Also, this year, I have seen a shrink. Only three times, so far, but that's more than no times. It has helped me realise some of my thought patterns, made me reevaluate my conclusions, and reconsiderate some things in my past. And that's a start. I'm already less anxious. However, I'm not sure cognitive psycology is the way to proceed from here. Neither was my shrink. She asked me to try to work with some of the stuff we've talked about so far, but generally, my problem isn't an inability to see what's happening in my head or why. It seems I'm quite capable of connecting the dots. I just don't always want to, and that makes it difficult to change my behaviour.
So I'm researching Behaviorism, along with other kinds of psychology. Just to see what the options are.
And then of course, she helped me put into words, a thing I already knew. My defense mechanism. How my brain is basically wired to shut down, once people get past a certain point. Like.. as long as they're in the buffer zone, it won't hurt too bad if they choose to go. My brain has been trained to expect people I care about to leave. And so I protect myself. Auto mechanism. I just need to find the trigger, so I can command it at will, in stead of being a slave to it.
She was shocked at the list. Of how many times I've been let down. Or have felt that I have, cause reality isn't necessarily what comes into play. Your brain doesn't filter. It just remembers the pain. She believes I was holding together, as well as one could expect, till Kev left, before I met Alex. And then all the little rattlings after that.. Kristian, the bat for a time, the ups and downs with the relationship, and then my brother. I can see the truth in having been shaken into pieces, and trying to glue everything back together. Especially the confusion and hurt that some of the pieces can't be mended, cause others are missing.
I know with my brother I was the one to choose to stay away. After he said he no longer considered us family, I didn't feel like trying anymore. I stopped going to the parties, or stayed away from him if I attended something. I've kept my attendance to an absolute minimum. I've missed birthdays and housewarmings of people I care about, excusing myself, saying I have other plans. A lot of it is for her. So she doesn't have to suffer from it. I don't want to be the cause of tension in the room.
So when I go, I only stop by for a drink, and then I leave again. It's better that way.
I don't even know if an apology would fix anything. Of course, I am not inclined to give one. I still believe he was the one who should have taken initiative to fix things with Alex, when he was the one who had a problem with him. I'm not going to apologize for feeling hurt that I couldn't bring my boyfriend anywhere. Had I been able to, I might have felt more in control of everything, more involved in my own life. Maybe I would have kept some of the friends who used to be mine. I don't know. But I'm sure my life would have looked different, in both good and bad.
Also.. I would have still had my brother.
Things are better with Kevin back. Just the fact that I can log onto Facebook and see him having fun with his family, and doing good.. It makes me feel at ease. I'm aware that people will never really understand why he is so important to me, but he knows, and that's what matters. His friendship is one I hope I never have to lose again. Even if we only got to say "I'm still alive and well" once every 6 months, it'll keep me calm.
And seeing that kid with his daddys eyes is a freaking joy. I wish I could meet him, be part of my best friend's sons life. If I had kids some day, I wish they could know each other.
This blog has gotten very melancholic, hasn't it? Well. It was nice to put those thoughts down somewhere, they've been brewing for a while.
