Hate to need you.

I'm torn. Right. Wrong. Tearing. What you want and what you need doesn't always match up. What I want is to go on down the road I've been on. Hold my breath, close my eyes and keep on walking, never looking back. Do what's healthy for me in the long run. But what I need is to breathe. Red hot scorching air, I don't give a damn.

I need him. I'm furious about it, and part of me hates him. Another part is deeply wounded, and wants him to see every inch of the pain. But the last part, treacherous fucker as it is, loves him. Irrevocably deep. I'm at constant war with myself. And I can go through all 3 parts within one second. Wanting to strangle him, make him feel ashamed, and never let go of him, all at the same time. I hate it. Especially the part who wants to make him feel better. Cause I can't stand that. No matter how deeply he hurt me. But I should be glad he's feeling like crap, shouldn't I? I'm in my right to do so. Fucking whirlwind in there.

I want to be the selfish one. I want to have him around, for me. Because I need him. I'm not sure I can, though. I want to be the one with the upper hand. I want him to know how much good he threw away. To remember that every day. I want his tears, and I want to be the one to wipe them away. Tears are honest. I want to be able to hit him. To express my anger when it's too much. To hold him. For no reason and every reason. Just because.

If we had fit better.

It would have been different. Even with my hesitation when it comes to marriage and children, I know it would have gone that way, with you. Had we fit better, that is. Had we fit better...

I would have worn this, some day.

You would have given me this.

And I would have carried this...

Into this place.

We would have found a place like this, and put up pavillions and tents, laid out carpets and cushions, and have honey-roasted boar with our friends and family.

We would have gone here for a while.

Later on, this would have happened.

She would grow up to be a mix of this...

And this. And we would have loved her.

 Somehow, we would find a way to make it possible for us to get this...

And this.

We'd end up living someplace like this...

Though as we got older, I'd start to wish for something a little more like this.

Yeah. That's... A lot of dreaming, wishing and theorising. But whether I wanted it there or not, my mind made room for those things. Always planning and preparing, just in case. I really hate that I could see it all. Mainly because of her. The girl. Our girl. Showing up uninvited in my dreams, making me want her. I never wanted children. I still don't. They smell weird, they scream and poop and are totally dependant on you. Except her. Nova. The one thing that would have had him fall completely and irrevocably in love. I saw that, too. She would have smiled like he does.

So this is my official goodbye to that future. It's time for it to leave my head and, more importantly, my heart. Cause fact is we don't fit that way. No matter how much any of us wants to.

Bad day

I'm having a sucky day. It took 3 hours to get the bar up to standards, which was fine. At least the toilets weren't too disgusting. But I slept like crap, so getting up early wasn't my favorite thing.

The weekend was actually really cool. Friday I helped out on J-day at the bar, and the Bat came by. Was fun. And yesterday I spent with the Baltha gang. Well, some of it. I don't know how we'll fit 35 people into a room for workshopping, but I guess we'll figure stuff like that out along the way. Grandpa was nice enough to come pick me and Anna up and drive us home, so it wasn't even a hassle. And I brought cake, so the people were happy. Anna really writes awesome background stuff, I laughed so much!

But I still felt like something was missing, and I realised that today. I miss having a best friend who gets it. Who can see my hype about the project. The Bat tries, and I love her for it. So incredibly much. I know she partly does it to substitute him, so I won't feel like I need him. Also, she does it cause she feels bad cause she doesn't have time to see me too often. And that's okay, really. She has so much stuff in her life right now, and I know she isn't going anywhere. But she's not an RP'er. And she'll never fully get it. But she takes it seriously, and that's all I need from her.

I was looking for that ancient video of my cat eating lettuce, last night. And I ended up watching all the FB videos I have uploaded. There were multiple ones with him in them, fun times with friends and singing and stuff like that. And I was actually fine watching those. But the one I made of the turtles chasing my finger through the glass had me hurting again. And it was stupid. Cause he wasn't even in the shot, he just called out "honey?" and asked whether I was taking pictures or filming.

It's been more than 4 months, shouldn't I be back to normal? I keep telling myself it can't be helped when you've had someone in your life, and so close to you, for 3 years. I can't help but think how long it'll take till it can't make me sad anymore. I wonder how long it would have taken, had it happened a year before. Would it be easier?

I'd like to tell myself that I think it's awesome that our mutual friends are favoring me. I know they are. Some have even openly admitted so. I actually think that the admittance was what tipped the scales. The scale of my conscience. Cause I'm not made to be quite that vengeful, when it comes to it. And they were his friends first. I'm not an idiot, I mean, I was the one pointing out that it doesn't work all that simple, that I can't take myself out of the equation and expect people to just accept that. That would be like taking away their choice, and that's just too many people to screw over.

Besides. Missing that final piece aside... They make me feel home. At least.. the most home I've felt the past 4 months. They're the people who show the correct level of excitement when I wrote my first song for RP'ing. The people I can talk about actual cultural things with. Musicals, however how lacking my knowledge is in comparison, theater, costumes. Rulesets, plotting, warstories. Background stories aplenty. People who don't stare at me like I'm an idiot when I talk about putting on my furry ears and going vampire on the crowd. Cause they're right there with me. And I don't know how I'd make my day go by if I didn't have them.

The guys, too. My tuesdays are vital to me. I was scared to death last time, cause we did a Halloween special, and I just had to go and get us locked up in the haunted house. Damn grandfather clock kept chiming and clicking at the most annoying times, and that door-slamming didn't help at all. But I had a blast. Local eyes XD He does set a good mood for horror.

But I still miss that last bit. My life is so far from satisfying these days... My health isn't helping anything, and I hope it'll allow me to get the school-project moving again. Once I get my economy stabilized completely, I'm planning on going 100% hippie on myself. I am going to make sure I get every single freaking vitamin and supplement there is out there, the more naturebased the better. I'm cutting red meats completely. And I'm boycutting all bread except fiber rich crisp bread. Also. Soda has to go completely. I need to get my acidlevels under control, permanently. And then I'm going to figure out a way to get excersize, that doesn't make me throw up or fall down. Or make me dizzy. If the health care system can't figure out what's broken, at least I'm going to tape the pieces. Ugly ass vase I'll make, but I don't care. I'm tired of this shit.

I'm gonna check for my world drop weapon one more time, and then I'm going to haul my tired ass to bed. I'm rearrenging tomorrow to make room for my bed again. I get a mattress this week, finally. (About damn time, my back is suffering like crazy.)