small to you, but to me, it was something I needed to hear. You'll be in the dedications ;-)
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Zombie rising from the grave!
It's alive, IT'S ALIIIIIVE! ...
*cough* So um, yeah. Been pushing off blogging for... Ages. I know. Missed me? Too bad ^.^ Anyways, The last couple of weeks has been really great, and actually pretty eventful, but I'm too lazy to go into details.
I've attended a few birthdays, attempting to keep the whining of certain friends to a minimum. Sorry, I have to be honest; The partying is just getting boring. Maybe I'm getting old. But sitting around in smoky rooms with drunk people, talking about the same stuff as last time, isn't my first choice anymore. I really do feel sort of old, sometimes at those parties, when I sit, quietly talking to someone, suddenly catching myself thinking "This would be really nice over a dinner with a bottle of wine, just a few people, having a nice, quiet evening together." .... *Yaaaaaaaawn* Sign me up for the retirement home, why don't ya?
My sister decided to join me when I start school this fall, and we're going to beg them to let us be in the same class. Mostly for her; I'll serve as a motivator for her, when she loses faith. I'm not going to lack motivation; being in the mere presence of the puppy reminds me daily why I want this. How much it'll give me in personal developing. My brain is craving it, I'd start tomorrow if they'd let me. But going with my sister will make it a lot more fun, that's a plus. And she'll make it through this time, I'm sure. Cause it would be me she was disappointing, should she drop out, and I know how much she hates to disappoint her sister. And I'll help her all I can.
The puppy and I have joined a gym. Yes, I said it. A gym. And though I'm mostly doing it to be supportive, I think it's going to be fun. Eventually. I might actually improve my balance and endurance. And strength, I've been complaining about my lack of strength for ages. But oh my god it was hard when we went for the first time. 10 of this and 10 of that, even on low weight, actually made me nauseus O.o I liked the running though. I think I'll do more running, to get my endurance up, before I focus too much on the weights and twists and pulls and stuff. We'll see how it all works out.
And then I was dragged to my first live-roleplay. I served as a juicebox for a whole room full of hungry vampires. I got bitten, licked on, hissed at, stared at, touched in various ways on various parts of my body, sniffed at, grabbed and pushed around. I was bleeding from great gashes on my wrists, feigning confused, dizzy fear and pain. The room was a chilly basement, lit only by a bunch of trays with candles, scattered about the floor, the walls and floors hung with plastic, drenched in blood. By the end of it, I was dead on the concrete floor, soaking in a pool of blood, my hair sticking to my face, and my arms and hands caked with dry blood. It was hilarious, one of the coolest experiences ever XD I already wanna do it again, except I want to scream more and try to make a run for it :D And be less drained for blood at the beginning.
Other then that.. OH! I'm getting a new laptop next week. Which I am thrilled about! It's bigger, it's better, it's a gaming computer! Woo! And it's black with red details, which looks awesomely cool. Not to say anything bad about Pinky here, ofcourse. *Cuddles to the pink laptop*
We went to a stand-up thing, quite spontanously, tuesday evening, where puppy's cousin and some stand-up-dude named Niels dragged us off to Comedy Zoo afterwards, to what was apparently a private party. Attending the party, was at least 4 or 5 people I own dvd's with, and another half dozen I recognize from different stand-up shows on tv. I asked Carsten Bang for the way to the bathroom. O.o To me, this beats meeting the president of the USA.
What else... I half-emptied Ikea the other day, grandpa in tow. I agreed to be entertainment for a 2 hour drive down to my uncle's summer house, and another 2 hour drive back. But first: Ikea! So I have now filled out some missing spots at the puppy's apartment. Because I bloody well felt like it, that's why, now shut up.
Then there was work today, I'm hanging out with my brother tomorrow, probably after buying dead, frozen mice, and then.. Who knows? The guys are going to The Little Café, but I'm not really in a mood for it. Or of a wallet for it. Sunday is Avatar And Fries day. Cause we decided we needed to take a day of nothingness out of the calendar, being all booked and whatnot next week. Monday is my grandmother's birthday, but we're not going till tuesday, cause mom has work. Tuesday is laptop day, and then going to the grandparents and.. make cake, or something. And I'll be dragging mom to get some sun wednesday or thursday. Probably have work in the weekend.
Apart from all this. I had a long talk with grandpa about the fact that my bio dad contacted me a few months back. Originally, I hadn't planned on telling my grandparents, mostly cause I know my grandmother's tendency to talk his case, and it just pisses me off more then I think is necessary. And though he saw my point in nothing good coming of it, and how I can't see what use it is now, 10 years later, having some guy playing the role of dad, he thought that "After all, he IS your father". No. He fathered me, true enough. But he was never my father, that's a title you have to earn. You're not family to me, just cause you share my genetics. But granddad did point out he saw things as a father himself, and thought of how he'd feel if it was my mom not wanting him in her life. I understand that. But he was there for her, Johnny never was for me. It's very different. It was nice to not be condemned for my decision though, I can always count on my granddad to at the very least understand me.
And then the thing I've been debating writing about or not. The end of an era. I'm not really going to specify that, here, out of respect for.. Well, everything that was. I finally got to have a respectful end, to something left broken and abused for a very long time. It has haunted me, knowing I never got to say the things that needed to be said, so I could forget. No, not forget, never forget. What was, was too important to me, to ever forget. But the truth of it got out, and I'm not the only one who'll, hopefully, be able to move on now. I've been moving on for the past two years, but I needed to give it the final push, for it to be reality elsewhere.
I never had the heart to break you. And I knew it would break you to know my love for you had long ago turned only friendly. I let you believe it. So when I claimed to be no angel, I meant it. We deceived eachother equally. I wrote in here that it would be best for both of us. I meant that too. In more ways then you probably understood.
To you, we were never just friends. So how could I hope to keep a friendship only I saw as a friendship, when I knew it wouldn't be the same to you? I was greedy to keep you. And you always wondered why I could keep forgiving your mistakes.. Because my own matched and doubled yours.
And then the damn song played this morning, the song I used to listen to when you cut me off. And for the first time ever, it sort of felt like a release. No more pain, no more regrets, no more guilt. The last of it left me, there.
"Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do"
I am different. I'm not at all the same. And I could not accept a claim of love, even friendly, for a part of me you don't know. I don't know you either, anymore. For what it's worth..? I will always love the memory of you, and the friendship we once had. There, I said it. Don't gloat.
*cough* So um, yeah. Been pushing off blogging for... Ages. I know. Missed me? Too bad ^.^ Anyways, The last couple of weeks has been really great, and actually pretty eventful, but I'm too lazy to go into details.
I've attended a few birthdays, attempting to keep the whining of certain friends to a minimum. Sorry, I have to be honest; The partying is just getting boring. Maybe I'm getting old. But sitting around in smoky rooms with drunk people, talking about the same stuff as last time, isn't my first choice anymore. I really do feel sort of old, sometimes at those parties, when I sit, quietly talking to someone, suddenly catching myself thinking "This would be really nice over a dinner with a bottle of wine, just a few people, having a nice, quiet evening together." .... *Yaaaaaaaawn* Sign me up for the retirement home, why don't ya?
My sister decided to join me when I start school this fall, and we're going to beg them to let us be in the same class. Mostly for her; I'll serve as a motivator for her, when she loses faith. I'm not going to lack motivation; being in the mere presence of the puppy reminds me daily why I want this. How much it'll give me in personal developing. My brain is craving it, I'd start tomorrow if they'd let me. But going with my sister will make it a lot more fun, that's a plus. And she'll make it through this time, I'm sure. Cause it would be me she was disappointing, should she drop out, and I know how much she hates to disappoint her sister. And I'll help her all I can.
The puppy and I have joined a gym. Yes, I said it. A gym. And though I'm mostly doing it to be supportive, I think it's going to be fun. Eventually. I might actually improve my balance and endurance. And strength, I've been complaining about my lack of strength for ages. But oh my god it was hard when we went for the first time. 10 of this and 10 of that, even on low weight, actually made me nauseus O.o I liked the running though. I think I'll do more running, to get my endurance up, before I focus too much on the weights and twists and pulls and stuff. We'll see how it all works out.
And then I was dragged to my first live-roleplay. I served as a juicebox for a whole room full of hungry vampires. I got bitten, licked on, hissed at, stared at, touched in various ways on various parts of my body, sniffed at, grabbed and pushed around. I was bleeding from great gashes on my wrists, feigning confused, dizzy fear and pain. The room was a chilly basement, lit only by a bunch of trays with candles, scattered about the floor, the walls and floors hung with plastic, drenched in blood. By the end of it, I was dead on the concrete floor, soaking in a pool of blood, my hair sticking to my face, and my arms and hands caked with dry blood. It was hilarious, one of the coolest experiences ever XD I already wanna do it again, except I want to scream more and try to make a run for it :D And be less drained for blood at the beginning.
Other then that.. OH! I'm getting a new laptop next week. Which I am thrilled about! It's bigger, it's better, it's a gaming computer! Woo! And it's black with red details, which looks awesomely cool. Not to say anything bad about Pinky here, ofcourse. *Cuddles to the pink laptop*
We went to a stand-up thing, quite spontanously, tuesday evening, where puppy's cousin and some stand-up-dude named Niels dragged us off to Comedy Zoo afterwards, to what was apparently a private party. Attending the party, was at least 4 or 5 people I own dvd's with, and another half dozen I recognize from different stand-up shows on tv. I asked Carsten Bang for the way to the bathroom. O.o To me, this beats meeting the president of the USA.
What else... I half-emptied Ikea the other day, grandpa in tow. I agreed to be entertainment for a 2 hour drive down to my uncle's summer house, and another 2 hour drive back. But first: Ikea! So I have now filled out some missing spots at the puppy's apartment. Because I bloody well felt like it, that's why, now shut up.
Then there was work today, I'm hanging out with my brother tomorrow, probably after buying dead, frozen mice, and then.. Who knows? The guys are going to The Little Café, but I'm not really in a mood for it. Or of a wallet for it. Sunday is Avatar And Fries day. Cause we decided we needed to take a day of nothingness out of the calendar, being all booked and whatnot next week. Monday is my grandmother's birthday, but we're not going till tuesday, cause mom has work. Tuesday is laptop day, and then going to the grandparents and.. make cake, or something. And I'll be dragging mom to get some sun wednesday or thursday. Probably have work in the weekend.
Apart from all this. I had a long talk with grandpa about the fact that my bio dad contacted me a few months back. Originally, I hadn't planned on telling my grandparents, mostly cause I know my grandmother's tendency to talk his case, and it just pisses me off more then I think is necessary. And though he saw my point in nothing good coming of it, and how I can't see what use it is now, 10 years later, having some guy playing the role of dad, he thought that "After all, he IS your father". No. He fathered me, true enough. But he was never my father, that's a title you have to earn. You're not family to me, just cause you share my genetics. But granddad did point out he saw things as a father himself, and thought of how he'd feel if it was my mom not wanting him in her life. I understand that. But he was there for her, Johnny never was for me. It's very different. It was nice to not be condemned for my decision though, I can always count on my granddad to at the very least understand me.
And then the thing I've been debating writing about or not. The end of an era. I'm not really going to specify that, here, out of respect for.. Well, everything that was. I finally got to have a respectful end, to something left broken and abused for a very long time. It has haunted me, knowing I never got to say the things that needed to be said, so I could forget. No, not forget, never forget. What was, was too important to me, to ever forget. But the truth of it got out, and I'm not the only one who'll, hopefully, be able to move on now. I've been moving on for the past two years, but I needed to give it the final push, for it to be reality elsewhere.
I never had the heart to break you. And I knew it would break you to know my love for you had long ago turned only friendly. I let you believe it. So when I claimed to be no angel, I meant it. We deceived eachother equally. I wrote in here that it would be best for both of us. I meant that too. In more ways then you probably understood.
To you, we were never just friends. So how could I hope to keep a friendship only I saw as a friendship, when I knew it wouldn't be the same to you? I was greedy to keep you. And you always wondered why I could keep forgiving your mistakes.. Because my own matched and doubled yours.
And then the damn song played this morning, the song I used to listen to when you cut me off. And for the first time ever, it sort of felt like a release. No more pain, no more regrets, no more guilt. The last of it left me, there.
"Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me
Goodbye my almost lover
Goodbye my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should have known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do"
I am different. I'm not at all the same. And I could not accept a claim of love, even friendly, for a part of me you don't know. I don't know you either, anymore. For what it's worth..? I will always love the memory of you, and the friendship we once had. There, I said it. Don't gloat.
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