Limitations.
That's really what it's all about. I'm so pissed cause I feel robbed. People think I'm a jerk cause I can't just accept it and be happy for them. How can I? Two people I love to death has chosen that half a friendship with me is good enough for them, and now they expect me to not be angry and hurt about it. Even getting angry with me for being unable to stomach this.
"Is it cause I'm not good enough for him?" No one is good enough for him. No one ever will be. It's the universal rule for me to think so, just like it's a universal rule to dislike every one of your boyfriend's ex's. He's my brother. And the best person I know. He deserves a fucking angel, and even then I'd pick out flaws about her. It doesn't matter, though, he made a choice, and that part I can respect.
But he chose my best friend. Anyone I didn't feel loyal to would have been better, cause then I'd know exactly what side to stand on. They're blind when they say I won't have to pick sides. Completely. Blind. The only way to ensure that, is to never mention anything about eachother to me. And first off? Good fucking luck doing that.
Second, relationships are a huge part of a persons life. When we're in one, we talk about it. when we're not in one, we talk about the fact that we wanna be. About potentials, disappointments, and how that guy over there might just be the one. Consider all that erased from a friendship. Put a huge mute-button on all conversations, to make sure nothing is accidentally said, that'll make me feel disloyal to my brother for not saying it, or to her for wanting to.
I don't have the mental capability to constantly be in between loyalties. And I honestly don't believe it can be avoided. So I'm left with half a friendship, with a huge broken part of it haunting me like a persistant raincloud. I don't want that friendship degraded to a once-upon-a-time-familiar-face-now-we-just-say-hi-and-how's-the-family. I don't want to see the disappointment in my brother's eyes, for making his girlfriend sad, for being unable to listen to him when something awesome happens. I don't want to see it in hers either.
I don't want to see anything. I want to be blind.
I don't want to be reminded, that no matter what, I've lost. Cause I've lost it already, and it was too precious to me to look at pictures of it every day. Vague images of reality.
I don't see a solution.
People don't get it. Well, they're not where I am, are they?
