It's funny how, even when you see pain coming, it doesn't hurt any less.
I knew a week ago. I've just been waiting, trying to convince myself I was wrong. Trying to convince myself I was just having a moment of doubt. But I knew. Even if I didn't want to trust that knowledge.
He ended it. I understand his reasons. He'll keep feeling bad about not being able to be around, for not having the mental energy, for not being able to commit to me as much as is needed for a relationship to work. He'll feel guilty. And it's going to tear apart what little sanity that's holding him up. He thinks I deserve better. That's of course complete bullshit. But I allowed it. We've never been about arguing, and now was certainly not the time to change that. The truth is that he's too selfless to do it for his own sake. He'd much rather break his own heart to spare me, than break mine to take care of himself, and it only serves to remind me why I love him.
What does a person do with love, when it's still there, but the relationship has ended? It doesn't just die. Not love like this. The kind of love that is mad. Absolutely insane, isn't it? The one.. I still know he is. Even with tears forming a pool on the floor between my feet, even with my heart aching so bad I'd rather go through the week up to the operation, again, than feel this. He can't be mine, right now. Maybe he never can. But I won't stop knowing we belong together. It's not just.. I could try to explain it a thousand times, but I can't put words to it. I've loved before. Fiercely. Deeply. This is just different.
So if love doesn't die, does it get stuck in limbo? Do I just sail endlessly slow down the river Styx? I trust that time heals all wounds, but this isn't a wound. I haven't been cut. There is no lesion. Only pain.
I have a thousand questions for him. I couldn't ask them right away. I couldn't taint the moment, I know he must have dreaded it so much. And I don't want him to hurt more than he already does. True to form, everything was very respectful, honest and caring. Even if.. Even if this is truly the end to us, I never want to lose our friendship. He's everything good in this world. I'm so fucking lucky to have been let in far enough to see even a glimpse of that, let alone a good, full view
I really love him. He's my sulfate. He's my Nugget and I'm his Starshine.
But what do I do with that, now?
