Turning 21 has been.. I don't know, another year has passed, I guess. My usual I'm-getting-old-panic lasted about a day, where I was more struck by the fact that I'm now in my twenties, then by the fact that I was growing older. I don't know how to explain the difference, really. In my head, there is one.
The days up to the day itself was a nightmare. Let's just say my family knows just how to piss me off, hurt me, and then make me feel bad about it. But it was a nice dinner, and I have to say moms boyfriend really stepped up for me. Which was awesome. Of course, having your boyfriend be the first to say happy birthday, and give you a personal and meaningful present, and at the same time it was dorky and corny which just makes it even more awesome, made my whole week so much better. Goosebumps and butterflies made an appearance :)
I can't express how much I'm looking forward to not having 2 half-year classes at once. Especially two classes I don't like. Math and history are my enemies. After christmas it's danish, english and geography, and I know I'll hate geography, but I'll be doing danish, english and spanish! I love spanish, it keeps me going. 3 languages at once, oh fucking yeah! ... Can you tell I'm a language person rather then a math-chem-physics person? Language is just so much more.. logical. It's like different types of fabric, each one has its own texture, and if you just stroke in the right direction, it'll be soft to your touch.
I know I'm a thundercloud, these days. Having my brother and the bat back has greatly improved the world for me, but there's still clouds that won't stop haunting me. Homework being one of them. I think there's a fair chance I'll fail math. Half the time, I have no idea what I'm doing, I just put the numbers in on pre-maid models from the book and hope for the best. How I'm going to explain anything at my finals, is a mystery to me. My biggest hope is to write down all the big words, and use them in long sentences while looking like I know exactly what I'm talking about.
It makes me feel stupid. Utterly stupid. My confidence has been crap for awhile now. This summer, when the sun was shining, my hair looked awesome, we were working out twice a week, and I realized I was with the guy I wanted to be with, and he wanted to be with me as well, for a while everything was perfect. Well, as perfect as life can get, there's always something that sucks, right? If something sucked, I sure as hell didn't pay attention to it, cause things were exactly as I wished for them to be.
And then I guess life happened. There were troubles all over, crashing down in waves, and each wave took a little bit of my confidence with it.. Did I let that happen? I've felt myself spiraling downwards, no way to stop myself, and I've been scared to death about it.
This stupid disease I've been fighting for the past 3 weeks.. You should think it's a relief to know it'll pass in a few week's time, but I want it gone right now. I don't think I've ever felt this ugly... I know logically that I look better then ever, bodywise. I'm eating as I should, my weight has been stable for close to 3 months, and I feel healthy. Well, I did before the infection, at least.
I don't like mirrors right now. My face looks horrible. It doesn't matter that people tell me it's getting better, it doesn't matter I can feel most of my lower lip again, it doesn't matter my tastebuds are returning. I feel like Quasimodo, a freak-show. And I try to joke about it, cause if I don't, I'll just cry more. I can't even do that without looking all screwed up.
Despite all the ways I've looked through the years.. Skinny, fat, poodle-hair, wannabe-goth-moments.. Bandaged for various reasons, I've always felt good about myself. I always found something I liked about myself, or got a compliment from someone that made me appreciate something new. I look at myself now, and all I see is a screwed up face on a mediocre body. My hair is a birdsnest, I have dark shadows under my eyes, which is only conceiled by the fact that I wear glasses, I'm still wearing my freaking braces, my skin is breaking out half the time due to stress, and I wasn't movie-star pretty to begin with. Why am I not fine with all that anymore? I used to be.
Even the slightest critique and I want to run and hide. I'm tired of being so vulnerable. I want it to stop. I want to know within myself that I'm smart and beautiful, that I'm a good person, that I'm good enough the way I am. And I really don't feel that way right now. I so need to feel that.
