The little things.

I can't help but wonder. The human creature is a marvelous being, isn't it? It can go from calm and content to panic in a split second, and then from panic to apathy in another. And then there's that moment when a human gets just exactly what they need, to feel the apathy and panic melt away or simply become unimportant. I'm fascinated by that.

I left the christmas party early. Partly because, as expected, a lot of people were very drunk, and the indulgence in brain-cell-destroying smoke was a bit over the top for me. And partly, no mostly, because something else was more important. I won't be specifying why or what, it's not my place or public info, I'll leave it at being wanted/needed? elsewhere.

And though many my age would consider a night of drinking, dancing, partying, flirting and socializing with 20 people, where you could call at least 10 of them your friends, the best way to spend a saturday night at the age of 20, I'd trade that any day for what I got. Peace and quiet, music from grand, epic scenes from a bunch of awesome movies, bundled up on the couch against a person you care about, reading a great fantasy book, threading fingers through their hair. Ordering food in the middle of the night, once again discussing my horrible taste in something XD It never fails to amuse me how little I seem to care about quality, compared to the standards of a certain someone ^^ Maybe I'm just a slave to habits. I don't go searching for new things without a reason, very often.

Watching the snow come fluttering down in the morning was amazing. The amount of little flakes was impressive, how they blanketed the whole street, the whole world, just outside the window. It surprised me how peaceful it felt, sitting there, wrapped in the covers, engulfed by the smell of warm apple and cinnamon, talking about childhood memories of the snow.

That was a moment I hope I can put in the little mental box of "Don't ever forget".

I'm grateful that his presence seems to chase away my insomnia. Which is weird, I'm so used to having a harder time sleeping, if there's someone else there, but I guess my mind is too calm and focused on the good things, there, to bother acting up. I rarely feel as rested as when waking up to the heat of his hand closing around my wrist, and the smell of his warm skin all around. It screams safety and comfort in an indeniable way. Trust. The kind of trust that doesn't make me afraid.

Getting out of bed was hilariously akward. I've never darted for clothes that fast before. I'm sure it doesn't come as a surprise to anyone that their kids or stepkids, of that age, sees people of the opposite sex, also in their time as singles, but when the girl sitting in the bed has only had time to pull on a hoodie and drag the covers up around her waist, not to mention the mess of a tangle of hair on her head, I think even the most cool parent would be unable to find it a little amusing.

Going out for dinner after 10pm on a sunday night, still dressed in the tight leather dress and matching boots, from the party the night before. I was almost able to ignore the stares from people on the street, most of my concentration was on not slipping or falling. After dinner, I got to go change at home, and then 4 hours was spent at boomtown, gaming our little hearts out ^.^ I still do miss my computer.

It was karma, though. When we finally set our destination home, I was roughly and rudely dragged out of my metro, so I could entertain till his arrived. Oh no, don't think about the fact that I have to wait after you're gone. Snark little bastard. But how can you not forgive that, when the waiting time is spent being danced with. Very randomly, humming a commercial tune, just swaying around surrounded by grey concreit. It actually warmed me enough that I felt truly sorry when he called and said he'd gotten off on the wrong station and decided to walk the rest of the way. Damn cold.

I can't help but wonder, at it. How, despite all the shit that's happening these days, how the world seems to be falling down and drowning everyone.. I can smile with him. I said something to a friend today, that I haven't really put in words before, that suddenly seemed obvious. That person was heartbroken about something, and was afraid of the future. Afraid that everytime they were happy, something bad would happen and ruin it. If you think of it that way, you'll always be disappointed. You'll never really allow yourself to be happy, in fear of losing happiness again. I think the way to go, is the other way around. I think there will always be bad things in your life. It's built that way, on some level it will always suck to be human. But happiness is what you get, so you can have a break from the crap. It's the space you get to breathe freely in, to forget the bad for awhile. And you should enjoy it fully.

And those breathers can be found so many places, if you're willing to let yourself see them. In the smiles of others, in setting a goal and pulling through, however small that goal is, in reliving memories or trying something new. In snowballfights in the middle of the night, or in making someone who needs it laugh. Or in dancing at a deserted metro station at the crack of dawn, to the humming of a commercial tune.