Hi Peepers! It's been awhile, huh? I'm not really in a blogging mood, these days. However, I want to mention a curious thing that happened tonight. I was basically friendship broken up with XD You might find it weird that I'm not more upset than I am, but I have to say the circumstances make me very okay with it.
The guy is someone who has previously showed more than friendly interest in me, and as a result, I've put a bit of distance between us, cause I haven't wanted to encourage him when I'm not interested.
Tonight I contacted him for role-playing reasons. And he seemed a bit.. Off. Dismissive, really. But since I didn't really feel like digging into it, I shrugged it off and ended the conversation. However, he wrote me and said he didn't think we should talk so much (which is drastically overstating the level of communication, really), cause he felt like he was investing more in our interactions than I was. And then also something about me pushing some very positive buttons in him, and knowing it's not mutual. So he doesn't think we should talk.
See, I'm diplomatic enough that I just told him I respect that, and thank you for telling me. Cause, and this is very true, I value the honesty. Which is why I didn't give him grief about the signal he's sending.
I don't have the amount of time that he would like me to invest in the relationship. And if I did, I wouldn't. He's a nice guy, he's just not someone I feel comfortable getting too close to. I don't know why, it's just that spidey sense kinda thing. And I'm just not interested in more. Also, the way I do friendship isn't as static as a lot of people make it.
I'm not an overly social person. And seeing people 3-4 times a week may be a breeze to some, but to me, that's almost too much. So let's say I have 7-8 friends I see on a regular basis. It may take me a month to rotate them. And sometimes I see some of them more than once, sometimes I switch it up and go out in groups, sometimes I have several people over, and sometimes I feel so overstimulated socially, that I can't see anyone at all for awhile. But it makes social interaction complicated for me. Because seeing people I don't have an established relationship or routine with, makes me anxious. How do I fit them into the matrix of seeing people, how do I interact with them, for how long and how often? What are their expectations?
In this case.. I can't help but think that my efforts were not enough. And they were only valued as long as there was a chance of them turning into more. Which, admittedly, for a short while, there was. But me thinking someone is attractive doesn't equal me yearning for them. Sometimes it's a very shortspanned window. And sometimes I don't want to act on it.
And that is okay. It's my right. It's my right to juggle friends and suitors how I want, according to how close I want them in my life. Which is also why I respect if someone pulls back. Cause I can't fulfill a lot of people's expectations and demands. But it's not something I can change, just like that. And I've learned to live with that. I've known it since I was 16.
So I'm okay with being "broken up" with. I can't cater to everyone. And noone should have to, you know?
Ember over and out.
