So, lately I've been feeling restless. I went to CoW and I had another magical experience there, it was really much closer to the excitement of 1+2, and nowhere near the disappointment of 5. But since coming home.. I dunno.
I've been text rp'ing with a bunch of friends since TDC died, in different universes and different themes. But I guess I'm feeling more and more bleh about it. It's the same stories told, in different ways, I feel. I'm finding myself straying here and there and not really feeling like there's a point, that it's just passing time with whatever for the reason of being bored, and there's not the story arch I'd like to see happen. No development. I feel like either not moving at all, or skipping straight to the goal.
What I lack, I believe, is a more structured game. Something with rules and guidelines, and someone to be the resistance that makes sure I don't succeed in everything. That's something I really like about systembased roleplay, sometimes you fail. And that offers an opportunity to get creative and find different solutions to what seemed obvious, but wasn't quite so.
I'm missing the excitement of walking into something you have no idea whether is a treasure room or a trap. I miss solving riddles and trying to navigate social situations with what my character sheet offers of opportunity and obstacles, and maneuvering those to the best of my knowledge and pure dumb luck.
And I could have that with the snap of my fingers, really, I know a lot of people who do tabletop campaigns. But I really want to do it with the girls, and one of them just isn't interested in doing rule based rp. And I'm finding it to be a real motivatin killer for me. And I think I'd be more understanding if it was because she'd tried a few systems and decided it's just not her thing. But deciding, based on seeing one really difficult system being played, not participating.. I dunno, it bothers me. Especially cause all the games I'm feeling like playing are D10 systems with GM guidance as to what, how many and when. It's a super easy place for a beginner to get started, and once you've played once or twice, most of the system sticks.
I think it's cause I have a theory she's afraid she won't understand it, and that she'll feel defeat. Or that sitting with people who have played before is too intimidating to try it out. And it bums me out that she's basically admitting defeat without even giving it a go. Cause I think she would have a lot of fun with it.
I remember when I was starting out, when the ex invited me to play with him and a few guys, for the first time. I had no idea what I was doing. Absolutely none. And I was pretty clueless for a while, but listening to them do their thing was so fascinating, I just let their story carry me along. And slowly, I started participating more and more, until one day, when I realized my character was now the glue that held the group together. (Not the same campaign, we had progressed and played an entirely different system.) Because once I understood no one would judge me for doing something weird, I was more willing to take chances and be more creative, and I still remember the first time I made a good friend gawk and then break out in uncontrollable laughter, that set the whole group going. That was the moment I knew I had become just as good as them. And I hadn't even noticed.
But the thing is I had a group that took care of me, showed me how, didn't try to ridicule me when I made a mistake, but just showed me how to do it right, and on we went. They'd answer my questions and had my back. And I really wish my friend would let me help her have a similar entrace into this world.
That's another thing.. I've never truly GM'ed. I've had an idea in mind to try it out, for ages.. But I've never made the step. I guess when I stopped seeing the E's, I didn't feel like I really had anyone who would let me? I still miss them. Not just playing with them, but that too. Our group dynamic was so good, and we just flowed so perfectly when we got going.
Anyways. I really wanted to try GM'ing with the girls, and maybe the guys, too, at some point.
And I think the disappointment of that just.. not being an option, is really what I need to work through, before I can progress from here.
So. That's what I needed to get off my mind for tonight. Now I'll go back to doing laundry and reorganizing my books again again again.
