Hi Peepers!
I survived another Christmas, imagine that! I'm super exhausted these days, and my day is totally out of loop. I'm in a can't sleep phase, so usually I don't fall asleep till 5-ish. I'm gonna try to get it turned around, but I'm waiting a few days cause I have late plans Saturday. Might as well be awake for it.
I'm working on a set of dreadlocks for B. She doesn't know the color scheme, it's a surprise. But I'm super excited to install them on her next week, they're so freaking beautiful.
Anyhow, what I want to let out today is a recent development in the family department. I recently had enough of asking and asking and asking my sister to hang out, with absolutely no responses or her getting back to me when she had the time. Seriously, I saw her twice in 2016. Once in January at my nephew's birthday. And once in February, when I took B to my sisters workplace for a live music thing. And that evening she was all over the place, we had no time to talk or catch up, and I was there despite knowing I'd get sick from the smoke, cause it had already been ages since I saw her.
Since then I tried to get to see her all of March, asked again in April, again in May, and in May she told me she didn't have time till after week 33, because of vacationplans. So when I hadn't heard from her two weeks after that, I wrote her again. She didn't have the time or energy then, because she was moving in with her boyfriend. About two weeks later she called me to ask for directions in my neighborhood, cause she was showing some friends around. She didn't have time for the cup of tea I invited her for. Oh, right, she did contact me during the move about a piece of furniture she offered me to buy. And she wrote me on my birthday.
But honestly.. I feel like I haven't had a sister for over a year. She doesn't make time to even call me or check in to see how I am. She doesn't get back to me when she turns down seeing me. She hasn't made the tiniest effort or shown any interest.
So I no longer understand why I'm pouring a ton of energy in trying to maintain a relationship, when there's nothing to cash out. It's like a bottomless pit, there's nothing for me there. So I had a talk with M, and we discussed the issue at length, both objectively and what it did to me emotionally. And as usual I absolutely love him for being able to word something I've been feeling and living by for a long time, but never really put into words before. Just like friends are the family we choose ourselves, family are the friends we didn't choose, but got anyway.
As such, why consider family relations that much more important, if the family member in question isn't doing their part in maintaining the relationship, when, if a friend had behaved similarly, you'd have booted them out of your life long ago? Why keep something that only hurts ypu, out of some sense of duty that the other party clearly doesn't feel? It's an emotional black hole. We also talked about the comparison in 'friendship testing'. He talked about this theory about testing the relationship between two people, by stating a need. In this case it would be me needing to see her. And if the importance of my need doesn't register as important to that other person, it basically translates to them not meeting the demands for the friendship to be equal and balanced. (It's a lot more complicated than that, but it resonated with me.)
For example, if I told M that I needed him to show up here, even with the inconvenience and expenses of travelling, if I told him I needed him and only him, he would make that happen, cause he trusts that I wouldn't ask a major thing like that unless it was important to me. My sister lives 35-40 minutes by public transport from me. The expenses of going back and forth is about 7-8$. And in the last 2 years, she hasn't made that sacrifice. She hasn't been here since before the kitchen was done. In 2014..
So I wrote her, in December. For a while, during the argument that followed, I even blocked her on Fb, hoping it would make her see I was deadserious.
My sister doesn't feel like she has anything to apologize for, and doesn't want to be associated with having done anything wrong. She doesn't want to make an effort either, which is as much a need for me as the apology is, by now. I feel abandoned by her, I feel ridiculed for opening up about it, and I feel rage cause she decided to compare me withdrawing from our relationship, with me not giving our father a chance to rectify his mistakes. Cause I am unforgiving and cold.
Anyone who knows me, and knows even the least bit about why I've chosen that way about my father, knows it's as much a mercy to him and my sister that I don't want to pursue that relationship, as it is closure to me. It's very simple. I got over it. All the anger, the questions, the doubt, the need for support.. It's long gone. If I was to go and find him now, it would at worst break me down, peeling all the lids I've put on that part of my life in order to move on, off. I have no desire for that. At best, I'd get to ask a lot of very harsh questions, but I no longer need the answers. The time when I did need them is long gone. But I wouldn't be able to form a relationship with him, without asking them, and without letting him know exactly how much harm he did. It would at worst hurt me, at best not make me feel anything at all.
However. All of these options and outcomes would hurt him. It would anger my sister. It would leave my nephew confused and sad. And once I had asked and accused and told all these things, I still wouldn't want a relationship to him. He's the original person in my life, who broke my trust. The one who taught me that not even the people who put you on earth can truly be trusted. He's the embodiment of everything I'm fighting to unlearn. The root of my need for control, my fear of being abandoned by those I love. Why. On earth. Would I want to revisit that?
There is no positive outcome. And I'm sick and tired of having to defend that. So I didn't. I ignored the comment, knowing that her emotional investment in it will never allow her to understand my decision. And it really dawned on me, how many times she's told me she'll stay out of it and respect my decision, yet it took her all but three seconds to whip it out and throw it in my face the second I was unhappy with her.
It was like a revisit to a lot of fights I've been in, but used to be too blind to recognize the patterns of. Not accepting she could possibly be at fault. Misdirection. Accusations to distract from the issue at hand. Excuses. Anger as an attempt to deflate me. All the while, I managed to stay calm and keep to the topic, focusing on my emotions and what needs I had, in order to solve the issue. And then, finally, I decided we were getting nowhere, and I pulled the plug. I'm simply not willing to invest more in a relationship that has been dead for so long, our of obligation.
I am not obligated to be friends with anyone. Neither am I obligated to be in contact with family solely on their terms. Especially am I not obligated to anyone, who has long ago neglected, and continues to neglect, that obligation.
And you know what really sealed the deal for me? I wasn't surprised at her reaction, and I'm not even sad. I expected it to end that way, I expected her anger and I expected her to blame me for everything.
I feel relieved. No more concerns I did something wrong, no more worries about why she keeps not wanting to see me, no more frustration and disappointment. Some day, I might be sad about this, but honestly? Unless she's willing to admit fault and apologize, I see no need for our lives to be entwined.
